Jumping Right In!

On Participatory Grandparenting:

You need to jump right in, both feet, eyes wide open, when it comes to doing things with your grandchildren. I hadn't been in a swimming pool or lake in years, and it had been decades since I sat on a sled and swooshed down a hill. I don't have many pictures of me doing these things since most of the time I am the photographer, and, believe me, I was holding on to my granddaughter and the sled for dear life!

Recently we accompanied our daughter and granddaughter to the Make-A-Wish night at the Verizon Wireless Arena for Disney's Princesses on Ice Skating Show. All around us were grandparents with tiaras (yes, granddads too!), little girls with hands tightly clasped in larger, veined but still strong adult hands. One grandmother was barely tall enough to see, but she sat up tall in her seat wearing a crown! At first it was her contagious grin that caught our attention, and we watched in silent admiration as she and her granddaughter put their heads together and gossiped about the prince.

Grandparenting is not a spectator sport. To be fully engaged, you have to participate. Sometimes I see grandparents dozing through recitals, reading newspapers at games, or standing off to the side in classrooms during visiting days. I feel that they are missing the most fun. Your grandchildren will long remember you screaming alongside them in the haunted house (if you can get any one of them to go in there with you...I have had little luck with that!) or on the roller coaster. Sitting with them in the waves at the beach, or swimming to the dock at the lake, or riding bikes, playing hopscotch, etc. These things don't necessarily have to be physical, either.

Get down on the floor and build puzzles, climb into bed and read books, find a table and build a Lego construction. Bake cookies, make Jello, set the table together. Play hide 'n seek, board games, or sit arm and arm in the movies or at a play. Not only will they remember clearly that you were there with them, you will enjoy it so much more. You will feel younger (well, once you conquer your minor insecurities, such as fear of flying down the icy hill out of control and crashing!) and more alive than you have ever felt before. Splash each other, bury each other in leaves, have a snow ball fight. Get squirt guns and make sure it is warm outside.

We are basically technophobes, and our grandchildren love to teach us how to play games, visit exciting websites, and even play on the Wii. They beat us at most everything that involves technology, but they love being our teachers. I am astounded at how much patience they have as they try to explain DS's and play station and x-box and Rock Band....I don't think I have it straight even now. This is their world, so while we are busy sharing our grownup world with them, we need to take the time and show the interest in their world. You will endear youselves to them even more if you do!

Tip #54: Get totally involved in activities with your grandchildren. Don't be bystanders, observing and recording and nodding off in your dotage. Teach them but learn from them too. Your lives will be richer and their memories of you enriched. Go for the gold!

Saying "No!"

Saying "No!"

Obviously I am constitutionally incapable of saying "No!" when it comes to Christmas...or birthdays, or any other excuse I can use to buy/do for our grandchildren. It brings us such great pleasure to be able to do "stuff", and because we are with them regularly, we have a fairly good idea of what they like. We also consult their parents for assurance that these purchases/events/activities meet with their approval. Sometimes we slip in a surprise or two, and hold our breath, hoping we haven't overstepped or goofed somehow. As you can see from the picture, Jack was clearly unimpressed with the new gifts and reverted quickly to the old and familiar box of toys! I know I need to tone it down, reel it in, and I will....one of these days. I continually vow that this time it will be less, but I have yet to keep that promise.

This advice is more for the parents of the grandchildren than the grandparents. One of the things our children do that I have not yet told them how much I appreciate it, is remind their children of whom gave them what, so, for ex., if we are at their house at bedtime and they say goodnight wearing the pj's we provided, they will remind us of the fact that they were a gift from us, usually saying something like, "Look! I am wearing my "Grammy jammies!". When Owen finished building his Lego bulldozer, he called to tell us about it. Both Molly and Emma called to thank us for the tickets to see Strega Nona in Boston and relate highlights. Children have to be taught, and then reinforced, how to be thankful. When our own children were young, I used to put thank you notes and stamps in their stockings (it worked for two of them!). We do not expect--or want--the kids to be thanking us at every turn, but it is very nice when they are wearing something, or playing with something, or attending something, that their parents nudge them by reminding them to mention it to us. And sometimes I forget that we did that, and then they laugh and say, "But Grammy, you and Grampa gave it to us!"

Tip #53: Do what makes you feel good when it comes to gifting your grandchildren. If you have trouble, as do I, saying no, then don't! Try to check in with the parents before you purchase/do something that might cause problems. Enjoy the children's delight, but do not expect gratitude for every little thing. The true pleasure is yours in being able to do what you want. I plan for my last check to bounce......how about you?

Happy New Year: My Wish

A new year and a new decade are upon us. Ruminating about the past and projecting into the future are interesting, worrisome and exciting excercises. Surely we have been blessed. At the start of this last decade we had only the one grandchild, Noah. By the end Ari, Molly, Emma, Megan, Owen, Ryan, Ian and Jack joined us. Such joy! By the end of this next decade, Ari, Noah and Molly will be in college or the working world; Emma, Megan, Owen, Ryan and Ian will be in high school; Jack will be in middle school, and we will be in our mid-70's! Egad. So what do I want for them? for us? for our adult children? for the larger world? I think I can sum up what I wish for all of us: Hope. I hope that the world will be a prosperous, healthy, tolerant place where our grandchildren can thrive. I hope that they can pursue their dreams, that they do not have to worry about health care costs and coverages, and that we as a country are at peace, not war. I hope that we are well enough to not be a burden on our children, and maybe even still be able to enjoy physical activity and travel. Though I know each will experience his/her own hardships and heartaches, I hope none of them permanently derail their lives. I hope we all have hope, as individuals, families, and a nation.

Tip #53: Be wary of being negative around your grandchildren. If all they hear is gloom and doom, how can they be optimistic about their futures? Yes, this last decade has been troublesome, and many of us experienced terrible financial woes as well as worry over things like swine flu, global warfare, and the ecology. But our grandchildren need to believe that there will be a viable world in which they can establish their independent lives, and we need to not crush that belief with constant negative carping about how terrible things are. I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand and not deal with the realities of our struggles, but we need to not put such a negative spin on everything that they despair. Help them see how they can make a difference!