On Being Flexible and Resilient

On Being Flexible and Resilient……

As it turned out, there was no need to worry too much about how the children would handle Grampa’s illness and/or surgery. One family made him cards which they secretly gave me to hand to him after his operation. We then pinned them up on the bulletin board in his room, and though he was there just about 28 hours, several people commented on them. A couple of days after he came home, two came to visit him, and seemed unaware of anything except that they were not to jump on him or throw their arms around him in the customary bear hug. And the third family was away and seemed blissfully in the dark about the whole thing. Each handled it how each felt most comfortable, and so far it seems to be working.

After we got our hospital date, we knew we could not host Thanksgiving as planned, so we uninvited everyone (they all made alternative plans quite easily), and we planned to cook our own feast on the Sunday before. Then we sent an email with our plans, and, sure enough, our children decided they could be here……so we had an impromptu early Thanksgiving hastily assembled. Our son was working but was able to drop by during his lunch break; unfortunately his children were occupied elsewhere. But we were together as a family, and had a wonderful afternoon…..relatively calm, filled with good food, love and laughter. For the first time I invited the children to sit wherever they wanted rather than at the kids’ table in the kitchen….though I did request that 18 month old Jack not get a shot at the carpet yet. Since he was asleep when dinner began, it was a moot point. Most of the kids opted to remain in the kitchen anyhow. We had real plates for everyone, and napkins in napkin rings. Watching the kids place their napkins in their laps was a hoot, but it is time now to start learning some of the more refined points of etiquette (having mastered grace,” Father, Son and Holy Ghost, who eats the fastest eats the most!” and “Mabel, Mabel, strong and able, keep your elbows off the table”, and, after burping less than discreetly, “Pardon me, that was rude. It was not me; it was my food. It was sitting down below and just came up to say hello!”….well, you get the picture). So we used the china and the silver and gave the older kids knives. All went well.

Although I am very big on traditions, I am also learning that being flexible and resilient can lead to new and often better ones. This year we could not do Thanksgiving the way we have in the past, so we did the next best thing and had our own mini feast and it was just fine. Because our own children have to consider the families of their spouses as well as ours, they need to figure out how to do the whole holiday thing. Some alternate between the two sides. Some squeeze in both if the timing allows. Some families hold their celebrations on days other than the actual date. With divorce such a large part of family life today, accommodations have to be made. Having said all that, I confess to greedily wanting the kids here with us on every holiday and birthday……it is very hard to give them up to others. I don’t say anything, because how selfish would that make me look, but I connive to see them somehow whenever possible. My side of the family used to always gather on Christmas Eve for swapping presents (we draw names at Thanksgiving time so each person/couple only has to buy for one other, but we still have the joy of giving), but now that the kids are old enough to know about Santa, and young enough to still believe, they should be home in their own homes, and in their own beds on Christmas Eve. Last year we decided to do it on the Sat. afternoon/evening beforehand, and it worked so much better for everyone. We are repeating that this year, and then it will become a new tradition (once you do anything twice it automatically qualifies for traditionhood!).

Our daughters seem ready to take on some of the holiday hosting now. One daughter has already had Thanksgiving at her house twice; this year she and her family traveled to Ohio to his folks, so the celebration reverted back to us. Some years my sister hosts, but because of allergies, her son and his wife did the honors for them this year. We are recognizing that it is time to pass the torch on some of our holiday festivities, and we do so only a tad reluctantly. We need to keep in mind what is best for the children, not necessarily us. By keeping open-minded and willing to try new things, we are better able to adapt to our children’s lifestyles and help to make things easier for them in their very hectic lives. In that way we insure that they will continue to want to share these times with us, not simply out of a sense of duty or responsibility, but because they genuinely enjoy the company of their extended family members, and feel that their needs are being taken into account too. Whenever whole families gather, there is always the potential for disaster, or at least ruffled feathers. As the elders of the tribe, we need to do all we can (without being ridiculous) to try and foster smooth sailing.

Tip #38: By being flexible and resilient, grandparents can be models of how to adapt traditional celebrations so that the needs of extended family members get considered. Resentment can easily build if these needs are ignored. What is good for families before children changes dramatically once there are young ones around, and will change again and again as the kids grow and mature. Venues may change, families of spouses need to have their time with the children, and everyone needs to be included in the decision-making, if possible. If you want to be involved with your grandchildren in your advancing years, you need to do what you can now to insure that the extended family continues to enjoy being together.

PS Thanks to all of you who either wrote comments on the blog or directly emailed me with opinions about what to tell children about adult illness. That is exactly what I’d hoped for when I started this blog, and hope that more of you will feel comfortable chiming in soon…..or propose topics or issues or conundrums you’d like to bring up. None of us is as smart as all of us!

What to tell kids about adults' illnesses

What to tell children about adults’ illnesses?

Most of the children were not even born yet when my parents and my husband’s father were around, so this issue didn’t come up until Great Nana, who had been an integral part of their lives, became ill. She moved into assisted living, and we all went often to visit her there. Then she began to display more than physical deterioration, and that is when things got sticky. What do you tell children about aging and dementia? How can you keep them from blurting out embarrassing things, like the day I took Molly to the nursing home to visit a Great Aunt and she pinched her nose and said,”PU, it stinks in here!” and it did….. The old folks love to hug them, but the kids are afraid of their hairy moles, loose or missing teeth, wrinkly skin, etc. Pretty soon we will be the old folks (or am I deluding myself by not yet claiming ownership of this?), and will they recoil from us as well?

One of the things we did in our eighth grade classrooms was called a dialogue journal. We suggested topics, but kids could write about something else if they had something on their minds or just didn’t like that particular topic. One of the suggestions that elicited such passionate response that we had to focus a classroom discussion on it was things they wished their parents told them These students were mostly 13 and 14 years old. They strongly resented when things were kept from them, whispered behind closed doors, or not acknowledged. They felt that their parents must think they couldn’t see or hear; obviously they knew there was something wrong with grandma or an aging uncle or even an older cousin, now bald from chemo. Most made the case that what they imagined was wrong was often far worse than what the actual situation was…..and even if it wasn’t, they said that when their parents glossed over things or even lied to them, they lost trust or confidence in their parents’ credibility. All of this is fine for older children….but what about younger ones? What do you tell them, and when?

Obviously you must use common sense and wait until the moment presents itself if you can. Information on a need-to-know basis may work here, though sometimes not. I have a dear friend whose mother-in-law had to have a foot amputated because of diabetes. Before going to visit her, she and her husband told the children that their grandmother had had a sick foot and so the doctors had removed it, and asked them not to stare at their grandmother’s now-empty leg. Their son got on his hands and knees as if he’d dropped something so he could look at her legs under the table, but he didn’t say anything at the time. When they got back into the car to return home he commented, “Good thing her head wasn’t sick!”

Next week my husband, the grandfather of nine, is going to have fairly major surgery for cancer. We have not told the children anything, nor have we discussed what or if to tell them with our own children. He does not look ill, and they may not see him for the few days-two weeks of recuperation he anticipates before he is back on his feet. The older ones certainly know what cancer is, and part of my hesitation is that I do not want to frighten them. I have been thinking about this for the last two days, and still have no idea what we should do. Certainly I do not want the kids to be surprised by finding out their grampa had to have an operation while they weren’t looking, but I do not want to alarm them unnecessarily either. Nor is my husband eager to talk about this outside of the circle of close family members, so I don’t want to make this more difficult for him, either. ‘Tis a conundrum.
Any suggestions? The children range in age from 18 months-11 years.

Tip #37: When you don’t know what to do, seek advice, suggestions, opinions and input from those you love and trust. Then do what your gut tells you is the best option. Children have highly attuned eyes and ears, so if you are not opting for full disclosure as far as illness goes, at least do not lie to them

Halloween and the Issue of Choice

Halloween and the Issue of Choice

In case you haven’t noticed, Halloween has become an industry unto itself. It is second now only to Christmas in its marketing and frenzy. Whole stores are now dedicated to costumes and decorations. Maybe it’s the drought for advertisers and sales people that occurs between the Fourth of July/summer attack and Oct.31st? After all, what can they sell us about Labor Day?

Anyhow, for kids, Trick or Treating and the whole Halloween shtick are huge. They start thinking about their costumes as soon as signs of the ghostly night begin appearing in the stores. And this is where the issue of choice, a topic upon which I have written in the past and will do so again, probably, rears its ugly head. What does the child want to be this year? These store-bought costumes are elaborate, very expensive (especially if you have more than one child to garb) and often inappropriate (violent, sluttishly sexy, etc.). I have witnessed some of the most unbelievable scenes in Marshall’s, Sears, TJ Maxx and their ilk between parent and child over costume choice. Screaming and yelling, stomping of feet and toss of head, and almost always the parent capitulates. So, why am I writing about this in a blog dedicated to grandparents?

Sometimes grandparents get sucked into going to the store with Mom for this evil foray. Most often I watch them trying to back pedal, simply remove themselves from the immediate vicinity of the scene. Those who have been foolish enough to try to placate the child become the object of the child’s redirected anger. Highly embarrassed, they then abet the child because they just want to get out of the store before they die from embarrassment. I have even observed one or two foolish enough to attempt this purchase on their own. Most of the current generation of grandparents actually know and use the word “NO”, which does not bode well for a happy conclusion to this shopping trip.

There are many more ways for grandparents to get in trouble with this whole costume thing, such as offering unsolicited opinions, showing disapproval at the selection or the cost, or proposing alternatives that are totally out of sync with current pop culture. Are you guessing what my advice is going to be re: the whole costume thing? Stay out of it! Remember hint #1, Keep your mouth shut? If you feel you must have a discussion about it, try to do it well in advance of the decision-making. Maybe today’s parents need to hone negotiating skills, because it seems that somehow they have gotten the message that children will only become strong and independent if they are allowed to make choices. I totally agree with that, within reason. What I am talking about here is when children control the situation, make unrealistic or inappropriate demands, and parents give in. Let me say here also that I am in awe of our children’s ability to get around stubborn resistance to parental guidance. Our children do not find it necessary to narrow things down to black or white. Somehow they have found ways to get their children to make the decisions they want them to make (at least as far as this whole costuming thing goes) and yet the kids feel that they are the ones who made the choice. This is no mean feat, and I am very proud of them for somehow learning these tactics with positively no modeling from us!

Since I absolutely love our Halloween traditions, I don’t want to give the impression that I wish the day didn’t exist. For the last ten years (and in our family if you do something twice it becomes “tradition”) the families come for dinner (Chinese food for Arianna’s birthday, which is actually on the 31st) around 5:30, get changed into their costumes after dinner, and then go out in our very safe neighborhood together. Sometimes the smaller ones ride in the red wagon; the group actually looks like a swarm that moves like an amoeba! Parents carry lanterns, flashlights and kids. Kids wear glo sticks and carry pumpkins or special Trick or Treat bags (which I buy at local stores on Nov. 1 at half price, along with paper goods for the meal). Our children grew up here (we have lived in this house for over 40 years), and many of the neighbors knew them as children. I stay home and give out goodies; when the kids were much younger, often one or two would be dropped off by a parent because he/she grew weary of the whole deal and needed to just be warm and snuggled. I love it when the children of the playmates of our children appear on the porch, and their parents call from the lawn so I know who they are, that whole cyclical thing. I love how excited the children are, and how very cute they look in their costumes, and how much they love being with each other. For me, this is what family is all about. Yes, there are different personalities and different tensions surface each year, but the tradition prevails, and for that I am most grateful.

Hint #36: The whole “choice “ philosophy among the current generation of parents needs to be revisited. Try to have a discussion about it before it is actually in play, so it is less emotionally fraught. Brainstorm with your children about how children can be give choices (one or two per issue, not the whole gamut!) that are both acceptable and appropriate, but they need guidance, and an adult to be firm when they are making poor selections. For ex. with costumes, one per year will suffice. Some have different ones for school, rec party and Trick or Treating. Are you kidding? Narrow it down to two, and pick one. How about homemade? Our oldest daughter (genetically impaired when it comes to craftiness, at least from me!) managed to cleverly make all five for her children: cowardly lion, tin man, scarecrow, Dorothy and Toto….and they were a marvel to behold!