The Pain of Divorce
Recently our son and his wife divorced after a period of on again and off again trying to work things out. It really doesn't matter whose "fault" any of it is, because in every relationship there are two people involved, and only they know the details. It is also counterproductive for the children to have family members placing blame and casting aspersions on either parent. That said, divorce is never easy, and it is particulary hard on the children, no matter how good the intentions are of everyone involved.
As a parent/grandparent I found it very difficult to be relegated to observer, and to keep my mouth shut. I knew I needed to, but I cannot convey how painful and difficult this has been. Yet I know that our struggle is nothing when compared to that of the family involved. What is particularly hard is that it is both your child and your grandchildren suffering, and you are powerless to alleviate it for them. All you can do is be there as support: listening (without commenting), helping with child care, conveying unconditional love when tempers grow raw and situations seem dismal.
Then there is the question of what do you tell the other family members, particularly the children, and when do you tell them? How much can they understand? How can one person be a regular part of their lives one day, and gone the next? What if the person leaving the family is a godparent to one of the children? What if there has been a close relationship, and now it is gone?
How do you handle conversations about the missing parent at family gatherings? Our son wanted his wedding picture removed from the living room wall, so we took it down. No one has said anything, but they must be feeling something. Also we removed the small book of their wedding photos which rested with the others on the coffee table. Certainly the children have noticed, but I have not addressed it.
We are careful to never be negative about their mother as she will always be their mother and always be the mother of our grandchildren. Handing off the children from time to time causes us to come in contact, but I don't think it is very comfortable for any of us. Overall, it is just very sad and very difficult for the children who don't understand why their parents no longer love each other. Could they one day no longer love them? They are angry and hurt and confused, and this has been one of the most difficult things with which we have had to deal so far.
The pictures show the celebration of our son's birthday this month. Since the girls are too young to get their own presents, I decided to help them. I did not know if/what their mother might do about the birthday, and was pleased that she helped Megan have a surprise waiting for her daddy when he got home from work that day. I am sure we will figure this all out as time passes, and the pain will abate somewhat, but I am worried about the girls' emotional well-being, and I am also concerned about our son. I hope some day he will build a relationship that will nurture him and bring him happiness, but, in the mean time, the focus is the children.
Tip #51: Divorce is difficult and painful, but paying attention to the children and focusing on them is of great importance. Be careful not to allow feeling sorry for them to cause you to overindulge and create yet another problem. Love and kindness and understanding are tantamount....that, and referring back to tip #1, keeping your mouth shut. Try to find someone you trust who has been through it, and listen well to advice. Acknowledge that this is very difficult for everyone.
