On Education (Yours and Theirs)

First of all, please refer back to Tip # 1: Keep your mouth shut. Begin there. Let it be your guiding principal, especially if you have any doubts about whether you should speak up or not. Then, if you absolutely must say something, think long and hard before you open your mouth. This is particularly difficult for me since I am not known for stifling my opinions (as my husband is wont to say, “Often wrong, never in doubt!”). Because I was a teacher for a very long time, I have definite biases and a modicum of background here….. nonetheless……

Surely you may ask the children about their school, their classmates, and their teachers. An aside: when Noah was heading off to kindergarten, I had a terrible thought: what if his teacher didn’t “get” him? What if she didn’t understand what an amazing child he is, bright, creative, and funny? I truly did not know what I was going to do! Fortunately, she was everything you would want as a parent and grandparent….. and now she is going to be the twins’ teacher too! But there have been teachers along the way with whom I have been less than thrilled, and I know there will be others. There have also been methodologies, assignments, projects and even daily activities that cause me to shake my head in disbelief. What can this supposedly trained professional be thinking? Sometimes I equate what is happening to the emperor’s new clothes……

You cannot allow the child to witness your disgruntlement with the teacher, or even with what he/she is being asked to do. You can try to understand it, if you must, and ask questions of the parents (not interrogate, which is my standard m.o……not a good idea!), but it is most harmful to disparage the teacher in front of the child. Since it is highly unlikely the child will be moved out of that classroom, you will only be the instrument of unsettlement, and no one needs that. It is terrific if you can show genuine interest in their learning, and even helping along the way. “Helping” does not mean “doing”, by the way.

As a teacher, I really felt trapped when a student submitted a project, completed at home, but so obviously above the student’s ability: intricate, glossy, polished products that had “adult help” beaming from every surface. The folks at home became extremely antagonistic if you questioned the child’s hand in the whole thing, and the child could get caught in the middle. I am most grateful that when my own children were in school, parents were not expected to “interact” or “interface” or whatever the buzzword is today. You were there to help if a child got stuck and if you had any idea how to help, but it was not expected that you’d be an integral player in each night’s home work. I watch my own children now struggle to keep pace with the multiple projects/papers/assignments that arrive weekly with each child. Children are expected to read aloud to an adult (now there’s something a grandparent can do!), use the computer for research (needs constant monitoring), do math and spelling worksheets, keep records, initiate projects, and a host of other things. If there is more than one child in the family in school, these are daunting tasks. What if both parents work? Nightimes are fraught with stress as families struggle to have dinner, do laundry, line up lunches, get clothes out, and complete the homework. Frankly, I don’t know how they all do it. So they don’t need us questioning the integrity of what is going on, but sometimes it is very hard not to ask just one tiny question…..

Children need to figure things out on their own. Certainly you can ask leading questions, perhaps even probing, when trying to pick a topic for a project, or narrow the scope of it. You can suggest different approaches, peruse some sites on the computer, even take them to the library and help them find things. Demonstrating how the Dewey decimal system works to locate references is amazingly helpful. I don’t know if kids learn that anymore, or if many use hard reference texts. The Internet provides much more up to date material, but that is not always the most desirable, depending on the focus. There are so many reference materials in the children’s room of the public library that are easier for kids to read and yet provide the substance needed. So this is another thing grandparents can do: take them to the library and do some exploring and explaining. You can also take them to the store for poster board and glue and any other materials they may need. You can discuss what they are going to do, guiding through your questions, but not overtaking the task. You can suggest a draft of anything that is going to be written, whether it is a piece to accompany a visual, or labels, so that it can be proofread for spelling and grammar, but you should not do it for them. Once it is on the poster board or display, you will create turmoil of epic proportions if you start pointing out mistakes then.

Tip #33: You want to offer encouragement and support as your grandchildren travel through their school years. You do not want to swoop in and take over their work. If you must question something, think twice, and then address the parents, not the children. You have much to offer; the negotiation is how best to do that so the children reap the benefit of your experience and wisdom, and not be unsettled by your unhappiness with the program or the person delivering it. Think about when our grandchildren are first learning to speak. We encourage, cheer, and almost stand on our heads as sounds begin emerging, helping them to refine these utterances into words, and never discouraging their attempts. Perhaps this is what we need to keep in mind as standard operating procedure when we are working with them on their school stuff. And remember, whenever possible, keep your opinions to yourself.

Practicing What I Preach: The Art of Erring

Practicing What I Preach: The Art of Erring

Mistakes arrive in all shapes and sizes, some of which could be anticipated, and others are a complete surprise. Fostering independence by encouraging the children to dress themselves seemed like a no-brainer, until we realized they needed very careful oversight and direction, at least at the beginning. Emma neglected to remove her pj’s before putting on her jeans, and then found Grampa’s ski boots. She was extremely proud of herself until she fell and bonked her noggin on the hard floor at our timeshare in the mountains. Noah thought it looked like so much fun that he was the next to try, and somehow got his foot stuck inside the boot. The extraction was not a pleasant experience for any of us!

Food always poses interesting opportunities to mess up, both literally and figuratively. Giving Ian his own bowl of spaghetti turned out to be hilarious…..until we had to scrub to get the sauce out of his eyes and hair. He certainly was proud of being able to feed himself! Owen immediately ate the bottom out of his ice cream cone, and then watched in horror as the contents leaked onto the paper plate. Megan loved the taste of her birthday cake, but was horrified when she looked at the frosting on her fingers and the crumbs all over her tray. In each of these instances we were congratulating ourselves for promoting self-expression and independent action. Then we had to deal with the emotional (tears) and physical aftermaths (what a mess!). Thank goodness the tub was nearby……

And then there was the picture I wanted of all of them one Christmas. What was I thinking? The one displayed here is the last one we attempted. I have an entire series leading up to the final disaster. In each one at least one child is looking elsewhere, or twisted, or worming his/her way deeper into the pile. At the end of a very long Christmas day, no child or photographer has the patience for a group photo. But I persisted. Eventually they ended up in a pig pile, some laughing hysterically while others were in tears yet again.

For Noah’s 8th birthday he asked that we have an afternoon together, going to the beach, out to lunch, and to the arcades. No problem, huh? And it wasn’t, until we got into the arcade. I had no clue as to how any of them worked. Most took several quarters to get operational, and were timed, so if you didn’t know what you were doing, you might just as well have thrown the coins in the ocean. Noah was becoming disillusioned about his grandmother’s intelligence, so I scoped out the joint, found a teenager hanging out with himself, and cajoled him into demonstrating how the two games Noah had already chosen worked. Of course, it cost me extra because I had to pay for two, but it was worth every cent to save face. The kid was a tad scary looking, but it was the middle of the afternoon, there were not many others in the venue, and he truly was quite kind. Note to self: do not agree to activities if you have no idea what you are doing, no matter how simple they may appear!

I decided to take Emma and Owen to the beach after I worked on a recent summer Sun. We managed to get a parking space at the residents’ beach, and they were having a great time, though there was limited space because it was high tide. I forgot to check to see if it was going out or coming in......
Emma decided we should build a fort in which she could sit and the water would slowly filter in.....so we dug, and when she deemed it deep enough, she sat down, wearing her very favorite purple clogs (she doesn't like the seaweed to touch her feet) with her princess gibbets......and in a matter of seconds a huge wave swamped her, right over her head, and she went into drama queen mode: "Save me, Grammy, save me!" I jumped up, put my hands under her arms (a dangerous thing to do these days since she is extremely tactile defensive due to joint aches from the chemo) and hauled her out (the sand really sucked her in!), but leaving behind one of the beloved shoes. I started scooping furiously, but now the tide was advancing, and I was fighting a losing battle. Owen was trying to hold the ocean back with a small purple shovel, declaring, "I'll save it Emma!” Em began to wail: "It's gone forever! My most favorite shoe is going out to sea, and I will never see it again....." (If you've seen the movie Shrek you will have some idea of where she got her ideas of dramatic portrayals). A family nearby came over; two boys around Noah's age had long-handled shovels and they began to dig while the third one tried to console Emma by telling her that he had left his favorite clogs at the beach only the week before, and his Grammy bought him a new pair (however, he didn't know that the particular gibbets in Em's are extremely hard to find, nor did I). After 10 minutes, they were ready to give up too. Then the dad came over and said, "I can't stand to see the little girl so unhappy", and proceeded to dig even as the water encircled our knees. Emma was in my arms, sobbing, and I was covered in sand and seaweed. Owen was trying to remain standing, protect his sister and be the hero.....too much for one five year old, despite his best intentions. On the third stab he hoisted the shovel high bearing the purple, sand-stuffed shoe! Emma shouted "My hero!" and ran over and hugged the man around the knees....and from blankets to the left and right erupted "Hooray!" and "You rock!" and contagious clapping. It was a moment to behold. The man had tears in his eyes, and his sons were so proud....his wife was clapping, and their two year old was raiding our cooler while no one was looking. Just another afternoon at the beach.....


Tip #32: You will make errors in judgment, faulty decisions, and just plain goofs. Learn to laugh at them. Make sure you review with the children how you could have avoided whatever disaster befell. Reflect with them on what you’ve learned from your mistake/error/failure. Explore other options. Laugh some more. Try not to repeat the same ones. I once heard a definition of insanity as identifiable by when we do the same thing but expect a different result. Although grandchildren adore nutty grandparents, they do not want grandparents who are nuts!