Family Vacations

Family Vacations

There are many things to consider when contemplating an extended family vacation. Such things as cost, duration, travel time, privacy, safety and compatibility with what you want out of the time are all important factors. The oft-repeated joke about the best thing about being grandparents is when they go home at night will not hold true if you are all staying together. How important is it to you that you have some time “away from the madding crowd” either during the day or, at least, at night? If you have to be on duty 24/7, will you enjoy yourself? Who else will be there?

We have been most fortunate in that two of my husband’s brothers co-own a “camp” in Maine, and have generously invited us to make use of it whenever it is available (that is, they are not having their own extended families there). Four years ago we started a tradition where Grammy and Grampa take Noah and Molly, then 4 and 6, to the camp for 3 days without the rest of their family. On the third day their Mom, Dad, and other siblings (now 3 of them!) come up for the night, and then we head home the next morning, leaving them to have the day to themselves. So far this seems to work. Often other family members are there with us: uncles, cousins, etc., so the kids have others to play with both in and out of the water.

Safety continues to be a chief concern. I sometimes have nightmares that something happens to one of the children while we are watching him/her…..could be at home, at the playground, or at the lake. I do not know how I would ever tell my own child that I’d somehow let one of his/her children get hurt. Even minor bumps and bruises kill me! So, short of never going anywhere or doing anything, we take reasonable precautions. I also do not want to make the kids paranoid, or convey my fears to them, thus making the skittish. We always wear life preservers in boats, on skidoos, and even on the dock until they become proficient swimmers. No children go in the water unless an adult is down at the water, or in the immediate vicinity. Roughhousing dangerously will get you time out of the water. The children seem to be able to live with these rules, and so we have been able to thoroughly enjoy our time there. This year Noah and Molly will be 10 and 8, and we may not have so many others there at the same time. Now that they are older and like to play board and card games, and love to read, I don’t think we’ll have any problem keeping occupied.

One activity which we will be cutting back on this year is riding around in the various boats and skidoo. With the astronomical price of gas, we will need to choose carefully. At least the paddleboat will be an option!

Many traditions are already established. We always make s’mores, have a night with sparklers, play endless games of Parcheesi, Sorry, and Rummikub, try our hand at badminton, and get all the wind-up toys U. Bob has collected going at once. When we first arrive they are chomping at the bit and want to do everything lickety split. Now that we know what to expect, it is easier for us to handle. We make sure they bring familiar nighttime pals, as it is often a bit scary to sleep in the loft on the first night. Because our bedroom is right underneath the loft, they know they can get to us easily. We leave a night light on, and I sometimes sit with them until they are drifting off, at least the first night. Although we know how much fun it is to be away from home, it is important to not be dismissive of their fears, which are very real to them. If you know their nighttime ritual, it will be comforting to them to have you follow it. And expect them to be up bright and early the next day!

Tip #27: Family vacations establish bonds, create memories, and provide a very special time for you and your grandchildren. Choose carefully what you do with them, and think about your role long before you propose anything. There are many travel companies which offer grandparent/grandchildren trips (Elderhostel is one), so if you don’t have a family place you can go to, you might want to plan a trip. Take them to a nearby city and spend the day being a tourist, or pack a picnic and go to a nearby park or zoon. Day outings can be a blast! My one caveat is that you picture yourself in whatever setting you are proposing and run a video tape through your head, trying to view yourself there. Happy trails to you!

Things Money Just Can't Buy...or Shouldn't

Things Money Just Can’t Buy…..or Shouldn’t

The temptation to spoil, to indulge, to gift…whatever you want to call it, is often overwhelming. Because we see most of our grandchildren regularly, we know a lot about the things in which they take great delight. We know which books/authors they like, the music they enjoy, the toys that interest them, even, for some, the type of clothing that appeals to them If I am in a store and just happen to drift to the toy section or the children’s clothing area, it is almost impossible for me to pull myself away without buying. Of course, the next problem is that there are now 9 of them, so even the smallest of trinkets gets expensive when multiplied by 9. Plus we are now on a somewhat fixed income (both of us have small part time jobs which will help us save for traveling but not much else), and so we need to be more mindful of how we spend than we have had to be for the last few years when we were both working and our own children were on their own. One other small factor is that they all have more “stuff” than anyone could use in a lifetime! So what is a grandparent to do????

I cannot stress often or strongly enough that the greatest gift we give is that of TIME. Not only the time we spend with them, listening to their stories (though I absolutely refuse to listen to recaps of TV shows or video game plots), reading with them, teaching them how to play board games, etc., but also attending their events, such as sporting games, recitals, open house, etc. They call us on the phone to share exciting news about report cards, or ask questions about projects, or make a play date. Soon we will take our fourth annual trek to “camp” with two of them, a tradition started when their twin brothers were not yet one and it seemed a perfect way to give Mom a break for a few days. Now the twins will be 5 in Aug., and Jack is one, so they will join us at the lake for at least one night. Still, we have this small pocket in time that is just for the four of us, filled with traditions, always eager to see what this year’s visit will bring. We are most fortunate in that Grampa’s two brothers, who own the camp, most generously have an open door policy and will not accept payment. Grampa helps earn our time there by opening and closing the camp and doing repairs and refurbishments while there. This year we will have to curtail the amount of time spent using the water toys: skidoo, powerboat and houseboat because of the astronomical price of gas. Our daughter and son-in-law will help by explaining this to the kids before we go, helping them to understand that these things cost money and so we must make choices. Our attitude in the past has been cavalier, and we pretty much went out in the lake whenever the spirit moved us. Time to rein it in!

For Noah’s 10th birthday I had him explore the Star Wars things he loves online and make me a list, with a $50 maximum, which he did, giving me a wide range. Then I thought about how he might enjoy picking it out himself, and that doing so would eliminate the possibility of my getting the wrong thing. So we gave him a gift card to the store that carries them. Now I am thinking that in the future I will give the birthday girl or boy the actual money, and tell him/her to use it to either buy whatever it is that is wanted, or save it for a trip or clothes or whatever, but the choice will be up to him or her. Perhaps this will foster more careful attention to the value of the money, and maybe I will offer to take them shopping, if they decide that’s what they want to do. I fear that too often today we do not take the time to teach them how to get the most out of a dollar. Instant gratification seems to be rampant. I do not want to sound like one of those old cronies croaking, “This younger generation doesn’t know what it is like to scrimp and save…” Ok, so if they don’t, how come? Who didn’t do their job? How come so many young people today do not know how to establish a budget, delay buying something until it looks like you might possibly be able to pay for it, or even do without if it is not affordable? I think this is something we as grandparents can help with as long as we do not appear to be critical and negative.

A new friend of mine recently explained that when her own children were old enough to understand, she created a notebook in which each child had his/her own page. Each child received $1,000/year for a clothing allowance. (It could be whatever you could afford). This did not include underwear, socks, or two pair of shoes….one of which were sneakers. Each time a purchase was made, it was recorded and deducted. When the balance reached zero, the buying was over for that year. She said it took tears, frustration, and even the gnashing of teeth, but eventually each began to both shop and choose more wisely, even leaving a cushion for the unanticipated. It is just one small way to help children learn from early on how to get what they want without sinking into debt. We as grandparents can help too.

Another thing I was doing and need to reinstitute, is purchasing savings bonds as gifts. You need the child’s social security number to do so, and you can pick up the forms at a local bank. They make a great gift because they double in seven years, and they provide a nest egg for the future. When I was giving them, I also tried to get something relatively inexpensive to be opened for the occasion, but as they grow older I hope they will appreciate the bond for itself. I remember when we were setting up our first home, my husband had several of these accumulated over many years from two maiden aunts, and they truly furnished our first living and dining rooms.

The gift of a piggy bank, especially a see-through one, is a motivating first or second birthday choice. Children can be encouraged to do jobs both at home and at grandparents’ for which a set fee is negotiated ahead of time. I do not mean things like helping to set the table or pick up branches in the yard, as these are things which are expected, and certainly they do not merit pay. Perhaps they could help weed, or wash windows or vehicles (too much fun!), or give foot massages…Add comments here to suggest other things as well. It is our responsibility as parents and grandparents to instruct our children and grandchildren in money matters.

Now we scan the newspaper for things to do that have no or minimal cost. Tomorrow we may visit the sand sculptures at the beach, and maybe get an ice cream, or fried dough, or whatever one thing each may choose. Local theater groups have discounted performances for dress rehearsals. The playgrounds and beaches cost nothing. Unfortunately, going to the movies or the zoo has become quite expensive, so we no longer do much of that. A local gym recently gave out passes for free bowling, and we often find coupons online for things like miniature golf.

Some things are worth every penny we spend on them, such as this muffin about to make its way into Owen’s mouth. I am not perfect, and do slip occasionally, and just have to buy something….but I try to save it for a special occasion, or create an excuse for why I bought it. Rationalization is one of my stronger talents!

Tip #26: Try to behave responsibly when it comes to giving “things” to your grandchildren. We adults need to model for them how to live within our means and not indulge every whim simply because we want something. We need to encourage fiscal responsibility, and motivate them to save for a rainy day. But mostly we need to choose wisely ourselves, so that our gifts, whatever they may be, are lasting.

By the Sea, By the Sea, By the Beautiful Sea

By the Sea, By the Sea, By the Beautiful Sea……

We are so fortunate to live less than a mile from the ocean, and so can use it as a backyard playground. Our own children grew up spending countless hours playing in the sand, jumping in the waves, and crawling among the rocks in search of sea treasure. Because of our proximity, we have not been keen on spending entire days there, though we often encounter families who do. One of the first things we look for, short or long term, is the location of the nearest bathrooms. No matter if the children use the potty just as you are ready to pull out of the driveway…..I guarantee that it will be only a matter of minutes before one announces, “I gotto go!” desperately, and it is contagious. The easiest way to solve it is to be sure a bathroom is within walking distance. However, if you are the only adult with more than one child, logistics become a problem. Look around and try to find another family who will understand your predicament and agree to keep an eye on your belongings, and maybe even older children. Trust your own comfort level on this one! Unless I know the people, I just can’t leave the kids with a stranger, but I do entrust our “stuff” to them, and have not regretted it yet. If you have little males with you, you could bring a “pee bottle”, easily disguised, and discretely have them use it while sitting on a towel or blanket. I suppose if you have a large towel, or umbrella, you could rig something for the females, too. The older they get, the less likely they will be to try this…..

Fancy toys are not necessary. You do need shovels or those hand diggers, which I always buy at half price at the end of the summer season and stash away for the next year. That’s about it. We use various sizes of plastic container, such as from Cool Whip and dips, a few large pails, sometimes some figures from things like the Fisher Price Farm or doll house (to populate the sand castle), a few trucks/cars/plastic vehicles…..all of which can be purchased very cheaply at yard sales, but be sure to boil in hot water before the children play with them as you have no idea where they have been. Chuck, the grandfather, will bury the kids up to their waists, and then design around them: mermaids, cars, etc. They love to have pictures of them like this, and then they love to “unbury” themselves. They build elaborate sand castles, dig deep holes which they amuse themselves for long periods of time trying to fill up with water. They dig trenches down to the ocean and let the tide fill them in. Of course, you can also bring Frisbees and tennis balls and even badminton rackets and birdies, but they present other problems (like watching out for those around you!).

Some other necessities are sun block, applied and reapplied liberally, even if the container says it is waterproof, hats, sunglasses, towels, baby powder (put on sandy feet while sitting on the blanket and the sand will wipe right off….much more practical and efficient than trying to hop on one foot while rinsing the other in the waves or even the tide pool!). Be sure to have wet wipes, insect repellant, band-aids, and a water bottle to be used for washing purposes. You will need juice boxes and finger foods for snacks. Fruit, pretzels, cut up carrots and celery with ranch dressing for a dip, granola bars, almost anything that can be managed in the fingers. Paper plates are not easily managed, and if there is the usual breeze, disaster occurs routinely…..all of a sudden the whole lunch has blown over into the sand….creating true “sand whiches”! Bring tissues and your camera and something for the trash. Try to compact all of this into a single bag for ease of maneuvering. You will need an old blanket or comforter about which you do not care to spread as your base. Try to keep your stuff in one central location, and even if they are constructing at a site some distance away, try to keep returning their tools to the central area.

When you go down to the water you need to be vigilant. At different ages and stages, children will be afraid, excited, maybe even foolish (we had one who just kept on walking, even when the water was up to his neck; we think he was heading for China!). A child who is intimidated by the sound or force of the incoming surf may suddenly be adventuresome and you were complacently thinking he/she would not go beyond the very edge! Some beaches allow boogie boards, and they can be fun as long as the child stays in the general vicinity. It is easy to wander as you are riding the waves, so you need to keep a close eye on the surfer. If you have more than one adult, obviously it is much easier, but it is possible to go and have a good time and stay safe even if you are alone…..well, depending on the number of children, naturally. Kids almost always gravitate towards other kids, too….which can be fine or a challenge.

Have a plan for how you are going to get rid of the pounds of sand they carry home with them, in spite of your best efforts. We use both a hose and sprinkler to rinse off the bulk of the sand before entering the house. This can occupy up to a half hour of "fun in the sun" too!

It is a delightful way to create memories and spend summer time with your grandchildren. Crawling midst the rocks to look for starfish, crabs, and other such sea spawn can occupy hours. Do not plan on doing any beach reading while the grandkids are with you, but you will create lasting memories that are far better.

Tip #25: Going to the beach with your grandchildren is a wonderful way to spend a few lazy, hazy summer hours. The trick is in the preparation and organization. Pack a beach bag or tub into which you place essential beach ingredients (see above) and have it ready to go at all times. Check the weather forecast before setting out so you avoid having to scramble as the dark clouds roll in shortly after you’ve wended your way with all your paraphernalia to a prime spot…..and don’t forget to check on the tides so you don’t just get settled and have to move everything! Above all, dedicate yourself to total vigilance, and get down on your hands and knees and dig along with them. Giving yourself over to the moment, to the situation, will make it all the more pleasant for everyone. Enjoy!

On Bumps, Bruises and Other Minor Ailments

On Bumps, Bruises and Other Minor Ailments

First of all, I apologize for being absent for so long. All I can say is that life has been “too much with us” recently. Although it is all good, it has been frenetic. The children had dance recital, open house, Grandparents’ Day, and Sunday school finale. Two of them stayed with us for several days while their parents went to a wedding in CO. If you are regularly involved in their lives, you can expect that there will be times when things sort of spin out of control, I guess. One reason why I’ve been thinking about injuries and ailments is that because Ari and Megan were staying with us, we needed a note granting permission for medical treatment, and their insurance cards. Be sure to secure written permission for medical treatment if you are the caretakers and parents have to travel some distance to get to you. Even an hour can be critical. Funny how I only think of it when they are going on a “trip”; it occurs to me as I write this that there have been many times when they might not have been able to get here rapidly. Hmmm. Also be sure you have phone #s, and that they will be accessible. Our son and daughter-in-law were on a ranch with no cell phone signals available, and not often in the cabin where they were staying, and there was no way to leave a message…..fortunately, we did not need them, but it all made me keenly aware of things I’d neglected to establish in an emergency. Because we had the medical permission and insurance cards, I was not panicking over it all.

We keep a ready supply of things like Benadryl (for black fly bites and other things needing immediate attention), antiseptic wipes/ointment and character Band-Aids for minor cuts and bruises, children’s Motrin (generic is fine and far less costly…..it comes in both chewable and liquid form), ice pack, children’s bug spray and sun block, poison ivy lotion, sun burn cream, and tweezers. Best to check expiration dates because when things don’t get used routinely, they can sit for a long time and lose their effectiveness.

Since Emma fell on the driveway getting onto her bike, I no longer let them out of the garage without helmets. She had a giant bump on her noggin, and scared the daylights out of me. The old “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is my motto these days. However, you cannot prevent all accidents, and there will be bumps and scrapes and cuts and bruises along the way. If you keep them overnight, occasionally someone is going to develop a sore throat, a cough, a headache or stomach upset. It is not your fault, but you will have to deal with it. Recently when we traveled to Florida with five of them and their parents, and two stayed with us, Noah vomited twice in one night, and we (he and I) were slipping in it in our bare feet in the condo kitchen. Obviously he had not made it to the bathroom! I really hate it when one of them gets injured “on my watch”, but I realize it is inevitable, and I also know that I will just deal with it. After the traumatic incident has passed to a memory, I often feel a little shaky, thinking about “what might have been….”. I am fairly certain I can deal with events as they unfold, to hold steady in the moment, even if I crash afterwards. Remember now that the operative word here is “minor”. Perhaps at some later time I will be able to converse about the “major” stuff, but I am not ready yet.

Because health and nutrition are foremost in all of our minds these days, we try (though not hard enough) to not use food as comfort or treatment for aches and pains. It is very difficult to not offer a lollipop or jellybeans or whatever to help a child stop crying, or distract the child from focus on the injury, chiefly because these remedies are almost foolproof. Somehow it is simply instinctive with me/us. I know that redirecting attention is a great strategy, and really doesn’t require a lot. You just need to find something more enticing than the attention being lavished because of the accident or illness.

If the children are with us and not feeling well, we revert to those things that made us feel better as children: cheesy toast sticks (bread that has been lightly spread with any form of butter and then sprinkled with Kraft orange grated cheese, and then place under the broiler until crispy, and then cut into “strips” for easy handling), ginger ale or flattened coca cola, tea in a grownup cup with sugar and lemon, chicken noodle soup, Jell-O, ice cream, popsicles…..well, you get the idea. Think of the many ways in which you were treated when you were sick, and I bet most of them still work today! There are so many restrictions re: medications (such as cough syrup, aspirin, etc.), that you need to have conversations about these things with your children periodically so you don’t inadvertently administer a newly-forbidden otc drug and perhaps even do some damage.

If a child has a larger injury, such as a broken bone, it is fun to choose a doll or stuffed animal and apply a sling or cast or brace so they can be “twins”. I know that Vermont Teddy Bear Co. will create a teddy bear for you with identical injury (ies), but it is a very expensive proposition, and the familiar stuffed animals from home can work just as easily and less costly. You can strategically place a bandage or elastic bandage on a familiar doll, or even on yourself! It is amazing how well these things work. If you are the babysitters for children who are missing school, best to follow the protocol for “sick days” as prescribed by the parents. Our own children rarely missed school because 1) they had to be visibly, tangibly ill before one of us would relent and take the day off and 2) if they stayed home, they stayed in bed or on the couch, did not get up and run around even if they were miraculously cured midday and 3) either read a book or did school work and did not get to watch tv. Of course, this was in the pre-technology dark days when there were not a zillion channels from which to choose, nor even VCRs or DVDs, so the choices were limited. Children who discover fun when they stay home sick will be much more apt to be sick.

Most areas today have some type of on-call medical center where parents do not have to either suffer through an entire weekend with an ailing child or go to the costly ED where you endure an endless wait. When each of our children had their first child, we would get phone calls asking for advice re: ear aches, fevers, rashes, etc. Once they’ve been through it all with the first child, they become fairly independent, and I end up calling them for advice if we have some staying with us. Whatever works is my motto!

I cannot seem to find any pictures of the myriad injuries the children have had over the last ten years, but will add them should I locate them. Please, please be sure to comment if you have suggestions befitting this topic. I know it is of interest and concern to all grandparents!


Tip #24: No matter how careful or how prepared you are, accidents and illnesses will happen. Be prepared ahead of time by having some basics in your house/car, and having written permission to act in the child’s medical behalf if the parents cannot be readily reached. Know that you are a competent, intelligent human being who can deal with this stuff if need be. Rely on instinct, and the memories of what worked with your own children and even you! Attention and hugs are two very effective treatments, so use them liberally. Forewarned is forearmed, so do everything you can think of preventively, and then just go with the flow. If you are always cautioning about everything, the children will either prefer to just sit and do nothing, or will become anxious and fearful. Every bump and scar gives them a story to tell!