Recently a city newspaper with wide circulation ran an article about competing grandparents. Adult children find themselves caught when one grandparent, or set of grandparents, lavishes money and gifts on the children, while the other(s) either cannot or choose not to do so. Since this has not been a problem for us (yet), I had not thought too much about it; however, the newspaper piece certainly had everyone talking, so I am guessing that we are quite lucky in this regard. We rarely know what toys, clothing or money comes from the other grandparents. Occasionally one of the children might say, "My nana gave me this", or I might even ask, "That is a really cool toy--where did you get it?". Most of the time I am blithely unaware of the origin of most things. I do believe there is way too much "stuff" in all of our lives, and so have resolved to do more in the vein of helping to pay for an activity, sport, or summer program/camp. That way the children will be developing or fostering an interest and maybe learning something as well. Does anyone buy savings bonds anymore? I know I used to, but they seem to have gone by the wayside. I was mighty glad we had them when our own children were going to college, getting married, buying a car....whatever was of great importance to them and for which they needed money. What a great surprise it was to them to learn they had these savings bonds given to them for christening, birthday, Christmas, etc., when they were too little to even know what they were! Do any of you have suggestions for gifts that are not more toys to clutter up their already overcrowded homes?
We are also fortunate in that we don't seem to have conflict re: the time we spend with each family. Our children have worked out holidays so that we each get some time, and the children aren't run ragged trying to cover all the bases. I feel strongly that this is as much the responsibility of us parents as it is of our children. If we make them feel obligated or guilty about spending each holiday with us, they will feel those things, and soon resent us or dread the holidays, or both. We try to let them know that we love spending time with them, and if they can juggle it all so that they are not strung out, we'd love to see them. It is easier now that they are a bit older; those infant years surely were a challenge, what with naps and earlier bedtimes and all. Some families alternate, spending Thanksgiving one year with one set, and Christmas with the other. Some families arrange to celebrate on a different day so that the kids can be in their own homes at least to wake up in on Christmas morning. You might even pick a weekend day before the actual holiday, or after it. When I was still teaching, this was a very painful thing for children whose parents had divorced. There was no easy solution, and though they liked getting gifts from both mom and dad, most felt torn because they had to spend equal holiday time with both....and then there were the step siblings, but I'll save that for another time! I think we can improve on our current arrangements, even, and I am sure our traditions will evolve, as has everything else.
One set of grandparents lives far away, so when they come to visit, they spend a week or more. We try to stay away during that time to let them have full rein, though we like them and usually try to get together for a meal sometime during their stay. We have gone to grandparent activities at the schools, but only when asked. So far there has not been a conflict with too many of us wanting to go, but I am sure that could happen.
I think that if one spent a whole lot more money on the kids than the other, that would be difficult. For example, a friend shared that her in-laws give the kids a trip to Disney every year (they take them, so the parents aren't included). There is no way her parents can do anything like that, so they feel like they are not doing their part. We went to Disney twice with our kids; once we accompanied one daughter, her husband and two children who were going on a Make-A-Wish trip, and we paid our own way, exchanged a timeshare in the area, and then spent the first few days helping them. The other set of grandparents then came, and we overlapped for one day. We then left them the condo so that they could have the remaining time so that we didn't overwhelm our kids with our helpfulness. Nothing more stressful than having both sets of parents hovering and asking, "What can I do to help?"! We also went with our other daughter and her husband and five children, again to help with the sheer logistics of it all. They paid for our plane fare, and we were able to secure two condos for the week. Divide and conquer worked as well for us as it did for the Romans: the two older children stayed several nights with us, and at the parks they were able to do age-appropriate things while the younger ones and their mom and dad did the real kiddie rides. All in all, I think it worked quite well, and we are willing--perhaps even eager--to do it again. Yet here is where more guilt comes in; we have not done this trip with our son and his two. As a new single parent, everything is a challenge for him (and them), and we do not know yet how to negotiate "things". So to try to even things up, we have provided him and his girls with three nights at a resort that is about a three hour drive from here for later this summer. Is it comparable to a trip to Disney? Not by a long shot, but it is the best we can do for right now.
Trying to make everything come out fairly continues to be a challenge. Some of the children are simply easier to buy for, either because I am more aware of their tastes or because they are not as picky. I try so hard to keep it all even, but fall far short. They are not old enough yet to even notice the difference, but I know. We also try to make them feel that we love them all equally. Some are more receptive to our love than others, and we have to work harder with those who need convincing. We are currently working very hard on these two areas.
I would love for you to comment on anything in this blog that strikes a chord with you. How do you handle these things? Do you have any suggestions or advice for grandparents facing these challenges? How do you handle your role of grandparent? What do you see as your responsibilities, if anything? Chuck, my husband, is the only grandfather for our daughter's five as her husband's dad died when he was 13. Chuck embraced this role and tries hard to be the kind of grandfather he wanted to have. All of the other grandparents are alive and well and very much a part of the children's lives. As the kids approach the teenage years, we are hoping to maintain our relationships with them, but we do not live in a bubble! Plus having taught mostly eighth grade (some seventh, some high school, and even some college), I am keenly aware of how burdensome we can be to them until they see the light, around age 21!
Hint #49: Try not to get into a competition with the other grandparents. Be present in your grandchildren's lives, but do not try to buy them with over-the-top expenditures for gifts and trips. As they grow older, maybe tell them about a charitable donation you are making in their name (such as to grant a Wish for a child with a life-threatening illness, or support pediatric cancer research, or help with supplies for a place like David's House where the families of hospitalized children can stay on a sliding scale). Your time is the most valuable gift you can give. Never, ever bad mouth the other grandparents for any reason. Just be you, and love them to the stars and beyond.
