Strategies for Happy and Successful Grandparents

Jumping Right In!

2010-02-03T08:51:00.017-05:00

On Participatory Grandparenting:

You need to jump right in, both feet, eyes wide open, when it comes to doing things with your grandchildren. I hadn't been in a swimming pool or lake in years, and it had been decades since I sat on a sled and swooshed down a hill. I don't have many pictures of me doing these things since most of the time I am the photographer, and, believe me, I was holding on to my granddaughter and the sled for dear life!

Recently we accompanied our daughter and granddaughter to the Make-A-Wish night at the Verizon Wireless Arena for Disney's Princesses on Ice Skating Show. All around us were grandparents with tiaras (yes, granddads too!), little girls with hands tightly clasped in larger, veined but still strong adult hands. One grandmother was barely tall enough to see, but she sat up tall in her seat wearing a crown! At first it was her contagious grin that caught our attention, and we watched in silent admiration as she and her granddaughter put their heads together and gossiped about the prince.

Grandparenting is not a spectator sport. To be fully engaged, you have to participate. Sometimes I see grandparents dozing through recitals, reading newspapers at games, or standing off to the side in classrooms during visiting days. I feel that they are missing the most fun. Your grandchildren will long remember you screaming alongside them in the haunted house (if you can get any one of them to go in there with you...I have had little luck with that!) or on the roller coaster. Sitting with them in the waves at the beach, or swimming to the dock at the lake, or riding bikes, playing hopscotch, etc. These things don't necessarily have to be physical, either.

Get down on the floor and build puzzles, climb into bed and read books, find a table and build a Lego construction. Bake cookies, make Jello, set the table together. Play hide 'n seek, board games, or sit arm and arm in the movies or at a play. Not only will they remember clearly that you were there with them, you will enjoy it so much more. You will feel younger (well, once you conquer your minor insecurities, such as fear of flying down the icy hill out of control and crashing!) and more alive than you have ever felt before. Splash each other, bury each other in leaves, have a snow ball fight. Get squirt guns and make sure it is warm outside.

We are basically technophobes, and our grandchildren love to teach us how to play games, visit exciting websites, and even play on the Wii. They beat us at most everything that involves technology, but they love being our teachers. I am astounded at how much patience they have as they try to explain DS's and play station and x-box and Rock Band....I don't think I have it straight even now. This is their world, so while we are busy sharing our grownup world with them, we need to take the time and show the interest in their world. You will endear youselves to them even more if you do!

Tip #54: Get totally involved in activities with your grandchildren. Don't be bystanders, observing and recording and nodding off in your dotage. Teach them but learn from them too. Your lives will be richer and their memories of you enriched. Go for the gold!

Saying "No!"

2010-01-11T06:42:00.009-05:00

Saying "No!"

Obviously I am constitutionally incapable of saying "No!" when it comes to Christmas...or birthdays, or any other excuse I can use to buy/do for our grandchildren. It brings us such great pleasure to be able to do "stuff", and because we are with them regularly, we have a fairly good idea of what they like. We also consult their parents for assurance that these purchases/events/activities meet with their approval. Sometimes we slip in a surprise or two, and hold our breath, hoping we haven't overstepped or goofed somehow. As you can see from the picture, Jack was clearly unimpressed with the new gifts and reverted quickly to the old and familiar box of toys! I know I need to tone it down, reel it in, and I will....one of these days. I continually vow that this time it will be less, but I have yet to keep that promise.

This advice is more for the parents of the grandchildren than the grandparents. One of the things our children do that I have not yet told them how much I appreciate it, is remind their children of whom gave them what, so, for ex., if we are at their house at bedtime and they say goodnight wearing the pj's we provided, they will remind us of the fact that they were a gift from us, usually saying something like, "Look! I am wearing my "Grammy jammies!". When Owen finished building his Lego bulldozer, he called to tell us about it. Both Molly and Emma called to thank us for the tickets to see Strega Nona in Boston and relate highlights. Children have to be taught, and then reinforced, how to be thankful. When our own children were young, I used to put thank you notes and stamps in their stockings (it worked for two of them!). We do not expect--or want--the kids to be thanking us at every turn, but it is very nice when they are wearing something, or playing with something, or attending something, that their parents nudge them by reminding them to mention it to us. And sometimes I forget that we did that, and then they laugh and say, "But Grammy, you and Grampa gave it to us!"

Tip #53: Do what makes you feel good when it comes to gifting your grandchildren. If you have trouble, as do I, saying no, then don't! Try to check in with the parents before you purchase/do something that might cause problems. Enjoy the children's delight, but do not expect gratitude for every little thing. The true pleasure is yours in being able to do what you want. I plan for my last check to bounce......how about you?

2010-01-04T03:20:00.009-05:00

Happy New Year: My Wish

A new year and a new decade are upon us. Ruminating about the past and projecting into the future are interesting, worrisome and exciting excercises. Surely we have been blessed. At the start of this last decade we had only the one grandchild, Noah. By the end Ari, Molly, Emma, Megan, Owen, Ryan, Ian and Jack joined us. Such joy! By the end of this next decade, Ari, Noah and Molly will be in college or the working world; Emma, Megan, Owen, Ryan and Ian will be in high school; Jack will be in middle school, and we will be in our mid-70's! Egad. So what do I want for them? for us? for our adult children? for the larger world? I think I can sum up what I wish for all of us: Hope. I hope that the world will be a prosperous, healthy, tolerant place where our grandchildren can thrive. I hope that they can pursue their dreams, that they do not have to worry about health care costs and coverages, and that we as a country are at peace, not war. I hope that we are well enough to not be a burden on our children, and maybe even still be able to enjoy physical activity and travel. Though I know each will experience his/her own hardships and heartaches, I hope none of them permanently derail their lives. I hope we all have hope, as individuals, families, and a nation.

Tip #53: Be wary of being negative around your grandchildren. If all they hear is gloom and doom, how can they be optimistic about their futures? Yes, this last decade has been troublesome, and many of us experienced terrible financial woes as well as worry over things like swine flu, global warfare, and the ecology. But our grandchildren need to believe that there will be a viable world in which they can establish their independent lives, and we need to not crush that belief with constant negative carping about how terrible things are. I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand and not deal with the realities of our struggles, but we need to not put such a negative spin on everything that they despair. Help them see how they can make a difference!

The Extended Family

2009-12-25T21:33:00.014-05:00

The Extended Family

The holidays bring us all together to share meals, gifts, conversation, and the pure joy of being together. I love that the cousins get to have these traditions, and I hope they will continue for years to come. I wonder what happened to my own cousins with whom I spent so many happy times.

Early this morning when we were alone and preparing for the day, we talked about how one day we will no longer be able to host the family as we do now. My husband loves to have them come to us as he is most comfortable in his own home. He does most of the cooking, and he likes to use his own oven and utensils. I think he feels more in control here, and he always has something to do rather than having to spend the entire time in conversation, though with the immediate family that is not a problem. He loves having the kids around and shows them how to do things. Today my younger brother was able to join us, and he fit in so naturally it just felt right. The children simply accept that he is a part of all of this, though I doubt many of them know who he really is.

I try to explain to them the different relationships: cousins, aunts, uncles, friends who are close enough to be relatives, but it is overwhelming for them. The older ones knew one great grandmother, but they don't know whose mother she was....Grampa has four brothers, and they really only see two of them on even a sporadic basis. I show them pictures of Christmases past, and talk to them about these others, so maybe someday it will make sense to them.

One thing that made us all quite happy today was seeing Arianna, the daughter of our son's ex-wife. Though she has no legal ties with our son, she was a part of our family for nearly ten years, and it has been very strange to have her just gone from our lives. She is now living with her mother and estranged from our son, whom she called "dad" since she was 18 months old, and the cousins had no idea that she was anything other than a regular cousin, just like them. They seemed so happy to see her, and she them. I thought it strange that none asked any questions, like where have you been or how are you? Our son seemed genuinely delighted to see her, and it lifted everyone's spirits, even though it was a very brief visit....her mother was waiting in the car and probably very uncomfortable with the situation.

Though holidays bring much enjoyment, they can also be "sticky" and require patience and understanding. Having family to encircle the children as they grow helps them to feel loved and secure.

Tip #52: Try to bring the extended family into the lives of the grandchildren as often as possible. Explain relationships and encourage questions. It is work to gather family under one roof, but it will help the children to know they are connected to others and loved.

Thorny Issue #2:Divorce

2009-08-27T07:17:00.007-04:00

The Pain of Divorce

Recently our son and his wife divorced after a period of on again and off again trying to work things out. It really doesn't matter whose "fault" any of it is, because in every relationship there are two people involved, and only they know the details. It is also counterproductive for the children to have family members placing blame and casting aspersions on either parent. That said, divorce is never easy, and it is particulary hard on the children, no matter how good the intentions are of everyone involved.

As a parent/grandparent I found it very difficult to be relegated to observer, and to keep my mouth shut. I knew I needed to, but I cannot convey how painful and difficult this has been. Yet I know that our struggle is nothing when compared to that of the family involved. What is particularly hard is that it is both your child and your grandchildren suffering, and you are powerless to alleviate it for them. All you can do is be there as support: listening (without commenting), helping with child care, conveying unconditional love when tempers grow raw and situations seem dismal.

Then there is the question of what do you tell the other family members, particularly the children, and when do you tell them? How much can they understand? How can one person be a regular part of their lives one day, and gone the next? What if the person leaving the family is a godparent to one of the children? What if there has been a close relationship, and now it is gone?

How do you handle conversations about the missing parent at family gatherings? Our son wanted his wedding picture removed from the living room wall, so we took it down. No one has said anything, but they must be feeling something. Also we removed the small book of their wedding photos which rested with the others on the coffee table. Certainly the children have noticed, but I have not addressed it.

We are careful to never be negative about their mother as she will always be their mother and always be the mother of our grandchildren. Handing off the children from time to time causes us to come in contact, but I don't think it is very comfortable for any of us. Overall, it is just very sad and very difficult for the children who don't understand why their parents no longer love each other. Could they one day no longer love them? They are angry and hurt and confused, and this has been one of the most difficult things with which we have had to deal so far.

The pictures show the celebration of our son's birthday this month. Since the girls are too young to get their own presents, I decided to help them. I did not know if/what their mother might do about the birthday, and was pleased that she helped Megan have a surprise waiting for her daddy when he got home from work that day. I am sure we will figure this all out as time passes, and the pain will abate somewhat, but I am worried about the girls' emotional well-being, and I am also concerned about our son. I hope some day he will build a relationship that will nurture him and bring him happiness, but, in the mean time, the focus is the children.

Tip #51: Divorce is difficult and painful, but paying attention to the children and focusing on them is of great importance. Be careful not to allow feeling sorry for them to cause you to overindulge and create yet another problem. Love and kindness and understanding are tantamount....that, and referring back to tip #1, keeping your mouth shut. Try to find someone you trust who has been through it, and listen well to advice. Acknowledge that this is very difficult for everyone.

Thorny Issues #1

2009-07-30T16:25:00.000-04:00

Thorny Issues

I think it best if I start small now that I am going to venture into this morass. I tried to start with mostly positive, pro-active explorations and suggestions, but I am beginning to sound like Pollyanna, and I certainly know that parenting and grandparenting can be incredibly challenging and full of land mines. So here goes.

Let's talk about clothing. People of my generation (let's just say over 50) have very specific ideas of what is "appropriate" dress. I don't mean just casual or dressy, but even length, layers, bare skin, etc. Some of the styles today, particularly for girls, are....well...not to be too crass, sluttish. Little girls look like hookers. I hate them. However, I cannot come right out and say that, especially if the clothing is actually on the child. Boys often look like they still have their pjs on or the clothing is ripped (on purpose, no less!). Children arrive in mid-winter with no boots, hats or zipped jackets, or in summer with nothing to change into after getting wet under the hose, sprinkler or dipping into the ocean. I am excluding my 9 grandchildren here as I truly feel that my own children and their spouses try very hard to have their children dress with some sense of decorum. I don't remember our own children expressing strong views on what they wore as young children, so it astounds me when I see/hear a three year old dressed in a rag tag collection of articles of clothing which the parent says he/she chose and could not be dissuaded from wearing. Oh, yes, and the whole issue of choice. Parents seem to feel that if they don't allow their children to make choices about everything, somehow they will be stullified....so the kids face dozens of choices all day long, overwhelming choices because of the sheer number of them, and then looking like something that Mom and Dad don't have the time to really see....how else could they possibly bring them out in public looking like that? I will say that almost all parents today are very careful about sunscreen and bug spray, which is definitely an improvement over our generation. I am afraid that we allowed our children to burn and peel on a regular basis, and encouraged them to swat at the bugs if they were bothered by them.

Nobody irons anything anymore. Many young parents came in for parent conferences a mass of wrinkles; many of our younger teachers looked like they rolled out of bed and into whatever they found on the floor. Children rarely look purposefully groomed for an outing. Perhaps parents' lives are simply too busy to pay attention to such matters, but it is disheartening to see how much they are willing to spend for designer clothing with brands plastered all over items, and yet do nothing to eliminate the rolled up and kept in a bag look.

I suppose I sound like a curmudgeon, but it is something that bothers me from time to time. It is certainly not the "thorniest" of the issues I hope to discuss here, but a starting point. I believe I have mentioned before my belief that children get responded to differently depending on how they are dressed. That initial impression causes the child to be greeted in a positive way or not, often sending warm, approving vibes before words are exchanged. This makes the child automatically feel appreciated and approved. You don't have to buy expensive clothing to achieve this...but you do have to have a voice in the selection, and attempt to keep clothing reasonably wrinkle-free and laundered. Don't my grandchildren look great in these pictures?

Tip #50: Although you probably have to keep your mouth shut if you don't like the way your grandchildren are dressing, perhaps you could show the parents this entry? Buy clothing that you deem appropriate but not too geeky or nerdy? Take your grandchildren clothes shopping and assist in the selection? You must not foist your taste on them as then you may be responsible for teasing by peers, and never trusted again. 'Tis a ticklish issue, and one that may appear not worth fighting on the surface.

Grandparent Rivalry and Fairness

2009-05-29T11:09:00.012-04:00

Grandparent Rivalry and Fairness

Recently a city newspaper with wide circulation ran an article about competing grandparents. Adult children find themselves caught when one grandparent, or set of grandparents, lavishes money and gifts on the children, while the other(s) either cannot or choose not to do so. Since this has not been a problem for us (yet), I had not thought too much about it; however, the newspaper piece certainly had everyone talking, so I am guessing that we are quite lucky in this regard. We rarely know what toys, clothing or money comes from the other grandparents. Occasionally one of the children might say, "My nana gave me this", or I might even ask, "That is a really cool toy--where did you get it?". Most of the time I am blithely unaware of the origin of most things. I do believe there is way too much "stuff" in all of our lives, and so have resolved to do more in the vein of helping to pay for an activity, sport, or summer program/camp. That way the children will be developing or fostering an interest and maybe learning something as well. Does anyone buy savings bonds anymore? I know I used to, but they seem to have gone by the wayside. I was mighty glad we had them when our own children were going to college, getting married, buying a car....whatever was of great importance to them and for which they needed money. What a great surprise it was to them to learn they had these savings bonds given to them for christening, birthday, Christmas, etc., when they were too little to even know what they were! Do any of you have suggestions for gifts that are not more toys to clutter up their already overcrowded homes?

We are also fortunate in that we don't seem to have conflict re: the time we spend with each family. Our children have worked out holidays so that we each get some time, and the children aren't run ragged trying to cover all the bases. I feel strongly that this is as much the responsibility of us parents as it is of our children. If we make them feel obligated or guilty about spending each holiday with us, they will feel those things, and soon resent us or dread the holidays, or both. We try to let them know that we love spending time with them, and if they can juggle it all so that they are not strung out, we'd love to see them. It is easier now that they are a bit older; those infant years surely were a challenge, what with naps and earlier bedtimes and all. Some families alternate, spending Thanksgiving one year with one set, and Christmas with the other. Some families arrange to celebrate on a different day so that the kids can be in their own homes at least to wake up in on Christmas morning. You might even pick a weekend day before the actual holiday, or after it. When I was still teaching, this was a very painful thing for children whose parents had divorced. There was no easy solution, and though they liked getting gifts from both mom and dad, most felt torn because they had to spend equal holiday time with both....and then there were the step siblings, but I'll save that for another time! I think we can improve on our current arrangements, even, and I am sure our traditions will evolve, as has everything else.

One set of grandparents lives far away, so when they come to visit, they spend a week or more. We try to stay away during that time to let them have full rein, though we like them and usually try to get together for a meal sometime during their stay. We have gone to grandparent activities at the schools, but only when asked. So far there has not been a conflict with too many of us wanting to go, but I am sure that could happen.

I think that if one spent a whole lot more money on the kids than the other, that would be difficult. For example, a friend shared that her in-laws give the kids a trip to Disney every year (they take them, so the parents aren't included). There is no way her parents can do anything like that, so they feel like they are not doing their part. We went to Disney twice with our kids; once we accompanied one daughter, her husband and two children who were going on a Make-A-Wish trip, and we paid our own way, exchanged a timeshare in the area, and then spent the first few days helping them. The other set of grandparents then came, and we overlapped for one day. We then left them the condo so that they could have the remaining time so that we didn't overwhelm our kids with our helpfulness. Nothing more stressful than having both sets of parents hovering and asking, "What can I do to help?"! We also went with our other daughter and her husband and five children, again to help with the sheer logistics of it all. They paid for our plane fare, and we were able to secure two condos for the week. Divide and conquer worked as well for us as it did for the Romans: the two older children stayed several nights with us, and at the parks they were able to do age-appropriate things while the younger ones and their mom and dad did the real kiddie rides. All in all, I think it worked quite well, and we are willing--perhaps even eager--to do it again. Yet here is where more guilt comes in; we have not done this trip with our son and his two. As a new single parent, everything is a challenge for him (and them), and we do not know yet how to negotiate "things". So to try to even things up, we have provided him and his girls with three nights at a resort that is about a three hour drive from here for later this summer. Is it comparable to a trip to Disney? Not by a long shot, but it is the best we can do for right now.

Trying to make everything come out fairly continues to be a challenge. Some of the children are simply easier to buy for, either because I am more aware of their tastes or because they are not as picky. I try so hard to keep it all even, but fall far short. They are not old enough yet to even notice the difference, but I know. We also try to make them feel that we love them all equally. Some are more receptive to our love than others, and we have to work harder with those who need convincing. We are currently working very hard on these two areas.

I would love for you to comment on anything in this blog that strikes a chord with you. How do you handle these things? Do you have any suggestions or advice for grandparents facing these challenges? How do you handle your role of grandparent? What do you see as your responsibilities, if anything? Chuck, my husband, is the only grandfather for our daughter's five as her husband's dad died when he was 13. Chuck embraced this role and tries hard to be the kind of grandfather he wanted to have. All of the other grandparents are alive and well and very much a part of the children's lives. As the kids approach the teenage years, we are hoping to maintain our relationships with them, but we do not live in a bubble! Plus having taught mostly eighth grade (some seventh, some high school, and even some college), I am keenly aware of how burdensome we can be to them until they see the light, around age 21!

Hint #49: Try not to get into a competition with the other grandparents. Be present in your grandchildren's lives, but do not try to buy them with over-the-top expenditures for gifts and trips. As they grow older, maybe tell them about a charitable donation you are making in their name (such as to grant a Wish for a child with a life-threatening illness, or support pediatric cancer research, or help with supplies for a place like David's House where the families of hospitalized children can stay on a sliding scale). Your time is the most valuable gift you can give. Never, ever bad mouth the other grandparents for any reason. Just be you, and love them to the stars and beyond.

Let Them "Be"

2009-04-27T08:35:00.009-04:00

Just Letting Them "Be...."

When did we stop giving children the freedom to amuse themselves? I know I am very guilty here. Whenever I know the children are coming for more than just a quick visit, I start thinking about what we can do. I gather "stuff": crayons, paper, stickers, glue, clay.....you get the idea. I fret about the amount of time we will have together, and how to fill it. I plan outdoor activities, and trips to the playgrounds and museums, if I am going to have them for extended time periods. I am not saying there is anything wrong with these things, but the notion missing in my planning is "moderation" (actually it is missing in most anything I do!).

Though it is great fun and exciting and interesting to plan all these things for the kids, recently I've been asking myself, "when do they just play?" I was babysitting at my daughter's a couple of weeks ago when the weather miraculously turned from shivery cold to a New Englander's description of "mild" (still requiring jackets), so after the older two finished their homework, we all went out into the back yard to "play". I didn't organize a thing, because I was so busy watching Jack (almost 2) explore and marvel at what he found, that I didn't pay much attention to the other four. Suddenly I had a moment of keen awareness. They were all exploring, experimenting, and totally occupying themselves with no interference from me! Curious to see how long it would last, I became simply an observer for quite a bit. Epiphany time! I did not have to orchestrate (micro manage) every second of my time with them. Left to their own devices, they were quite capable.

I know that they love to play dress up and put on "performances", but for some reason this creative capability did not transfer to other arenas of play, at least not in my mind. Imagination is a wonderful thing, but it needs to be fostered and left alone to blossom. Give the kids some empty boxes and watch what happens! Leave them to their own devices in the tub, pretend to be occupied doing something else in the room while they play, and you will be delighted with what they do! Emma hid under the laundry basket, and then discovered she could move it. Jack followed her across the living room floor, curious and astounded by this "alive" thing. They must have played this invented game for a good half hour. Who knew?

Grampa made them a puzzle board so they could build their puzzles and then move them wherever they wanted. We both would jump right in to help, but then discovered the kids taking the puzzle board to a private corner or nook so they could try it alone. Hmmm. Was it possible that they did not want or need our help? Or that maybe we should wait to be asked before we barged right in to rescue them?

If you've been reading these posts all along, you know that I feel strongly that the greatest gift we can give our grandchildren is our time (and attention), and I do still believe that. They need us to read to them, play board and card games with them, and even engage in activies such as playing catch. Now I also think we need to give them unplotted time, time during which they can invent their own games, find their own "toys" and amuse themselves through their own devices. Time to simply play. What a gift!

On another note, if you live within driving distance of Exeter, NH, consider having your child or grandchild register to ride in the second annual Kids PMC Ride, to be held in the Timberland parking lot (on the Exeter/Stratham line) on Sun., June 14th. Go to http://www.pmckids.org/ and sign them up (you may want to sign up to volunteer that day, too!). There is a $10 registration fee which gets them a tee shirt, a goody bag and a raffle ticket. Plus if they are pre-registered, they can just pick up their packet and go right to bike decorating or any of the other pre-event activities without waiting to enlist. Everyone had such a good time last year, even though it was our first time, and none of us were really sure of what we were doing. Maribeth did a great job of organizing it, learning much along the way. We will be drawing the ticket for Chuck's Amazing Raffle at this event. If you have not yet purchased one of the only 200 tickets he is selling (to win a one-week, 2 bedroom luxury condo vacation anywhere in the world there is availability with our timeshare deposit....you only need to pay for your transportation) be sure to do so soon. You can go to www.pmc.org and access profiles and find Chuck's and donate online...if it is for $50 he will know you want a raffle ticket. Or you can email him or me or send a check....it all works. He is training now for his one day, 86 mile ride. Your grandkids would love this event, and you would be helping a great cause, finding a cure for cancer in kids. Hope you all are still voting in the Betty Crocker Contest for Make-A-Wish, too, which lasts until 5/26. So many ways to help.....

Tip #48: Let them be. Leave them alone occasionally and encourage them to amuse themselves. Don't interfere, suggest, prompt, etc. If materials are needed, provide them, but try to just stay out of their way. I promise you will be pleasantly surprised and, perhaps like me, wonder why you didn't allow them this freedom of play sooner. Then step back and observe, cherishing what you see, and maybe even secretly capturing some of it with your hidden camera!

Crazy Bingo

2009-04-22T20:43:00.012-04:00

Crazy Bingo

First, I apologize for being gone from my blog for so long. I have no excuse, other than "the world was too much with me". All of a sudden I was working much more than usual (my choice, picking up all the extra hours I could in anticipation of going on vacation), and then we went to Florida (oh, poor us!). When we returned I jumped right back into the whirlwind of life and kids and work again. Now I have a brand new computer, monitor, and combination printer, gifted by my husband and children, for no apparent occasion. How lucky can one person be? I am struggling to familiarize myself with all their idiosyncrasies, and I am a very slow learner when it comes to technology.....So please bear with me.

Our holiday pictures look the same as those of years' past, although the kids are bigger! Drew, proudly displaying the lamb's head, is actually our nephew (seen in another picture here with his younger brother, Dan). Their father is my husband's youngest brother (there is a 19 year span from oldest to youngest among the five brothers). Dan, who is a grandson, and Noah, who is a great grandson, could end up in the same 6th grade classroom next year when they both move from different towns to the cooperative middle school. What a hoot!

Anyhow, we gathered as usual, and served the traditional appetizers, including shrimp cocktail. All of a sudden I heard cries of dismay. Oh, no, I thought, what is wrong with the shrimp? Turns out I bought a different kind of cocktail sauce (actually a more expensive one that I thought they'd like better), and they were clamoring that it just wasn't the same (quite politely, but unmistakably upset). My husband quickly added horseradish to it and saved the day. When I went back to the supermarket on Monday, I decided I'd buy a few of the old favorite, but it is no longer being stocked! Now what? I guess they will simply have to adjust. I really hate it when something that has been a part of our dining tradition disappears. Here is a confession. Most of our family eats Kraft grated American orange cheese on pasta. It is next to the parmesan, in a blue shaker can, on the grocery shelf. When my sister moved to Michigan for a while, I had to ship her a caseload. Mandy couldn't find it in Athens, GA., either. Then it was no longer here....panic! Fortunately it returned before our supply ran out. None of us it trusts it, however, so we all stockpile. I bet you have guilty food secrets too!

It was the fastest egg hunt yet as the temperature was "coolish" and the winds were whipping. I knew how many eggs I'd planted, so I just divided that number by the number of searchers, and told them how many each could find. Then the older kids helped the younger ones. We used plastic grocery bags with their names already on them in laundry marker. When we went back inside, they dumped the contents of their eggs into their already-labeled bages, and I recycled the plastic eggs to use again next year. I put quarters, bunny erasers, bubble rings, and assorted other "goodies" as well as candy in the eggs. They seemed to enjoy it all. I also hit the stores earlier this week to replenish supplies at 50-75% off and have tucked them away safely for next year.

One day a week I volunteer at the Make-A-Wish Foundation of NH, and there I have met many wonderful people. Among them is one of the most creative and entertaining grandparents I have encountered thus far. I have stolen many of my ideas from her and her husband, and plan to continue doing so. One is called "Crazy Bingo", and I introduced it to the kids when we were at the "mountain house" in Feb. All you need is two decks of cards and a bunch of wrapped items, such as packs of gum, candy bars, lottery tickets, silly string....whatever "stuff" you can find at the dollar or bargain stores. I spent about $20 all together for the Easter version, simply because there were more players. You deal the whole deck, so the number of cards each player gets depends on how many are participating. You then use the second deck and draw a card and call it out. The player holding that card may then choose from among the wrapped items. He/she opens it, nicknames it, and then hides it under a jacket or pillow (we used towels). The next person whose card is drawn (I did not let anyone win more than once each round, but that is totally up to you) gets to choose next, unwraps it, nicknames it, but then can either keep it or trade for one already opened....but only if she/he can remember who has it and what its nickname is....obviously more difficult if there are more players. Oh, and I preface the whole game with admonitions about whining and complaining, promising that each player would end up with at least one thing, even though it may not be the item he/she most desired. If that isn't acceptable, I invite them to drop out before the game begins so as not to be responsible for having it cancelled forevermore. No one did. It was a great way to spend a lot of time, especially since going outside was not an option. The grownups got to hold actual conversations in the other room, undisturbed by their children for once. We had many laughs, and only one little voice of protest when it was over....quickly squelched by his mother. Now I just have to be sure that they understand that this will not necessarily be a part of every Easter's celebration, though I imagine it will become a part of our "mountain house" tradition! Thank you, Elizabeth.

If any of you have suggestions for ways to entertain children at family gatherings, please use the comment link below this blog to share them with the rest of us. Fair is fair, you know!

Tip #46: If the weather restricts your activities during family gatherings, try to be prepared ahead of time with things for the kids to do. Although they may be content to watch or play videos, they will remember the occasion much more vividly if you actually do something with them. I highly recommend Crazy Bingo!

Help Grant a Child's Wish

2009-03-04T05:58:00.005-05:00

How You Can Make a Difference

Times are tough, as we all well know. For organizations such as The Make-A-Wish Foundation, decreasing donations means cutting back on the breadth and depth of Wishes that can be granted. Beleagured families, battle-weary from whatever critical illness the child has, need this respite now more than ever. Betty Crocker has teamed up with the MAW Foundation and is running an advertising promotion for its website and products. Here's how you can help! You go to this website: http://www.bettycrocker.com/StirringUpWishes/Default.aspx and register (there is a hard to see log in button in red under and to the right of the Support button). And then you vote for the NH chapter by scrolling your mouse over the state of NH and clicking on the yellow button there. That's it! You can vote once daily. Betty Crocker is going to fund the granting of 12 Wishes over 12 weeks, and you can help that happen simply by voting once daily. Please take a few minutes of your time to do this...once you've logged on the first time, you can add the website to your favorites and then it will take less than a minute each day, and cost you nothing.
Our granddaughter had her Wish granted in March of 2004. She and her parents and little brother went to Disney World. Chuck and I and her other grandparents went along to help, but we provided our own funding (many families cannot afford to pay for the extra people to accompany them and thus miss out on having more hands to make light work!). We exchanged our timeshare for a place just outside of Disney and Chuck and I stayed there the first four nights and then left it to the other grandparents from Ohio; in that way we didn't overwhelm the kids with four doting grandparents trying to be helpful all at once!
They stayed at Give Kids the World, an absolutely amazing "resort" for families of children with illnesses in Kissimmee. First they were picked up at home by a limo, which transported them to the local airport. There they were met by their very own Wish Granter, helped through the rigamarole of boarding, and then met again in Orlando by a Wish Granter there carrying a huge sign with Emma' s name on it. No waiting in line for their rental car....keys tossed to them as they passed by the counter and headed to GKTW. Do yourselves a favor and go to the website for this amazing refuge, and read all about how it got started and what it does for its visitors. Later today I hope to add pictures from there and the rest of the Wish Week. In each "villa" were huge Mickey and Minnie dolls and several other gifts for the children, and a refrigerator and freezer full of kid-friendly foods and treats. At night you could sign up for characters to come and read bedtime stories. The cookie cart rode up and down the streets, jingling its bell to signal its presence outside your door. Why a cookie cart and not ice cream? Because the ice cream palace is open 24/7! One morning we were headed to the dining hall for breakfast when the volunteer from the ice cream store ran out to greet us. Obviously he was lonely, and he did everything in his power to convince us that he had all the basic food groups for breakfast: fruit (bananas, cherries, strawberries, blueberries), dairy (milk, whipped cream), nuts, waffle cones.....well, you get the picture! Of course we succumbed and had every child's dream breakfast (wasn't too shabby for the adults either!). There was a sprayground, a carousel, and a main building where each Wish child filled out a star that was then put on the ceiling which resembled a night sky. In the darkness each star glowed, and Emma could see her Star among all the others of the children who'd been there.
At Disney itself the family had special passes and wore a special name tag which subtlely identified them as Wish people....and so never had to wait in line, and got extra special treatment from the many characters throughout the park. When we saw Woody and Buzz we despaired because there was a long line, and we really didn't feel comfortable flaunting our status as a Wish family. So Emma and I got in the line and waited....about 20 minutes later we made it to the front, and then Woody and Buzz made an enormous deal over her and her dad caught it all on video. Then the Disney worker in charge of the area scolded us and told us that everyone understood about Wish kids and how they tire easily and deserve special attention for all that they were going through, and that we were never to wait in line again! People behind us didn't seem to mind a bit that Emma got extra time with the characters, so we followed that dictum from then on.
I cannot describe how incredibly renewing to the spirit this Wish Trip was for our entire family. Our daughter and her husband had been to hell and back, scrambling to understand what was happening to Emma (more on that later) and all the medical terms and decisions while trying to keep things normal for Owen who was just a baby, 12 weeks old, when Em was diagnosed. They wrestled with schedules, getting Emma to appointments and therapy while seeing that Owen was covered at home. Friends, relatives and neighbors all helped, but it was (and still continues to be) a prolonged nightmare. To be treated as royalty, to have all those worries and cares set aside even for just a very short week, allowed them to forget about all of this and just "be".......and I cannot tell you how needed and appreciated this was for everyone.

Tip #45:
So, please, find the time today to log on to the Betty Crocker site and vote for the NH chapter so that the organization can continue to grant these Wishes. I volunteer there one day a week (even though it means traveling 50 miles round trip to do so, that's how impressed I was by what they do!) and so see first hand how many children there are in dire need of this opportunity, and how difficult it has become to find the funding to do so. Thank you, in advance, from the bottom of these very grateful grandparents' hearts. See how easily you can make a difference in a child's life.

2009-02-09T18:45:00.005-05:00

Part One: On Minor Ailments and Illnesses

Remember when our own children were little and got sick? Didn’t it seem like it always happened after 5 pm on Friday, and you had no recourse until the doctor’s office opened again on Monday morning? No one went to the er (now the ed) unless something life-threatening happened. For a brief, stress-relieving but all-too-short period of time a neighboring town had a walk-in clinic. How I loved that place! But, even there, it seemed like fevers and coughs and rashes disappeared as soon as you crossed its threshold! Our children managed to break bones, contract chicken pox (which led to Ryes Syndrome in our son, but that’s for another entry….major!) and mono, scrape, bruise and bump their bodies until we felt well-tested. One of the favorite assignments I used to give my 8th graders was called “Scar Stories”. Students drew stick figures of themselves and labeled the scars they’d acquired up till then. Next they chose one particular scar to write about. If they had a truly riveting story, they could stick to the facts. However, almost all of them chose to go the fiction route, embellishing as little or as much as they needed to create a really, really good story. They loved writing about themselves, but even more, loved the license to use hyperbole. Often they got carried away and had to be reined in….this produced a great lesson on asking your audience to engage in “a willing suspension of disbelief” without going so far it became preposterous.

Because we both worked full time, we had little allowance for staying home, and no back up if a child was truly ill. One of us had to then miss work, so our children went to school as long as they could sit up and take nourishment. One immediate ticket to stay home was, of course, fever. If you stayed home, you did nothing. You did not play video games (well, there were none!) or get up and run around (even if you miraculously recovered midday) nor anything else that resembled “fun”. Maybe they watched a little TV. We had standard remedies: chicken noodle soup, cheese toast, ginger ale, Jell-O, popsicles, etc. Even today our children agreed that it was much better to drag your aching body out to school then to endure a day at home.

What is it like today for your grandchildren? Blessedly many have almost immediate phone and even office-visit access to help. It still amazes me how quickly a child can get seen. This is a definite improvement. People using them as they used to use a regular doctor today overwhelm the ed departments. Many do not have health insurance (and I am sure that number is only going to increase in this terrible job economy), and thus have no other recourse. You can literally wait for half a day or night to be seen there. Thermometers and other diagnostic instruments are much more precise and user friendly. The Internet provides instant answers to worrisome questions (though it also often misleads and produces a rush to judgment and fear), and cell phones provide instant access to spouses and relatives. I can attest that when one of our grandchildren is sick, we all worry collectively, and our own children actively seek our input. This is both good and bad, because what if we give the wrong advice? What if we minimize something that is or could become serious? Minor bumps and bruises, tended to with kisses, hugs, shaking it off, and trendy band aids I can easily handle, but fret often when the potential to blossom into something bigger looms on the horizon. I like being needed and having my opinion and “wisdom” valued, but I do not relish the responsibility of diminishing something that could be serious.

Tip #44: All children will have accidents, contract illnesses, and fake it at some time during their growing years. The best we can do is be there to listen, offer suggestions and advice when asked, provide babysitting relief so parents do not have to miss work, and give them loving warmth and tender care. We are allowed to spoil them if they are left with us! (We can also spot a faker in two notes!). How do we know when it is time to worry? The only answer I have is instinct. You have it. Trust it. Now add your own tips and comments, please.

PS If you would like to receive a description of the raffle for a week's vacation at a resort owned by Resort Condominiums International which we are offering to the first 200 who purchase a ticket, please email me at : karen.weinhold@comcast.net. Grampy decided to ride in the Pan Mass Challenge this year, which raises money for cancer treatment and research. As a recent cancer survivor himself, he knows what it is like to battle the cancer beast, and wants to do what he can to help. You can read his profile/story by going to http://www.pmc.org/ where you go to profiles and type in Chuck Weinhold. That will also lead you to the link for Team Emma's Enchantment, which is the team on which he will ride. All contributions are 100% tax deductible.

Kids and Fun(d)Raising

2009-01-24T13:12:00.017-05:00

Kids and Fun(d)raising

In a later posting I will attempt to discuss the impact cancer has had on our family. I have postponed writing about it for several reasons, one of which is that it is such a depressing topic, and I truly want to keep this blog positive and upbeat. However, much of the feedback I have received on earlier blogs indicates that readers want to grapple with problems and dilemmas that beset most of us at some time during our grandparenthood. I hope that not many of you will have to battle the cancer beast along the way.

Mostly you feel so helpless. Your child and your grandchild are in trouble. What can you do? Well, one thing you get involved in is funding the research that might once and for all find a cure. Although treatment may allow for a longer life, the effects of that very same treatment can compromise the quality of that life to varying degrees. The only real solution is to eliminate it. Several of the adults in our family are signed up to ride in the annual bike event known as The Pan Mass Challenge. Immediate family (which this year now includes Grampa, a cancer survivor himself, our daughter and her husband, nephew, co-workers and a ton of friends). One of our daughters has five children, and she was looking for a way to involve them. They wanted to help, too. Last year she and her husband facilitated the first ever PMC Kids Ride in Exeter, NH. It was so successful and the participants had such a great time that Maribeth and Sean signed on to do it again this year, on June 14th (not Father’s Day!) on the Timberland grounds (donated by the CEO of Timberland) in Exeter. All of the grandchildren will ride this year, as there are different courses for different age groups. It is not a race, and the participants do not have to fund raise (though they are certainly welcome to) nor do they have to meet any kind of a minimum. When they register they pay a $10 fee which gets them a tee shirt and all of the events for that day. Some of these are face painting, bike decorating, food, and water bottles. They wear their names on the backs of their shirts, and the dj announces riders at different times as they loop around. A lotof whooping and hollering accompanies them!

There will be music and cheering and raffles and dancing and eating. Everyone who attended last year felt the energy in the air, the wonderful feeling of groups of people, young and old, joining forces in a fun way to try to help children whose lives are a daily struggle. I could not have imagined the sheer joy we all felt, knowing we were doing something, anything, that might help. The older grandchildren helped prepare goody bags ahead of time, make posters, and recruit classmates and friends. Several groups (such as church, scouts, art class, karate) formed teams to participate, and raised additional funds by offering things such as free lessons or introductory classes for raffle. On the day of the event the older grandkids came early and were “gofers”, riding their bikes all around to deliver stuff and help with set up. The younger ones brought their enthusiasm and laughter, and know that it will soon be their turn to help as well. Our son was the medical person at the site. Former and present staff members and students from the school where I spent most of my teaching days filled the volunteer rosters, and have agreed to return again this year. They will be doing the bike decorating, face painting and other activities, monitoring the riders, manning the water station, etc.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to get your grandchildren involved in some sort of community service/service learning capacity as early as possible. For them to grasp the concept of helping others, of knowing that even as young as they may be, they can make a difference, they can help……especially other children who do not have the most magnificent gift of all, good health. It will give you something to do with them that will be productive and morally strengthening. It will create life-long habits and attitudes of commitment to humanity. On top of that, it will be fun!

Tip #43: Our new president exhorted us to accept responsibility for our world and the people in it. Children can learn this early on if we provide the moral compass for them, not by words but by actions. Get them involved in some type of service commitment at a young age, and do it alongside them. Through your modeling you will show them the way to make a difference in the world.

Legacy

2009-01-16T20:35:00.007-05:00

The Hoo Hoo Parade

My last blog got me to thinking about how I remembered my own grandparents, and how my children remember theirs. Food factors prominently in most of these memories, even though neither of my sets of grandparents possessed much finesse when it came to food preparation. It didn’t matter. We had many cousins, and on certain holidays we gathered to celebrate together. Singing was often involved as my grandfather and aunt both played the piano by ear. My Aunt Anne’s voice was lovely, and she and her husband sang at many of the family weddings, including ours. The places where we congregated were actually quite small, and I have no idea how we all fit; I never felt crowded or relegated to small spaces, and I do not know how they did that.

We were married in August, so the first round of holidays arose fairly soon after we became a unit. Trying to figure out how to “do” the holidays without hurting anyone’s feelings was a major challenge. Plus, I was not willing to give up time-honored traditions with my family, and my husband certainly had his own expectations of spending at least part of the time with his. As with most families, we managed to eke out a compromise that we could both accept. To this day we host a pre-Christmas celebration with my brother and sister and her husband, sons and their spouses and children. Originally we did it on Christmas Eve as we were all working and it was as close to being together on Christmas Day as we could get. Last year we began holding it on the Sat. before Christmas, and that has worked well. The little ones need to be in their beds with visions of sugarplums dancing through their heads on that special night, and early enough to let Santa get his work done in a timely fashion!

So why am I rambling on about all of this? Because I suddenly remembered The Hoo Hoo Parade! Unfortunately, I do not have any pictures of it, but my memory is sharp on this topic. For decades we spent Christmas Day at the home of my husband’s parents. His four brothers and their wives and children all participated, and a variety of other people over the years, particularly my father-in-law’s sister, husband and children. At any given time there were 10-15 children. After dinner and gifts, Bob, son #3, would disappear upstairs with all of the kids who could walk and a trash bag full of hoo hoos (the cardboard roll inside the wrapping paper roll, carefully saved for this express purpose). They lined up behind him and marched down the stairs, snaking through the house, singing “Randolph, the Shiny Gunned Cowboy” to the tune of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” (lyrics supplied upon request…not exactly pc by today’s standards!). Everyone enjoyed the performance, and when it was over, everyone found something to do, whether it was setting up the eternal bridge game, or playing with new toys, or sitting around chatting. Nana, my children’s grandmother, loved this yearly parade, laughing and hugging the children as they passed by her chair. In January of 2006 she died, and we were spread out around her gravesite for the internment rites on a cold winter day. After the final blessing, I saw my daughter and niece disappear in the direction of their cars, and emerge with two large trash bags. I couldn’t imagine what they were doing. Lo and behold, they had brought enough Hoo Hoos for one last parade. The now-adult cousins, each and every one of them, took a hoo hoo and marched around the coffin, singing and blowing through the tubes. There was not a dry eye amongst us, though those not privy to what was happening stood in somewhat shocked disbelief. The newspaper write-up said that the funeral ended with “a unique musical tribute”! It was just the right thing to do, and I am so grateful that the grandchildren thought it up and felt no compunctions about doing it. The priest departed quickly without bidding us goodbye; I guess he was just speechless.

What seemed like a silly little holiday entertainment became the cornerstone of her passage from us. I know she would have approved, and probably joined in herself. She loved life and lived it to its fullest. The children knew she loved them unconditionally; I knew that if any one of mine went to her and told her that he or she had just murdered someone, she would have asked, “What did he do to you?” They went to her with their joys and their sorrows, their successes and their failures. First she fed them, then wiped their eyes, folding them into a giant bear hug, scratching their backs, and listening. I offer her to you now as a model to aspire to, a grandmother who still influences how my children think and behave. What a legacy!

Tip #42: You don’t have to shower your grandchildren with money and presents to earn their respect and unconditional love. You do have to withhold judgment, listen with an open ear, and let them know that you will love them no matter what. Then toss in a few traditions and a kitchen full of bountiful good food, and they will love you to the moon and beyond…..

Random Routines and/or Traditions

2009-01-10T19:02:00.010-05:00

Random Routines and/or Traditions

I love the suggestions in the comments section of the Power-less blog. Be sure to read them. A college friend wrote that when her grandchildren were little and began sleeping over, they established a bedtime routine. Grampa would get the Cat-in-the-Hat hat, signaling it was story time. Each of them would also choose a hat to wear during the reading. They keep a box full of hats just for this purpose. Once they’ve donned the hats and curled up together in the bed, the reading begins, and the settling into quiet repose, preparatory to sleep, also begins. The hats are a signal that bedtime approaches, and no arguing/debating/coaxing, whatever, needs to take place. This is just the way it is. The earlier you begin a routine such as this, the easier it will be to have it set the bar for this particular activity.

We use placemats at the kitchen table when the children are dining with us; they know where they are kept and at a very early age enjoy “setting” the table with them. Now this same friend suggests that the children make the placemats out of construction paper, creating new themes and designs for each meal. This keeps them busy while you are getting the meal ready, and it gives them a way to contribute to the décor. The more of these “traditions” or “customs” you create, the more memorable and comfortable a visit or stay at your home will be.

I was perusing our vast backlog of pictures to see what other things we’ve done, as I struggled to recall…..and found very quickly that there are too many to count! We keep the same stuffed animals on the beds; they are now old friends. Depending on which grandchildren have been here, they can be found in various places upstairs….in the crib, on the toy chest, on the rocking chair, or just in different beds…but they never make their way downstairs, which is pretty amazing. Once Owen asked to bring the WebKinz panda to the table to keep him company when he was here alone (we had to get the booster seat for it!), but otherwise they appear to be “upstairs” items. We have certain tub toys which they don’t seem to outgrow, simple boats and floaty animals and mermaids. The love to all climb into Grampa's big chair to read.

They love to cook, whether it’s something simple such as brownies or Jello, or more complex, like gingerbread houses. So they make a mess….that’s what sponges are for! They also love to clean, and I wish I could find the picture of Owen vacuuming when the machine was bigger than he! They also love to accompany me to the basement to toss in the clothes, transfer to the dryer, and push the button to start the machines. They can help fold the laundry, even if it looks tormented, because then they can brag to their parents that they, too, helped!

I hope more of you will add other things you do to help the children take ownership of your homes. Ours also love to look at and play with the “stuff” on the refrigerator. Often when they are here they draw pictures for the specific purpose of having their artwork mounted for all to see.

Tip #41: Often it is the very simple things that remain indelibly etched in our minds. Remember your own trips to your grandparents? Sights and sound and smells and little traditions linger. Repetition creates patterns of comfort. Start when they are young. And enjoy every moment….their youth is fleeting…..

The Ice Storm Cameth

2009-01-01T17:03:00.012-05:00

The Ice Storm Cameth…..

On Thursday night, Dec. 11th, a ferocious ice storm hit our area. Although the storm itself was predicted, its intensity and duration far exceeded anything we’d previously experienced. We've lived in our house since 1967, and had never been without power for more than 4-5 hours. This time our neighborhood was out for 6 days, and others, both near and far, were out for longer periods. The whole experience demonstrated how very dependent on electricity we are, how a hot shower can do much to make any situation look less bleak, and how creative we can be when forced……

Power-less Activities

During the outage, superintendents were forced to cancel school because of downed power lines, lack of heat, difficulty of travel, etc. On top of the devastating ice storm, we were then treated to two back-to-back snowstorms, closing schools, which had just recently opened. Kids were stuck at home, disappointed because their holiday concerts were cancelled, bored because they did all the fun, camp-like things during the first 24-48 hours, and stymied by the lack of light and power. We helped out by keeping our son’s two girls, Ari, 11, and Megan, 6, for two of the days. In desperation, we traveled to their cousins' in the afternoon to try to vary the company, change the venue, and generally make the time stuck inside more pleasant.

So, what did we do? Well, one thing we were able to accomplish was the production of our annual Christmas treats, chocolate chip peanut butter balls. Because we have a dual stove (the top part has gas burners while the convection oven is electric), we were able to make these babies in huge numbers. It kept the girls happily occupied for an entire morning, and produced enough of these tasty tidbits to distribute to the usual recipients (we give them to the library, the local grocery store, the gas station, my work place, my school, etc.). Here is the recipe:

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Balls

1 pkg. (stack) graham crackers, crushed in blender (I always double the recipe and use two boxes of crumbs rather than mess with crushing the stacks, though is it cheaper)
2 sticks melted butter
1-cup creamy peanut butter
1 lb. conf. sugar
6 oz. Mini bits (or put regular bits in blender to chop)

Mix butter in crackers. Add peanut butter, then sugar. Gradually add mini bits; blend well. Roll into balls. Dip in chocolate and wax mixture (below). Drop on waxed paper and let set until hardened.

In a double boiler melt 12 ounces of chocolate bits and ¼ bar of paraffin. After water boils, turn to low to keep mixture warm but not too hot.

If you don’t use up all the chocolate on the balls, you can dip pretzels and Pringles in it as well. Just be sure to set whatever you’ve dipped onto waxed paper, or they will stick.

Next we played Clue and other games not electronically operated. Cards are always a sure bet, and you can see pretty well by candlelight, if necessary. However, you do have to be very careful with candles around fascinated little ones.
Krista, the “nanny”, found a large piece of cardboard, and they sat around the table drawing in companionable creativity, adding stickers and creative designs to their own and each other’s….if invited. We sang and danced and celebrated this “free” time together. We had raw veggies with dip on which to munch. Nobody missed the usual popcorn or bagel bites. I will admit that by the 6th day I was running out of things to cook on the stovetop, but there was no danger of any of us starving! All in all I think we did pretty well making the best of a challenging situation. I know that parents were very happy when kids were able to go back to school on the 22nd and 23rd. Many feared that if a storm caused cancellation on the 22nd, schools just wouldn’t bother to open for the one day. Now all are anxiously waiting to hear if the state will grant amnesty for these days, declaring that a “state of emergency” caused their cancellation, or if they will have to be made up in June….since it mostly occurred before the actual start of winter, school could even extend into July, a situation no one wants!

People reached out and helped others, and communities came together to open shelters, share generators, help shovel each other out, and look in on shut-ins and the elderly. Kids adapted fairly quickly, though they were mighty glad to get their electronic “gadgets” and movies back. It was a bit frightening to be out of touch with family members, as we did not have cell service for the first 2-3 days, and many of us have secured battery-operated radios since the storm. I think the children will remember these days for a long time to come…..and that somehow some good things came out of the whole episode. Candidly, I am proud of how everyone behaved, surprised at the creativity of many, and quite happy to not have it ever happen again in my lifetime!

Tip #40: Be open to the unexpected! When something blindsides you, such as a lengthy power outage, look to creative inspiration to rescue you! Kids love to do things with you, so making cookies or decorating or wrapping all create contentment and shared memories. Try to stay upbeat and positive, and the children will not feel the need to sit on the pity pot. Also, use the opportunity to teach about how people can help others, how communities can work together to make a difficult situation less so for many. Besides, it gives us all something we share in common, and a focus for conversation. “Do you have power yet?” became the question on everyone’s lips. When the kids got back to school, they all exchanged stories, drew pictures, and were comforted by their commonly shared experience. Joy to the world!

'Tis the Season to be Jolly.....

2008-12-11T18:58:00.030-05:00

'Tis the Season to be Jolly..."

Long before the cookies, carrots and milk sit waiting for Santa and his reindeer, there are so many things to do together as the holidays approach. Now that there are so many of them engaged in school, church, scouts and other groups’ activities, the challenge is going to be how to best divide our time among them all. Certainly we cannot attend all of the events, but we hope to make it to at least one for each of them. Of course, the New England weather doesn’t help one bit, as tonight’s concert for two of them has been postponed until next Tues. when, of course, another grandchild has a different concert in another town. However, we did what I used to do in my classroom when presented with a perplexing situation…..asked the kids! Noah easily agreed that since he had his whole family coming to his, and since we’d been to his before, we should go to Ari and Megan’s. Problem solved. He also offered to bring his sax here and play for us during one of our gatherings, to which we readily agreed. So, here is one piece of advice I’d forgotten myself, though I used it quite successfully in my classes: when in doubt, ask the kids!

There are concerts, church pageants, the reading of The Polar Express event at the local library, Christmas parades, Christmas parties, church fairs, tree decorating and lightings, caroling, and just visiting stores. The one in the pictures is called Cobblestones, and my sister-in-law works there. She suggested we bring the children to see the imaginative and fanciful decorations. The kids absolutely loved it, and it didn’t cost us anything but gas money and lunch at a make-your-own-pizza place. There are more expensive things we could do, such as a hay/sleigh ride through a wooded area which has been strung with lights and populated by characters (the Grinch scared them half to death one year) and their houses, but as our numbers have increased, we simply cannot do these things so easily any more. Most of the other things I’ve mentioned here are either free or relatively inexpensive.

The kids have their own trees, of course, but are most eager to help decorate ours as well. We make cookies and decorate those, but we eat a ton of them on their way to their resting place. We play Christmas music and dance and sing. Some of our special dvds/tapes for viewing include Gumby, The Little Drummer Boy, Rudolph…..all oldies but goodies. Because Ryan is dancing in The Nutcracker this year, several of us are attending that and all of them are learning the story so they know what he is doing.

Our focus, then, is not on the acquiring of gifts, but on the joy and magic of the season. We can walk around our neighborhood and visit the various decorations. The reindeer and Grinch down the street never fail to engage them. Sometimes we drive around to various well-known areas (one in a nearby town has at least 20 inflatables on its lawn!) and sing fun holiday songs as we go. We make hot chocolate and float marshmallows in it.

Lest you think I am totally immune to the whole gift-giving thing, I have to confess that I am completely in favor of it. Some might even say I am out of control, over the top, but more on that later. We do draw names so that each child and adult has to give to one other, but my husband and I do not participate in that. I derive so much pleasure from the planning, shopping….well, as I said, more on that later.

Tip #39: Try to create memories around activities rather than things. Plan to accompany your grandchildren to seasonal offerings, and take lots of pictures. Try to divide yourselves equally among them if you can. And if you run into a dilemma, ask the kids!! Above all else, don’t get caught up in the stress and hectic pace if you can help it. Try to slow down and enjoy even the simplest of things such as store decorations, lights on houses, and neighborhood offerings. It is a magical time of the year!

On Being Flexible and Resilient

2008-11-29T21:27:00.010-05:00

On Being Flexible and Resilient……

As it turned out, there was no need to worry too much about how the children would handle Grampa’s illness and/or surgery. One family made him cards which they secretly gave me to hand to him after his operation. We then pinned them up on the bulletin board in his room, and though he was there just about 28 hours, several people commented on them. A couple of days after he came home, two came to visit him, and seemed unaware of anything except that they were not to jump on him or throw their arms around him in the customary bear hug. And the third family was away and seemed blissfully in the dark about the whole thing. Each handled it how each felt most comfortable, and so far it seems to be working.

After we got our hospital date, we knew we could not host Thanksgiving as planned, so we uninvited everyone (they all made alternative plans quite easily), and we planned to cook our own feast on the Sunday before. Then we sent an email with our plans, and, sure enough, our children decided they could be here……so we had an impromptu early Thanksgiving hastily assembled. Our son was working but was able to drop by during his lunch break; unfortunately his children were occupied elsewhere. But we were together as a family, and had a wonderful afternoon…..relatively calm, filled with good food, love and laughter. For the first time I invited the children to sit wherever they wanted rather than at the kids’ table in the kitchen….though I did request that 18 month old Jack not get a shot at the carpet yet. Since he was asleep when dinner began, it was a moot point. Most of the kids opted to remain in the kitchen anyhow. We had real plates for everyone, and napkins in napkin rings. Watching the kids place their napkins in their laps was a hoot, but it is time now to start learning some of the more refined points of etiquette (having mastered grace,” Father, Son and Holy Ghost, who eats the fastest eats the most!” and “Mabel, Mabel, strong and able, keep your elbows off the table”, and, after burping less than discreetly, “Pardon me, that was rude. It was not me; it was my food. It was sitting down below and just came up to say hello!”….well, you get the picture). So we used the china and the silver and gave the older kids knives. All went well.

Although I am very big on traditions, I am also learning that being flexible and resilient can lead to new and often better ones. This year we could not do Thanksgiving the way we have in the past, so we did the next best thing and had our own mini feast and it was just fine. Because our own children have to consider the families of their spouses as well as ours, they need to figure out how to do the whole holiday thing. Some alternate between the two sides. Some squeeze in both if the timing allows. Some families hold their celebrations on days other than the actual date. With divorce such a large part of family life today, accommodations have to be made. Having said all that, I confess to greedily wanting the kids here with us on every holiday and birthday……it is very hard to give them up to others. I don’t say anything, because how selfish would that make me look, but I connive to see them somehow whenever possible. My side of the family used to always gather on Christmas Eve for swapping presents (we draw names at Thanksgiving time so each person/couple only has to buy for one other, but we still have the joy of giving), but now that the kids are old enough to know about Santa, and young enough to still believe, they should be home in their own homes, and in their own beds on Christmas Eve. Last year we decided to do it on the Sat. afternoon/evening beforehand, and it worked so much better for everyone. We are repeating that this year, and then it will become a new tradition (once you do anything twice it automatically qualifies for traditionhood!).

Our daughters seem ready to take on some of the holiday hosting now. One daughter has already had Thanksgiving at her house twice; this year she and her family traveled to Ohio to his folks, so the celebration reverted back to us. Some years my sister hosts, but because of allergies, her son and his wife did the honors for them this year. We are recognizing that it is time to pass the torch on some of our holiday festivities, and we do so only a tad reluctantly. We need to keep in mind what is best for the children, not necessarily us. By keeping open-minded and willing to try new things, we are better able to adapt to our children’s lifestyles and help to make things easier for them in their very hectic lives. In that way we insure that they will continue to want to share these times with us, not simply out of a sense of duty or responsibility, but because they genuinely enjoy the company of their extended family members, and feel that their needs are being taken into account too. Whenever whole families gather, there is always the potential for disaster, or at least ruffled feathers. As the elders of the tribe, we need to do all we can (without being ridiculous) to try and foster smooth sailing.

Tip #38: By being flexible and resilient, grandparents can be models of how to adapt traditional celebrations so that the needs of extended family members get considered. Resentment can easily build if these needs are ignored. What is good for families before children changes dramatically once there are young ones around, and will change again and again as the kids grow and mature. Venues may change, families of spouses need to have their time with the children, and everyone needs to be included in the decision-making, if possible. If you want to be involved with your grandchildren in your advancing years, you need to do what you can now to insure that the extended family continues to enjoy being together.

PS Thanks to all of you who either wrote comments on the blog or directly emailed me with opinions about what to tell children about adult illness. That is exactly what I’d hoped for when I started this blog, and hope that more of you will feel comfortable chiming in soon…..or propose topics or issues or conundrums you’d like to bring up. None of us is as smart as all of us!

What to tell kids about adults' illnesses

2008-11-20T10:42:00.008-05:00

What to tell children about adults’ illnesses?

Most of the children were not even born yet when my parents and my husband’s father were around, so this issue didn’t come up until Great Nana, who had been an integral part of their lives, became ill. She moved into assisted living, and we all went often to visit her there. Then she began to display more than physical deterioration, and that is when things got sticky. What do you tell children about aging and dementia? How can you keep them from blurting out embarrassing things, like the day I took Molly to the nursing home to visit a Great Aunt and she pinched her nose and said,”PU, it stinks in here!” and it did….. The old folks love to hug them, but the kids are afraid of their hairy moles, loose or missing teeth, wrinkly skin, etc. Pretty soon we will be the old folks (or am I deluding myself by not yet claiming ownership of this?), and will they recoil from us as well?

One of the things we did in our eighth grade classrooms was called a dialogue journal. We suggested topics, but kids could write about something else if they had something on their minds or just didn’t like that particular topic. One of the suggestions that elicited such passionate response that we had to focus a classroom discussion on it was things they wished their parents told them These students were mostly 13 and 14 years old. They strongly resented when things were kept from them, whispered behind closed doors, or not acknowledged. They felt that their parents must think they couldn’t see or hear; obviously they knew there was something wrong with grandma or an aging uncle or even an older cousin, now bald from chemo. Most made the case that what they imagined was wrong was often far worse than what the actual situation was…..and even if it wasn’t, they said that when their parents glossed over things or even lied to them, they lost trust or confidence in their parents’ credibility. All of this is fine for older children….but what about younger ones? What do you tell them, and when?

Obviously you must use common sense and wait until the moment presents itself if you can. Information on a need-to-know basis may work here, though sometimes not. I have a dear friend whose mother-in-law had to have a foot amputated because of diabetes. Before going to visit her, she and her husband told the children that their grandmother had had a sick foot and so the doctors had removed it, and asked them not to stare at their grandmother’s now-empty leg. Their son got on his hands and knees as if he’d dropped something so he could look at her legs under the table, but he didn’t say anything at the time. When they got back into the car to return home he commented, “Good thing her head wasn’t sick!”

Next week my husband, the grandfather of nine, is going to have fairly major surgery for cancer. We have not told the children anything, nor have we discussed what or if to tell them with our own children. He does not look ill, and they may not see him for the few days-two weeks of recuperation he anticipates before he is back on his feet. The older ones certainly know what cancer is, and part of my hesitation is that I do not want to frighten them. I have been thinking about this for the last two days, and still have no idea what we should do. Certainly I do not want the kids to be surprised by finding out their grampa had to have an operation while they weren’t looking, but I do not want to alarm them unnecessarily either. Nor is my husband eager to talk about this outside of the circle of close family members, so I don’t want to make this more difficult for him, either. ‘Tis a conundrum.
Any suggestions? The children range in age from 18 months-11 years.

Tip #37: When you don’t know what to do, seek advice, suggestions, opinions and input from those you love and trust. Then do what your gut tells you is the best option. Children have highly attuned eyes and ears, so if you are not opting for full disclosure as far as illness goes, at least do not lie to them

Halloween and the Issue of Choice

2008-11-02T10:28:00.016-05:00

Halloween and the Issue of Choice

In case you haven’t noticed, Halloween has become an industry unto itself. It is second now only to Christmas in its marketing and frenzy. Whole stores are now dedicated to costumes and decorations. Maybe it’s the drought for advertisers and sales people that occurs between the Fourth of July/summer attack and Oct.31st? After all, what can they sell us about Labor Day?

Anyhow, for kids, Trick or Treating and the whole Halloween shtick are huge. They start thinking about their costumes as soon as signs of the ghostly night begin appearing in the stores. And this is where the issue of choice, a topic upon which I have written in the past and will do so again, probably, rears its ugly head. What does the child want to be this year? These store-bought costumes are elaborate, very expensive (especially if you have more than one child to garb) and often inappropriate (violent, sluttishly sexy, etc.). I have witnessed some of the most unbelievable scenes in Marshall’s, Sears, TJ Maxx and their ilk between parent and child over costume choice. Screaming and yelling, stomping of feet and toss of head, and almost always the parent capitulates. So, why am I writing about this in a blog dedicated to grandparents?

Sometimes grandparents get sucked into going to the store with Mom for this evil foray. Most often I watch them trying to back pedal, simply remove themselves from the immediate vicinity of the scene. Those who have been foolish enough to try to placate the child become the object of the child’s redirected anger. Highly embarrassed, they then abet the child because they just want to get out of the store before they die from embarrassment. I have even observed one or two foolish enough to attempt this purchase on their own. Most of the current generation of grandparents actually know and use the word “NO”, which does not bode well for a happy conclusion to this shopping trip.

There are many more ways for grandparents to get in trouble with this whole costume thing, such as offering unsolicited opinions, showing disapproval at the selection or the cost, or proposing alternatives that are totally out of sync with current pop culture. Are you guessing what my advice is going to be re: the whole costume thing? Stay out of it! Remember hint #1, Keep your mouth shut? If you feel you must have a discussion about it, try to do it well in advance of the decision-making. Maybe today’s parents need to hone negotiating skills, because it seems that somehow they have gotten the message that children will only become strong and independent if they are allowed to make choices. I totally agree with that, within reason. What I am talking about here is when children control the situation, make unrealistic or inappropriate demands, and parents give in. Let me say here also that I am in awe of our children’s ability to get around stubborn resistance to parental guidance. Our children do not find it necessary to narrow things down to black or white. Somehow they have found ways to get their children to make the decisions they want them to make (at least as far as this whole costuming thing goes) and yet the kids feel that they are the ones who made the choice. This is no mean feat, and I am very proud of them for somehow learning these tactics with positively no modeling from us!

Since I absolutely love our Halloween traditions, I don’t want to give the impression that I wish the day didn’t exist. For the last ten years (and in our family if you do something twice it becomes “tradition”) the families come for dinner (Chinese food for Arianna’s birthday, which is actually on the 31st) around 5:30, get changed into their costumes after dinner, and then go out in our very safe neighborhood together. Sometimes the smaller ones ride in the red wagon; the group actually looks like a swarm that moves like an amoeba! Parents carry lanterns, flashlights and kids. Kids wear glo sticks and carry pumpkins or special Trick or Treat bags (which I buy at local stores on Nov. 1 at half price, along with paper goods for the meal). Our children grew up here (we have lived in this house for over 40 years), and many of the neighbors knew them as children. I stay home and give out goodies; when the kids were much younger, often one or two would be dropped off by a parent because he/she grew weary of the whole deal and needed to just be warm and snuggled. I love it when the children of the playmates of our children appear on the porch, and their parents call from the lawn so I know who they are, that whole cyclical thing. I love how excited the children are, and how very cute they look in their costumes, and how much they love being with each other. For me, this is what family is all about. Yes, there are different personalities and different tensions surface each year, but the tradition prevails, and for that I am most grateful.

Hint #36: The whole “choice “ philosophy among the current generation of parents needs to be revisited. Try to have a discussion about it before it is actually in play, so it is less emotionally fraught. Brainstorm with your children about how children can be give choices (one or two per issue, not the whole gamut!) that are both acceptable and appropriate, but they need guidance, and an adult to be firm when they are making poor selections. For ex. with costumes, one per year will suffice. Some have different ones for school, rec party and Trick or Treating. Are you kidding? Narrow it down to two, and pick one. How about homemade? Our oldest daughter (genetically impaired when it comes to craftiness, at least from me!) managed to cleverly make all five for her children: cowardly lion, tin man, scarecrow, Dorothy and Toto….and they were a marvel to behold!

Turning Tedium into Terrific Fun

2008-10-22T17:12:00.015-04:00

Turning Tedium into Terrific Fun

Raking and then disposing of leaves used to be one of those mind numbing, often boring, seasonal tasks for us. We wanted to get the leaves up before they blew into our neighbors’ yards, making us the scourge of the ‘hood, but had many more pressing (and enjoyable) tasks to do to get ready for encroaching winter.

However, once we had mobile grandkids, that all changed. Our learning curve on this seemed mighty slow at first. Of course they couldn’t handle the long-necked rakes! They needed much smaller, shorter ones they could actually manipulate! Best to not have wet or even damp leaves as they smell funny and are more easily tracked into the house. Try not to include tons of acorns as they can actually hurt tender young skin, particularly cheeks and noses.

Dress warmly enough but no need to wrap for mummyhood, as winter has not yet arrived. Running and jumping after raking really heat up little bodies! Earmuffs are great if it is nippy. Also, wear clothing that won’t matter if it gets scuffed up a tad.

Help foster creativity by suggesting different architectural constructions for the piles. No one said there was only one design for leaf piles! Not every batch needs to end up as a single mound, either!

Have your camera out and ready to go. Try to just keep snapping away because the fabulous moments last only split seconds.

If you want to add some pizzazz to the outing, break out a boom box, put on a rockin’ cd, and blast it. (Well, not so much that you disturb the very neighbors you are trying to placate by raking up your errant leaves!). Hot chocolate with marshmallows afloat and plain vanilla wafers put a cap on a great outing. And don’t be afraid to jump right in yourself, though you need to be aware of what your body can now tolerate as far as jumpin’ and jarrin’ go!

Tip #35: Mother Nature offers us a natural playground in the autumn every year. Be sure to use it, and to capture your seasonal frolics with your digital equipment. Feel again the sheer exuberance of unfettered childhood and whoop it up! Your grandchildren will long remember the fun they had with you!

Fall Fun and Foliage

2008-10-04T10:53:00.030-04:00

Fall Fun and Foliage

We love this time of year because although the “leaf peepers” pass through our area on their way to our beautiful mountains, the massive influx of summer visitors diminishes, and we reclaim our roads and beaches. There is just so much to do! Because we try to be very frugal so that we may continue to travel (just back from two weeks in Alaska, thus no blogging for quite awhile!), purchase things for our grandchildren while we are traipsing around the world (and now that there are 9 of them, that can be daunting!), and still enjoy them on a daily basis, we continue to read the local paper, noting what the school and community calendars offer each weekend.

There certainly is an abundance of both leaves and pumpkins. I shall write about the whole leaves thing in a future entry, but want to focus on some of the other things we do.

Just moving around the town, either with a stroller when younger, or on foot or bikes (usually we choose a “resting/refreshing place to stop during our journey, such as the town library, which has both bike racks and bathrooms), can be so much fun. People creatively decorate for both the autumn season and the upcoming celebration of Halloween (more on that in another future entry). We love to get “up close and personal” with the various lawn decorations, and if the owners are out and about, often get permission to take pictures using these props. The kids absolutely love to put an arm around a ghost or ghoul, print the photo out and take it to school,
later adding it to their photos albums on our coffee table.

Pumpkins are just fascinating, and definitely in abundance. Our neighbor/friend whom I have mentioned several times already knit a slew of pumpkin hats and the children love wearing them and trying them on dolls and stuffed animals. Of course, pumpkin carving is a great way to spend an afternoon, and we have saved remnants of things to use as accessories. Many places offer apple picking opportunities, often combining the central task with other fun things: face painting, balloon animals, and various transports through the orchards.

The school in which I used to teach holds an annual “Harvest Festival” that includes a hay ride onto the “Fairy Tale Trail” and a spaghetti supper. Eighth graders write the script for some “fractured” tales, create settings spread out throughout the school’s nature trail and outdoor classroom, and then perform as each cartload of squealing young uns approaches. Some of the more subtle lines go right over the heads of the younger ones, but they love the costuming and the familiarity of Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf, Dorothy and the Scarecrow, etc., so the enactments can be relished on many different levels. Each year the selections and portrayals change, based on the choices the students make that year. One year it rained and so they set up the scenarios in classrooms, not quite the same as the hayride tour, but at least not disappointingly cancelled. Sixth graders wait table for the spaghetti supper, and seventh graders typically sell drinks and desserts. All of these are fundraising activities for these classes, so the money is going to a good cause, and is a tremendous value as far as dining and entertainment go! (I am using the word “dining” liberally here as you can see if you look closely at those pictures). Often face painting, ring toss, sticker fun, and a host of other minor activities co-exist with the supper. Each fall we eagerly anticipate attending this fun-filled evening!

I am absolutely sure that many of you reading this have wonderful other suggestions to offer, and hope you will do so by accessing the comments link at the end of each posting. If you do not wish to leave your name, just write anonymous. Be sure to pack lots of wipes/wet naps as fingers and faces get sticky (particularly if an event includes cookie-decorating!).

Grandparents form a stable, predictable base for many of these community activities, and you do not have to live in a particular town to participate. If you take the children off for an afternoon of local amusement, their parents can find the time to do things that may be difficult with children underfoot (such as remove air conditioners, rest, grocery shop, get their own hair cut, etc.) Once again the gift of time is the most valuable gift we can all offer.

Tip #34: Scour your local publications/websites to see what schools and community groups offer for fun fall activities. Give your own children the gift of a free afternoon or evening while you enjoy usually very reasonable events which will leave enduring memories (especially if you photograph them!) with your grandkids. Take the time to breathe the crisp fall air, go apple or pumpkin picking, and savor every moment with the kids, because they grow up mighty fast.

2008-08-24T11:48:00.021-04:00

On Education (Yours and Theirs)

First of all, please refer back to Tip # 1: Keep your mouth shut. Begin there. Let it be your guiding principal, especially if you have any doubts about whether you should speak up or not. Then, if you absolutely must say something, think long and hard before you open your mouth. This is particularly difficult for me since I am not known for stifling my opinions (as my husband is wont to say, “Often wrong, never in doubt!”). Because I was a teacher for a very long time, I have definite biases and a modicum of background here….. nonetheless……

Surely you may ask the children about their school, their classmates, and their teachers. An aside: when Noah was heading off to kindergarten, I had a terrible thought: what if his teacher didn’t “get” him? What if she didn’t understand what an amazing child he is, bright, creative, and funny? I truly did not know what I was going to do! Fortunately, she was everything you would want as a parent and grandparent….. and now she is going to be the twins’ teacher too! But there have been teachers along the way with whom I have been less than thrilled, and I know there will be others. There have also been methodologies, assignments, projects and even daily activities that cause me to shake my head in disbelief. What can this supposedly trained professional be thinking? Sometimes I equate what is happening to the emperor’s new clothes……

You cannot allow the child to witness your disgruntlement with the teacher, or even with what he/she is being asked to do. You can try to understand it, if you must, and ask questions of the parents (not interrogate, which is my standard m.o……not a good idea!), but it is most harmful to disparage the teacher in front of the child. Since it is highly unlikely the child will be moved out of that classroom, you will only be the instrument of unsettlement, and no one needs that. It is terrific if you can show genuine interest in their learning, and even helping along the way. “Helping” does not mean “doing”, by the way.

As a teacher, I really felt trapped when a student submitted a project, completed at home, but so obviously above the student’s ability: intricate, glossy, polished products that had “adult help” beaming from every surface. The folks at home became extremely antagonistic if you questioned the child’s hand in the whole thing, and the child could get caught in the middle. I am most grateful that when my own children were in school, parents were not expected to “interact” or “interface” or whatever the buzzword is today. You were there to help if a child got stuck and if you had any idea how to help, but it was not expected that you’d be an integral player in each night’s home work. I watch my own children now struggle to keep pace with the multiple projects/papers/assignments that arrive weekly with each child. Children are expected to read aloud to an adult (now there’s something a grandparent can do!), use the computer for research (needs constant monitoring), do math and spelling worksheets, keep records, initiate projects, and a host of other things. If there is more than one child in the family in school, these are daunting tasks. What if both parents work? Nightimes are fraught with stress as families struggle to have dinner, do laundry, line up lunches, get clothes out, and complete the homework. Frankly, I don’t know how they all do it. So they don’t need us questioning the integrity of what is going on, but sometimes it is very hard not to ask just one tiny question…..

Children need to figure things out on their own. Certainly you can ask leading questions, perhaps even probing, when trying to pick a topic for a project, or narrow the scope of it. You can suggest different approaches, peruse some sites on the computer, even take them to the library and help them find things. Demonstrating how the Dewey decimal system works to locate references is amazingly helpful. I don’t know if kids learn that anymore, or if many use hard reference texts. The Internet provides much more up to date material, but that is not always the most desirable, depending on the focus. There are so many reference materials in the children’s room of the public library that are easier for kids to read and yet provide the substance needed. So this is another thing grandparents can do: take them to the library and do some exploring and explaining. You can also take them to the store for poster board and glue and any other materials they may need. You can discuss what they are going to do, guiding through your questions, but not overtaking the task. You can suggest a draft of anything that is going to be written, whether it is a piece to accompany a visual, or labels, so that it can be proofread for spelling and grammar, but you should not do it for them. Once it is on the poster board or display, you will create turmoil of epic proportions if you start pointing out mistakes then.

Tip #33: You want to offer encouragement and support as your grandchildren travel through their school years. You do not want to swoop in and take over their work. If you must question something, think twice, and then address the parents, not the children. You have much to offer; the negotiation is how best to do that so the children reap the benefit of your experience and wisdom, and not be unsettled by your unhappiness with the program or the person delivering it. Think about when our grandchildren are first learning to speak. We encourage, cheer, and almost stand on our heads as sounds begin emerging, helping them to refine these utterances into words, and never discouraging their attempts. Perhaps this is what we need to keep in mind as standard operating procedure when we are working with them on their school stuff. And remember, whenever possible, keep your opinions to yourself.

Practicing What I Preach: The Art of Erring

2008-08-12T17:06:00.002-04:00

Practicing What I Preach: The Art of Erring

Mistakes arrive in all shapes and sizes, some of which could be anticipated, and others are a complete surprise. Fostering independence by encouraging the children to dress themselves seemed like a no-brainer, until we realized they needed very careful oversight and direction, at least at the beginning. Emma neglected to remove her pj’s before putting on her jeans, and then found Grampa’s ski boots. She was extremely proud of herself until she fell and bonked her noggin on the hard floor at our timeshare in the mountains. Noah thought it looked like so much fun that he was the next to try, and somehow got his foot stuck inside the boot. The extraction was not a pleasant experience for any of us!

Food always poses interesting opportunities to mess up, both literally and figuratively. Giving Ian his own bowl of spaghetti turned out to be hilarious…..until we had to scrub to get the sauce out of his eyes and hair. He certainly was proud of being able to feed himself! Owen immediately ate the bottom out of his ice cream cone, and then watched in horror as the contents leaked onto the paper plate. Megan loved the taste of her birthday cake, but was horrified when she looked at the frosting on her fingers and the crumbs all over her tray. In each of these instances we were congratulating ourselves for promoting self-expression and independent action. Then we had to deal with the emotional (tears) and physical aftermaths (what a mess!). Thank goodness the tub was nearby……

And then there was the picture I wanted of all of them one Christmas. What was I thinking? The one displayed here is the last one we attempted. I have an entire series leading up to the final disaster. In each one at least one child is looking elsewhere, or twisted, or worming his/her way deeper into the pile. At the end of a very long Christmas day, no child or photographer has the patience for a group photo. But I persisted. Eventually they ended up in a pig pile, some laughing hysterically while others were in tears yet again.

For Noah’s 8th birthday he asked that we have an afternoon together, going to the beach, out to lunch, and to the arcades. No problem, huh? And it wasn’t, until we got into the arcade. I had no clue as to how any of them worked. Most took several quarters to get operational, and were timed, so if you didn’t know what you were doing, you might just as well have thrown the coins in the ocean. Noah was becoming disillusioned about his grandmother’s intelligence, so I scoped out the joint, found a teenager hanging out with himself, and cajoled him into demonstrating how the two games Noah had already chosen worked. Of course, it cost me extra because I had to pay for two, but it was worth every cent to save face. The kid was a tad scary looking, but it was the middle of the afternoon, there were not many others in the venue, and he truly was quite kind. Note to self: do not agree to activities if you have no idea what you are doing, no matter how simple they may appear!

I decided to take Emma and Owen to the beach after I worked on a recent summer Sun. We managed to get a parking space at the residents’ beach, and they were having a great time, though there was limited space because it was high tide. I forgot to check to see if it was going out or coming in......
Emma decided we should build a fort in which she could sit and the water would slowly filter in.....so we dug, and when she deemed it deep enough, she sat down, wearing her very favorite purple clogs (she doesn't like the seaweed to touch her feet) with her princess gibbets......and in a matter of seconds a huge wave swamped her, right over her head, and she went into drama queen mode: "Save me, Grammy, save me!" I jumped up, put my hands under her arms (a dangerous thing to do these days since she is extremely tactile defensive due to joint aches from the chemo) and hauled her out (the sand really sucked her in!), but leaving behind one of the beloved shoes. I started scooping furiously, but now the tide was advancing, and I was fighting a losing battle. Owen was trying to hold the ocean back with a small purple shovel, declaring, "I'll save it Emma!” Em began to wail: "It's gone forever! My most favorite shoe is going out to sea, and I will never see it again....." (If you've seen the movie Shrek you will have some idea of where she got her ideas of dramatic portrayals). A family nearby came over; two boys around Noah's age had long-handled shovels and they began to dig while the third one tried to console Emma by telling her that he had left his favorite clogs at the beach only the week before, and his Grammy bought him a new pair (however, he didn't know that the particular gibbets in Em's are extremely hard to find, nor did I). After 10 minutes, they were ready to give up too. Then the dad came over and said, "I can't stand to see the little girl so unhappy", and proceeded to dig even as the water encircled our knees. Emma was in my arms, sobbing, and I was covered in sand and seaweed. Owen was trying to remain standing, protect his sister and be the hero.....too much for one five year old, despite his best intentions. On the third stab he hoisted the shovel high bearing the purple, sand-stuffed shoe! Emma shouted "My hero!" and ran over and hugged the man around the knees....and from blankets to the left and right erupted "Hooray!" and "You rock!" and contagious clapping. It was a moment to behold. The man had tears in his eyes, and his sons were so proud....his wife was clapping, and their two year old was raiding our cooler while no one was looking. Just another afternoon at the beach.....

Tip #32: You will make errors in judgment, faulty decisions, and just plain goofs. Learn to laugh at them. Make sure you review with the children how you could have avoided whatever disaster befell. Reflect with them on what you’ve learned from your mistake/error/failure. Explore other options. Laugh some more. Try not to repeat the same ones. I once heard a definition of insanity as identifiable by when we do the same thing but expect a different result. Although grandchildren adore nutty grandparents, they do not want grandparents who are nuts!

Let Them Eat Sand! and Make Mistakes.....

2008-07-29T18:25:00.010-04:00

Let Them Eat Sand…..Make Mistakes…..Maybe Even Fail…..

During my last decade in the classroom, one of the things that frustrated me the most was how parents, in general, took to bailing their children out of everything. Excuses abounded. It was simply unheard of for a child (and I taught 8th grade, so these were not little children!) to suffer the consequences of mistakes or bad choices or whatever. If homework got left behind (or, imagine this, not done!), mom or dad came immediately to the rescue. It was never the child’s fault. Perhaps the dog died, or the grandparents showed up unexpectedly, or basketball practice ran late, or..well, you get the idea. It got to be so rampant that our 8th grade teaching team started a new policy: if the student arrived without the homework completed, he/she stayed that night to do it, and, if transportation home was a problem, we would provide it. All parents agreed, signed a paper giving us a phone # to call if the policy need implementing, and all was well….until it was his/her child whose head was on the block. Then the excuses started all over again.

Or, if the student forgot something such as gym clothes, lunch, homework, whatever, not to worry. Daily a steady stream of parents arrived in the office bearing whatever was needed. How do you learn responsibility this way? Just before I retired from the classroom I observed parents dropping children off late with Dunkin Donuts drinks and food….obviously they’d slept in and then gone out for breakfast! One day I watched as a parent delivered McDonald’s to the young man in the lunchroom. Apparently neither a lunch from home nor the school lunch met his nutritional needs or appetite!

So when I arranged a play “date” at the beach for our youngest grandson, Jack, 14 months, and the 13 month old daughter of my former math teacher/teammate, Emerson, I didn’t know how her mother would handle all the stuff a child gets into on such occasion. She passed admirably! As you can see from the pictures, Jack and Emerson had sand in every orifice, and even shared with each other. They fell down and got back up. They slapped seaweed around and tossed it away. The frolicked in the waves and got knocked over and swept away. We never left their side as they munched on rocks and grit. But we did not stop them. We made awful faces and noises as the grains crunched in their teeth, and we brushed them off and set them aright after they face planted, but we let them do these things!

How will children experience learning from their mistakes if they are not allowed to make them? How will they know that you can “pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again” if it is not fostered? What a disservice we do when we do not urge our young ones to experiment, to step out of the safety box (and I am not talking risky behaviors here), to not be afraid to actually fail! Later on in life when something happens that is less than perfect, and there is no way an adult can rescue them from their own actions, how devastating will it be?

So I exhort all grandparents to crusade for mistakes and failure. Tell them tales of problems you’ve encountered, grand flubups, terrible decisions, and show them that you are alive and kicking. Encourage them to try new things, but to think a bit more beforehand. Talk to your own children, their parents, and try to get them to see the error of their enabling ways. Let them suffer the consequences or take their punishment or deal with the disappointment. In the long run, you will be giving them the gifts of flexibility and resiliency, desirable attributes for success in a world that doesn’t always let you skip by.

Tip: 31: Encourage mistakes and failures. Teach your grandchildren how valuable a lesson you can learn from something if you own it and then act to rectify. Share stories of your own disasters, and tell them about their parents, too. Try to keep the hyperbole to a minimum, and remember that humor usually abets any woeful tale. Better to have risked and lost than never to have risked at all!

Clueless in Grandparent Land

2008-07-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

Clueless in Grandparent Land

There have been quite a few times in the past when we realized we were woefully behind in the whole pop culture world, but, aside from having to watch a few of the kids’ videos (Beauty and the Beast comes immediately to mind as we had no idea who Gaston was, and Grandpa received orders to portray him in our game one day), ask some questions about what the heck Yu-gi-o was, learn a bit about American Girl dolls and their “stuff”, watch them log on to register their Webkinz, and then send messages to each other, get into the jargon of the video games (never knew what an x box was, and not quite sure we get it even now) and, now that I am enumerating, a host of other things. TV land continues to be another planet, though we definitely know Hanna Montana, the Jonas Brothers, The Suite Life of Zack and Cotie, Wipeout, and AFHV.

So the problem is not so much with what we do know, but what we don’t. Two days ago I was sitting on the “mini dock” out in the lake with several of the grandchildren. I was right proud of myself for donning a bathing suit, diving into the coolish, murky water, and successfully swimming with this entourage to the diving dock. Whilst we were peacefully sitting there, enjoying the warm sunshine and gentle breeze, something happened. All of a sudden, children were taking umbrage with each other, there was moaning and gnashing of teeth, sides were drawn…and I had absolutely no idea what had occurred! I hadn’t heard a thing. Granted my hearing is not quite as sharp as it used to be (I told my students that I could hear a rat pee on snow, so they’d best be careful about what they whispered in the far reaches of my classroom!), but I honestly was totally clueless not only about what had ignited the fury but also about what needed to happen to resolve it.

What saved me was that our daughter, parent of five of them, was on the shore and had observed the proceedings. She called out for Ryan, almost 5, to apologize to Megan, almost 6. He heartily protested his innocence, but his mother had his number. Apparently there is a vicious villain, a female antagonist, in a show on the Disney channel (but one that doesn’t air before 8 p.m., for a now-obvious reason!), who, if she doesn’t deem you “sufficiently cool” enough, dismisses you with some three-fingered sign language, the gist of which is “you are a major loser”. Ryan evidently had signaled this to Megan, who knew exactly what he was saying, and was very upset by his “dissing” her. I don’t think we know even now why Ryan was sending this message to the very cousin he was so excited to see when he’d arrived about an hour beforehand, but he definitely was sending this message loudly and clearly. And it was a major offense, at least in the eyes of all of the others. But this is only one small example of how we can be totally out of it when trying to negotiate through their world!

I try to get the parents to give us some idea of what is ok and what is not as far as TV shows, computer games and movies go. With Emma it is fairly easy because her mouth smiles crookedly when she is “fibbing”, and when you call her on it, she will eventually succumb to an attack of giggleitis. Most of the others, however, possess considerable expertise in this arena. That is not to say that Emma doesn’t try to get away with things; she has manipulation skills that would rival any successful U N diplomat…she just uses a different modus operandi. I have learned to ask if the parent would allow ______________________, and then to watch their eyes. Usually they cannot sustain eye contact if they know that it wouldn’t be allowed. Also, they each have an individualized way of approaching us when asking for something that is normally verboten, and after a while even the densest among us can begin to recognize the signals. It is a world, however, fraught with land mines, and because it is constantly changing, you really do not have much chance of keeping pace.

This holds true for food as well. Mostly our children let us handle the whole food thing however we choose, suspecting that we will err on the side of healthy. Still, the kids push our buttons, asking for ice cream for breakfast (rarely allowed, but sometimes…), or dessert after both lunch and dinner, or extra helpings of starch under which to bury the dreaded vegetables…and we get snookered more often than not.

If I ask, “What would mom or dad say?” I can usually tell by the hesitation or averting of eyes if I have hit upon a trouble spot. But there are so many of them that we cannot possibly keep pace.
“What do you usually do at bedtime?” “ Have some candy and go to bed….. around 9….. with a drink of soda to help me sleep….” I think not.
“Do mom and dad let you watch this show?” “Sometimes.” (translation: never!).
“Did you have dessert at lunch today?” “I had a sandwich and some grapes”.
“Ok, but did you have dessert?”
“I ate all of my sandwich”.
“And then what did you have?”
“Some grapes.”
“And then what?”
“Oh, maybe I had a cookie….or two….”

Egad.

“What rating movies do mom and dad usually let you see?”
“Oh, they let us see P-G if it is only bad language.”
“How do they know how bad the language is?”
“Well, sometimes they just figure it will be ok.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and sometimes they go see it first and then they say it is ok for us.” (I do not believe this has ever happened, or, if it did, it was on a galaxy far, far away…).

Tip #30: Do the best you can to acquaint yourselves with some of the major pop culture icons, games, programs, heroes, music, and fads of children of different ages, particularly those of the same age as your grandchild/children. You do not have to submerge yourself in it, but try to keep abreast of some of it. Talk to your own children frequently, and try to figure out what is allowed and what is not. For ex., in one of our children’s families, the word “stupid” is not allowed. It has been used in such a pejorative way that the only thing the parents could do was ban it completely. Body part terminology (aka the “potty mouth syndrome”) also needs clarification. How many times can the child say “bum, or butt, or buttocks” before being called on it? This week they had a new one: derriere! The massive giggle attack that followed its use every time was a dead giveaway. They also love “poop”, “boobs”, “sexy”, “penis”, etc. How you respond will determine how often they will continue to try to insinuate these words into their conversation. Just as our own children did, they are trying to learn how to push our buttons. Mostly they succeed! Good luck. You are going to need it!

Gathering the Extended Family

2008-07-14T18:38:00.001-04:00

Gathering the Extended Family

If you can manage to have one member of the family install a pool, you have a natural gathering place. They start out in a little wading pool and gradually progress to the larger pool, initially accompanied by an adult, and then with floaties and vests and tubes, and, eventually, solo! Nothing entertains quite like water can, and it is delightful to watch them splishin’ and a splashin’!

We have a wonderful time when we all gather at our daughter’s above ground pool, as you can see by the pictures. The younger ones aspire to be doing the things the older ones can. There are any number of water games to play, and, as grandparents, we felt it our responsibility to teach them several of them. “Lady (or Gentleman) Overboard” is a made-up game from going up to the uncles’ camp on a lake in Maine. The player sits on the ladder or platform (depending on his/her level of dare deviltry) and the mc poses a question that the child is apt to know the answer to, such as “What is the capital of the U.S?” and “Where do rivers begin?”, choosing the level of difficult appropriate to the age and education of the child. If answered correctly, ask another. If answered incorrectly, the child must jump into the water. Now, as simple as this may appear, they will play this for hours, as long as there is not a long waiting time while you think up the questions! And you must be sure that they are not too easy or too hard; kids have a natural instinct and sense when you are fooling with them. I cannot explain the durability of this game, but I am happy to play it with them, though I often run out of questions before they lose interest. You can choose from many categories, much like Jeopardy, but remember that you have to know the answers!

Because we go to one sibling’s house, we try to chip in for things like paper goods, condiments, drinks, etc. No one should bear the cost alone. These things placed in a basket or big tub that can be filled with ice and used to keep drinks cold outside make great Christmas and birthday gifts, depending on when the birthdays are in the year. We call and tell what each will bring, from hot dogs, chicken, steak and burgers to pasta salad, tossed salad, fruit salad, pickles, chips, rolls, and, of course, dessert. If everyone does his/her part, we end up with a tasty meal whose cost has been shared equally. We try to keep a constant supply of graham crackers, Hershey squares and marshmallows to make s’mores. During corn season we can do away with a lot of the extras and relish the delicious summer treat. I bough little corn holders that go into the end of the cob on both sides and the children can then hold the ears without the heat causing them to drop them onto the ground, deck or water!

When the children come out of the water, they also need things to do, and this is a good place to let them use their creativity. Ryan used the croquet mallets to make goggles, and then tried roller-skating on the deck. They love to swing in the hammock, play catch or volleyball or swing. Running around in the back yard uses up tons of energy and causes them to fade early and stay asleep longer.

Be sure to have tons of sun block and bug spray available. Even if the container claims that it is a waterproof sunscreen, liberally reapply it often. Be wary of ticks and mosquitoes. If possible, have the children wear hats. And don’t forget to cover yourself as well.

Little tables help the smaller ones sit down and eat their meal. So often today life is lived on the run, and families do not have as many opportunities to break bread together. Children need this experience on a regular basis. They need to practice the art of “dining”, even if it is with finger foods and in bathing suits. Talking with others at the table, asking for things to be passed, excusing oneself to leave the table, cleaning up after you are done, and waiting until everyone has finished the main meal before getting dessert are all a part of dining etiquette which children will not learn if they do not get to actually practice these table arts. It is also an ideal time to teach about recycling and composting.
And most of all, join in with them and just relax, chat them up, and have a jolly good time. You will remember these halcyon days for years and years, especially if you take pictures in the same settings over several years. How they love to see themselves progress!

Tip #29: Try to find a place to gather for summer outings where the extended family can be together. Playing with cousins and having aunts and uncles around to share in the eating, game playing and even discipline create lasting bonds and fond memories. Children feel a part of something larger when the group expands to include other relatives. Teach them polite manners and respect while they are having a good time playing and eating. Shared responsibility only reinforces that “it takes a whole village to raise a child”, only in this case the village is the extended family, led by you, the wise and wonderful grandparents!

Teaching How to Help Others

2008-07-05T21:38:00.000-04:00

Teaching How to Help Others

As adults, it is our responsibility to teach/model that we all need to help each other, and that we are all capable of doing so. The size and nature of the contributions do not matter nearly as much as the effort and intent. Children can help each other, but it is up to the adults to provide the means and motivation for them to do so.

Our daughter, Maribeth, and her co-worker, Kathi, along with the assistance of their husbands, Sean and Mike, recently co-facilitated the first in town PMC (Pan Mass Challenge) Kids Ride. It was an enormous undertaking and the two very green co-chairs did an amazing job of orchestrating, conducting and following through with this event. As a family, we helped in small ways, recruiting volunteers and riders, spreading the word, and being as supportive as we could from the sidelines.

Ari was away at camp, but the other 8 grandkids participated in the ride. Our son manned the medical tent, and our other daughter and her husband provided raffle items, hands-on assistance, and a lot of know-how. A dear family friend, a professional photographer, took the pictures. Many past and present staff members and former students from my school spent their free Sunday morning filling in registrations, decorating bikes, face painting, and most of all, cheering on the riders. We felt so blessed to have so many friends and extended family members enthusiastically join in the undertaking, and help to make it such a tremendous success.

The riders understood that the money being raised was going to be used to help fund research for kids with cancer. They rode with vigor and youthful joy, spurred on by the d.j. calling out their names over the pa system, and the adult volunteers yelling wildly on the sidelines. They had an official water station, but most barely slowed down long enough for a drink. They had a mission, and were determined to ride for the full hour to help children in need. It was not a race, so there was no competitive edge…..simply kids helping kids.

Afterwards, while munching on all the pizza they could possibly eat, it was unanimous: they would all return next year, and bring friends. They’d had such a good time, and the giant posters of the Cancer Institute’s pedal partners helped them put faces to the children they were helping. The sheer joy of the morning cannot be captured in words. The adult volunteers expressed gratitude for being included. And yes, there were moments……when our granddaughter, Emma, battling a stubborn brain tumor for the last five years, took the microphone and said, “ I am glad to all who are here to support me. Thank you!”, and then took a bow, there was hardly a dry eye on the street. Even the NH State Police bag pipers looked a bit misty. Some of the children riding had issues of their own, which they were able to surmount in order to take part in the ride. It was so incredibly heartwarming/breaking, and the end result is that these children all now how good it feels to be able to help others.

We are so very proud of our family for joining forces and finding so many different ways to try to help. Teaching their children to think of others, and to be willing to work towards helping them, show us all how to be better people. I think everyone left last Sunday feeling optimistic and inspired. I know I did. Thank you to all who joined us. Maybe someday soon a cure will be discovered……and other families will not have to live with the nightmare that is pediatric cancer.

Tip #28: You have to teach the children that they have the responsibility and capability of helping others, especially other children. You have to believe it, model it, and genuinely share in the joy that comes from giving. If you want the world to be a better place, you have to be part of the solution.....and our grandchildren will be the architects of our future!

Family Vacations

2008-06-27T21:38:00.000-04:00

Family Vacations

There are many things to consider when contemplating an extended family vacation. Such things as cost, duration, travel time, privacy, safety and compatibility with what you want out of the time are all important factors. The oft-repeated joke about the best thing about being grandparents is when they go home at night will not hold true if you are all staying together. How important is it to you that you have some time “away from the madding crowd” either during the day or, at least, at night? If you have to be on duty 24/7, will you enjoy yourself? Who else will be there?

We have been most fortunate in that two of my husband’s brothers co-own a “camp” in Maine, and have generously invited us to make use of it whenever it is available (that is, they are not having their own extended families there). Four years ago we started a tradition where Grammy and Grampa take Noah and Molly, then 4 and 6, to the camp for 3 days without the rest of their family. On the third day their Mom, Dad, and other siblings (now 3 of them!) come up for the night, and then we head home the next morning, leaving them to have the day to themselves. So far this seems to work. Often other family members are there with us: uncles, cousins, etc., so the kids have others to play with both in and out of the water.

Safety continues to be a chief concern. I sometimes have nightmares that something happens to one of the children while we are watching him/her…..could be at home, at the playground, or at the lake. I do not know how I would ever tell my own child that I’d somehow let one of his/her children get hurt. Even minor bumps and bruises kill me! So, short of never going anywhere or doing anything, we take reasonable precautions. I also do not want to make the kids paranoid, or convey my fears to them, thus making the skittish. We always wear life preservers in boats, on skidoos, and even on the dock until they become proficient swimmers. No children go in the water unless an adult is down at the water, or in the immediate vicinity. Roughhousing dangerously will get you time out of the water. The children seem to be able to live with these rules, and so we have been able to thoroughly enjoy our time there. This year Noah and Molly will be 10 and 8, and we may not have so many others there at the same time. Now that they are older and like to play board and card games, and love to read, I don’t think we’ll have any problem keeping occupied.

One activity which we will be cutting back on this year is riding around in the various boats and skidoo. With the astronomical price of gas, we will need to choose carefully. At least the paddleboat will be an option!

Many traditions are already established. We always make s’mores, have a night with sparklers, play endless games of Parcheesi, Sorry, and Rummikub, try our hand at badminton, and get all the wind-up toys U. Bob has collected going at once. When we first arrive they are chomping at the bit and want to do everything lickety split. Now that we know what to expect, it is easier for us to handle. We make sure they bring familiar nighttime pals, as it is often a bit scary to sleep in the loft on the first night. Because our bedroom is right underneath the loft, they know they can get to us easily. We leave a night light on, and I sometimes sit with them until they are drifting off, at least the first night. Although we know how much fun it is to be away from home, it is important to not be dismissive of their fears, which are very real to them. If you know their nighttime ritual, it will be comforting to them to have you follow it. And expect them to be up bright and early the next day!

Tip #27: Family vacations establish bonds, create memories, and provide a very special time for you and your grandchildren. Choose carefully what you do with them, and think about your role long before you propose anything. There are many travel companies which offer grandparent/grandchildren trips (Elderhostel is one), so if you don’t have a family place you can go to, you might want to plan a trip. Take them to a nearby city and spend the day being a tourist, or pack a picnic and go to a nearby park or zoon. Day outings can be a blast! My one caveat is that you picture yourself in whatever setting you are proposing and run a video tape through your head, trying to view yourself there. Happy trails to you!

Things Money Just Can't Buy...or Shouldn't

2008-06-20T21:38:00.010-04:00

Things Money Just Can’t Buy…..or Shouldn’t

The temptation to spoil, to indulge, to gift…whatever you want to call it, is often overwhelming. Because we see most of our grandchildren regularly, we know a lot about the things in which they take great delight. We know which books/authors they like, the music they enjoy, the toys that interest them, even, for some, the type of clothing that appeals to them If I am in a store and just happen to drift to the toy section or the children’s clothing area, it is almost impossible for me to pull myself away without buying. Of course, the next problem is that there are now 9 of them, so even the smallest of trinkets gets expensive when multiplied by 9. Plus we are now on a somewhat fixed income (both of us have small part time jobs which will help us save for traveling but not much else), and so we need to be more mindful of how we spend than we have had to be for the last few years when we were both working and our own children were on their own. One other small factor is that they all have more “stuff” than anyone could use in a lifetime! So what is a grandparent to do????

I cannot stress often or strongly enough that the greatest gift we give is that of TIME. Not only the time we spend with them, listening to their stories (though I absolutely refuse to listen to recaps of TV shows or video game plots), reading with them, teaching them how to play board games, etc., but also attending their events, such as sporting games, recitals, open house, etc. They call us on the phone to share exciting news about report cards, or ask questions about projects, or make a play date. Soon we will take our fourth annual trek to “camp” with two of them, a tradition started when their twin brothers were not yet one and it seemed a perfect way to give Mom a break for a few days. Now the twins will be 5 in Aug., and Jack is one, so they will join us at the lake for at least one night. Still, we have this small pocket in time that is just for the four of us, filled with traditions, always eager to see what this year’s visit will bring. We are most fortunate in that Grampa’s two brothers, who own the camp, most generously have an open door policy and will not accept payment. Grampa helps earn our time there by opening and closing the camp and doing repairs and refurbishments while there. This year we will have to curtail the amount of time spent using the water toys: skidoo, powerboat and houseboat because of the astronomical price of gas. Our daughter and son-in-law will help by explaining this to the kids before we go, helping them to understand that these things cost money and so we must make choices. Our attitude in the past has been cavalier, and we pretty much went out in the lake whenever the spirit moved us. Time to rein it in!

For Noah’s 10th birthday I had him explore the Star Wars things he loves online and make me a list, with a $50 maximum, which he did, giving me a wide range. Then I thought about how he might enjoy picking it out himself, and that doing so would eliminate the possibility of my getting the wrong thing. So we gave him a gift card to the store that carries them. Now I am thinking that in the future I will give the birthday girl or boy the actual money, and tell him/her to use it to either buy whatever it is that is wanted, or save it for a trip or clothes or whatever, but the choice will be up to him or her. Perhaps this will foster more careful attention to the value of the money, and maybe I will offer to take them shopping, if they decide that’s what they want to do. I fear that too often today we do not take the time to teach them how to get the most out of a dollar. Instant gratification seems to be rampant. I do not want to sound like one of those old cronies croaking, “This younger generation doesn’t know what it is like to scrimp and save…” Ok, so if they don’t, how come? Who didn’t do their job? How come so many young people today do not know how to establish a budget, delay buying something until it looks like you might possibly be able to pay for it, or even do without if it is not affordable? I think this is something we as grandparents can help with as long as we do not appear to be critical and negative.

A new friend of mine recently explained that when her own children were old enough to understand, she created a notebook in which each child had his/her own page. Each child received $1,000/year for a clothing allowance. (It could be whatever you could afford). This did not include underwear, socks, or two pair of shoes….one of which were sneakers. Each time a purchase was made, it was recorded and deducted. When the balance reached zero, the buying was over for that year. She said it took tears, frustration, and even the gnashing of teeth, but eventually each began to both shop and choose more wisely, even leaving a cushion for the unanticipated. It is just one small way to help children learn from early on how to get what they want without sinking into debt. We as grandparents can help too.

Another thing I was doing and need to reinstitute, is purchasing savings bonds as gifts. You need the child’s social security number to do so, and you can pick up the forms at a local bank. They make a great gift because they double in seven years, and they provide a nest egg for the future. When I was giving them, I also tried to get something relatively inexpensive to be opened for the occasion, but as they grow older I hope they will appreciate the bond for itself. I remember when we were setting up our first home, my husband had several of these accumulated over many years from two maiden aunts, and they truly furnished our first living and dining rooms.

The gift of a piggy bank, especially a see-through one, is a motivating first or second birthday choice. Children can be encouraged to do jobs both at home and at grandparents’ for which a set fee is negotiated ahead of time. I do not mean things like helping to set the table or pick up branches in the yard, as these are things which are expected, and certainly they do not merit pay. Perhaps they could help weed, or wash windows or vehicles (too much fun!), or give foot massages…Add comments here to suggest other things as well. It is our responsibility as parents and grandparents to instruct our children and grandchildren in money matters.

Now we scan the newspaper for things to do that have no or minimal cost. Tomorrow we may visit the sand sculptures at the beach, and maybe get an ice cream, or fried dough, or whatever one thing each may choose. Local theater groups have discounted performances for dress rehearsals. The playgrounds and beaches cost nothing. Unfortunately, going to the movies or the zoo has become quite expensive, so we no longer do much of that. A local gym recently gave out passes for free bowling, and we often find coupons online for things like miniature golf.

Some things are worth every penny we spend on them, such as this muffin about to make its way into Owen’s mouth. I am not perfect, and do slip occasionally, and just have to buy something….but I try to save it for a special occasion, or create an excuse for why I bought it. Rationalization is one of my stronger talents!

Tip #26: Try to behave responsibly when it comes to giving “things” to your grandchildren. We adults need to model for them how to live within our means and not indulge every whim simply because we want something. We need to encourage fiscal responsibility, and motivate them to save for a rainy day. But mostly we need to choose wisely ourselves, so that our gifts, whatever they may be, are lasting.

By the Sea, By the Sea, By the Beautiful Sea

2008-06-11T19:00:00.003-04:00

By the Sea, By the Sea, By the Beautiful Sea……

We are so fortunate to live less than a mile from the ocean, and so can use it as a backyard playground. Our own children grew up spending countless hours playing in the sand, jumping in the waves, and crawling among the rocks in search of sea treasure. Because of our proximity, we have not been keen on spending entire days there, though we often encounter families who do. One of the first things we look for, short or long term, is the location of the nearest bathrooms. No matter if the children use the potty just as you are ready to pull out of the driveway…..I guarantee that it will be only a matter of minutes before one announces, “I gotto go!” desperately, and it is contagious. The easiest way to solve it is to be sure a bathroom is within walking distance. However, if you are the only adult with more than one child, logistics become a problem. Look around and try to find another family who will understand your predicament and agree to keep an eye on your belongings, and maybe even older children. Trust your own comfort level on this one! Unless I know the people, I just can’t leave the kids with a stranger, but I do entrust our “stuff” to them, and have not regretted it yet. If you have little males with you, you could bring a “pee bottle”, easily disguised, and discretely have them use it while sitting on a towel or blanket. I suppose if you have a large towel, or umbrella, you could rig something for the females, too. The older they get, the less likely they will be to try this…..

Fancy toys are not necessary. You do need shovels or those hand diggers, which I always buy at half price at the end of the summer season and stash away for the next year. That’s about it. We use various sizes of plastic container, such as from Cool Whip and dips, a few large pails, sometimes some figures from things like the Fisher Price Farm or doll house (to populate the sand castle), a few trucks/cars/plastic vehicles…..all of which can be purchased very cheaply at yard sales, but be sure to boil in hot water before the children play with them as you have no idea where they have been. Chuck, the grandfather, will bury the kids up to their waists, and then design around them: mermaids, cars, etc. They love to have pictures of them like this, and then they love to “unbury” themselves. They build elaborate sand castles, dig deep holes which they amuse themselves for long periods of time trying to fill up with water. They dig trenches down to the ocean and let the tide fill them in. Of course, you can also bring Frisbees and tennis balls and even badminton rackets and birdies, but they present other problems (like watching out for those around you!).

Some other necessities are sun block, applied and reapplied liberally, even if the container says it is waterproof, hats, sunglasses, towels, baby powder (put on sandy feet while sitting on the blanket and the sand will wipe right off….much more practical and efficient than trying to hop on one foot while rinsing the other in the waves or even the tide pool!). Be sure to have wet wipes, insect repellant, band-aids, and a water bottle to be used for washing purposes. You will need juice boxes and finger foods for snacks. Fruit, pretzels, cut up carrots and celery with ranch dressing for a dip, granola bars, almost anything that can be managed in the fingers. Paper plates are not easily managed, and if there is the usual breeze, disaster occurs routinely…..all of a sudden the whole lunch has blown over into the sand….creating true “sand whiches”! Bring tissues and your camera and something for the trash. Try to compact all of this into a single bag for ease of maneuvering. You will need an old blanket or comforter about which you do not care to spread as your base. Try to keep your stuff in one central location, and even if they are constructing at a site some distance away, try to keep returning their tools to the central area.

When you go down to the water you need to be vigilant. At different ages and stages, children will be afraid, excited, maybe even foolish (we had one who just kept on walking, even when the water was up to his neck; we think he was heading for China!). A child who is intimidated by the sound or force of the incoming surf may suddenly be adventuresome and you were complacently thinking he/she would not go beyond the very edge! Some beaches allow boogie boards, and they can be fun as long as the child stays in the general vicinity. It is easy to wander as you are riding the waves, so you need to keep a close eye on the surfer. If you have more than one adult, obviously it is much easier, but it is possible to go and have a good time and stay safe even if you are alone…..well, depending on the number of children, naturally. Kids almost always gravitate towards other kids, too….which can be fine or a challenge.

Have a plan for how you are going to get rid of the pounds of sand they carry home with them, in spite of your best efforts. We use both a hose and sprinkler to rinse off the bulk of the sand before entering the house. This can occupy up to a half hour of "fun in the sun" too!

It is a delightful way to create memories and spend summer time with your grandchildren. Crawling midst the rocks to look for starfish, crabs, and other such sea spawn can occupy hours. Do not plan on doing any beach reading while the grandkids are with you, but you will create lasting memories that are far better.

Tip #25: Going to the beach with your grandchildren is a wonderful way to spend a few lazy, hazy summer hours. The trick is in the preparation and organization. Pack a beach bag or tub into which you place essential beach ingredients (see above) and have it ready to go at all times. Check the weather forecast before setting out so you avoid having to scramble as the dark clouds roll in shortly after you’ve wended your way with all your paraphernalia to a prime spot…..and don’t forget to check on the tides so you don’t just get settled and have to move everything! Above all, dedicate yourself to total vigilance, and get down on your hands and knees and dig along with them. Giving yourself over to the moment, to the situation, will make it all the more pleasant for everyone. Enjoy!

On Bumps, Bruises and Other Minor Ailments

2008-06-04T13:59:00.002-04:00

On Bumps, Bruises and Other Minor Ailments

First of all, I apologize for being absent for so long. All I can say is that life has been “too much with us” recently. Although it is all good, it has been frenetic. The children had dance recital, open house, Grandparents’ Day, and Sunday school finale. Two of them stayed with us for several days while their parents went to a wedding in CO. If you are regularly involved in their lives, you can expect that there will be times when things sort of spin out of control, I guess. One reason why I’ve been thinking about injuries and ailments is that because Ari and Megan were staying with us, we needed a note granting permission for medical treatment, and their insurance cards. Be sure to secure written permission for medical treatment if you are the caretakers and parents have to travel some distance to get to you. Even an hour can be critical. Funny how I only think of it when they are going on a “trip”; it occurs to me as I write this that there have been many times when they might not have been able to get here rapidly. Hmmm. Also be sure you have phone #s, and that they will be accessible. Our son and daughter-in-law were on a ranch with no cell phone signals available, and not often in the cabin where they were staying, and there was no way to leave a message…..fortunately, we did not need them, but it all made me keenly aware of things I’d neglected to establish in an emergency. Because we had the medical permission and insurance cards, I was not panicking over it all.

We keep a ready supply of things like Benadryl (for black fly bites and other things needing immediate attention), antiseptic wipes/ointment and character Band-Aids for minor cuts and bruises, children’s Motrin (generic is fine and far less costly…..it comes in both chewable and liquid form), ice pack, children’s bug spray and sun block, poison ivy lotion, sun burn cream, and tweezers. Best to check expiration dates because when things don’t get used routinely, they can sit for a long time and lose their effectiveness.

Since Emma fell on the driveway getting onto her bike, I no longer let them out of the garage without helmets. She had a giant bump on her noggin, and scared the daylights out of me. The old “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is my motto these days. However, you cannot prevent all accidents, and there will be bumps and scrapes and cuts and bruises along the way. If you keep them overnight, occasionally someone is going to develop a sore throat, a cough, a headache or stomach upset. It is not your fault, but you will have to deal with it. Recently when we traveled to Florida with five of them and their parents, and two stayed with us, Noah vomited twice in one night, and we (he and I) were slipping in it in our bare feet in the condo kitchen. Obviously he had not made it to the bathroom! I really hate it when one of them gets injured “on my watch”, but I realize it is inevitable, and I also know that I will just deal with it. After the traumatic incident has passed to a memory, I often feel a little shaky, thinking about “what might have been….”. I am fairly certain I can deal with events as they unfold, to hold steady in the moment, even if I crash afterwards. Remember now that the operative word here is “minor”. Perhaps at some later time I will be able to converse about the “major” stuff, but I am not ready yet.

Because health and nutrition are foremost in all of our minds these days, we try (though not hard enough) to not use food as comfort or treatment for aches and pains. It is very difficult to not offer a lollipop or jellybeans or whatever to help a child stop crying, or distract the child from focus on the injury, chiefly because these remedies are almost foolproof. Somehow it is simply instinctive with me/us. I know that redirecting attention is a great strategy, and really doesn’t require a lot. You just need to find something more enticing than the attention being lavished because of the accident or illness.

If the children are with us and not feeling well, we revert to those things that made us feel better as children: cheesy toast sticks (bread that has been lightly spread with any form of butter and then sprinkled with Kraft orange grated cheese, and then place under the broiler until crispy, and then cut into “strips” for easy handling), ginger ale or flattened coca cola, tea in a grownup cup with sugar and lemon, chicken noodle soup, Jell-O, ice cream, popsicles…..well, you get the idea. Think of the many ways in which you were treated when you were sick, and I bet most of them still work today! There are so many restrictions re: medications (such as cough syrup, aspirin, etc.), that you need to have conversations about these things with your children periodically so you don’t inadvertently administer a newly-forbidden otc drug and perhaps even do some damage.

If a child has a larger injury, such as a broken bone, it is fun to choose a doll or stuffed animal and apply a sling or cast or brace so they can be “twins”. I know that Vermont Teddy Bear Co. will create a teddy bear for you with identical injury (ies), but it is a very expensive proposition, and the familiar stuffed animals from home can work just as easily and less costly. You can strategically place a bandage or elastic bandage on a familiar doll, or even on yourself! It is amazing how well these things work. If you are the babysitters for children who are missing school, best to follow the protocol for “sick days” as prescribed by the parents. Our own children rarely missed school because 1) they had to be visibly, tangibly ill before one of us would relent and take the day off and 2) if they stayed home, they stayed in bed or on the couch, did not get up and run around even if they were miraculously cured midday and 3) either read a book or did school work and did not get to watch tv. Of course, this was in the pre-technology dark days when there were not a zillion channels from which to choose, nor even VCRs or DVDs, so the choices were limited. Children who discover fun when they stay home sick will be much more apt to be sick.

Most areas today have some type of on-call medical center where parents do not have to either suffer through an entire weekend with an ailing child or go to the costly ED where you endure an endless wait. When each of our children had their first child, we would get phone calls asking for advice re: ear aches, fevers, rashes, etc. Once they’ve been through it all with the first child, they become fairly independent, and I end up calling them for advice if we have some staying with us. Whatever works is my motto!

I cannot seem to find any pictures of the myriad injuries the children have had over the last ten years, but will add them should I locate them. Please, please be sure to comment if you have suggestions befitting this topic. I know it is of interest and concern to all grandparents!

Tip #24: No matter how careful or how prepared you are, accidents and illnesses will happen. Be prepared ahead of time by having some basics in your house/car, and having written permission to act in the child’s medical behalf if the parents cannot be readily reached. Know that you are a competent, intelligent human being who can deal with this stuff if need be. Rely on instinct, and the memories of what worked with your own children and even you! Attention and hugs are two very effective treatments, so use them liberally. Forewarned is forearmed, so do everything you can think of preventively, and then just go with the flow. If you are always cautioning about everything, the children will either prefer to just sit and do nothing, or will become anxious and fearful. Every bump and scar gives them a story to tell!

More ways to have fun.....

2008-05-17T12:30:00.001-04:00

More Ways to Have Fun…..

I am constantly on the lookout, or in a state of heightened awareness, when the children are going to be with me for any length of time, and we have nothing planned. Usually I learn from them what will entertain them and not lead to the expectation that every time they visit we will be doing something that costs money. One day Owen entertained himself for quite awhile just looking in the full length mirror on the back of the living room closet door. Now we have long mirrors both up and downstairs so they can prance and mimic as much as they want. These are particularly helpful during dress up and plays.

The exersaucer has been around since the first grandchild arrived. However, I did hear a pediatrician declaim about them on NPR. He said that until he had his own first child, he did not realize that there were different models, from bare bones to all the bells and whistles. He now believes that the fewer things on it the better; the ones with all the stuff foster distractibility, and contribute to ADD or ADHD or maybe both. We certainly do not want to be responsible for that, so we try to keep that in mind when acquiring equipment for the kids.

They loved the batons, and used them for parades, twirling, riding on like horses, and all kinds of props during their performances. Bubbles also come in handy, and I am on the lookout for those giant wands that make the really big bubbles you can chase. So far I have found them only in kits which are way more money than I want to spend.

Two chairs pushed together make a great rocket ship. Draping a large blanket or tablecloth over the dining room table makes an instant fort or hiding place. We use the flagstones outside for hopscotch. When we are out and about we find things like this silly train cut out and take pictures to entertain ourselves later on.

The Sit ‘n Spin has been around for years, and the kids have found various uses for it. Emma is shown here using it as it was designed, but the others have improvised, and no one has been more than scratched or bumped so far! They have amazing imaginations, and just by observing them I have added a ton of things to my “how will we amuse ourselves today” repertoire.

Although on occasion we do go places (the zoo, miniature golfing, the Children’s Museum, etc.) that do cost money (and I plan to write about those in the near future), with 9 of them and the two of us now retired, we cannot do these things too often, which is why I seek free or inexpensive ways to have fun when we are together.

I am hopeful that many of you out there reading this will add more by clicking on the comment icon and sharing yours so we accumulate quite a treasury of activities. Two heads are better than one!

Tip #23: You do not have to spend money to have fun and provide entertainment when your grandchildren visit. Of course there are the usual coloring books, card games, board games, etc., but with a little creativity and sharply honed observation skills, you can have a veritable trunk load of things to do at your fingertips. These then become a part of the history of visiting your home, and you will not find yourself dipping into your savings to provide amusement…….nor will you create the expectation that costly visits outside your home will take place each time.

And we'll have fun, fun, fun......

2008-05-09T15:12:00.000-04:00

And we’ll have fun, fun, fun……

We could spend a whole lot of money in a very short time if we didn’t use the resources available to us in our own and neighboring towns. On the weekends, the schoolyards are virtually empty. There are two elementary and one middle school in our town, and an elementary school in the next town (where I taught 8th grade for almost three decades!). Aside from the playground equipment (pictured on the playground blog a while ago), there are many other ways to use the area.

Rolling down hills small and large is a great physically liberating activity. Probably it is not a good idea to suggest this if the children are garbed in white, or clothing that must be preserved at all costs. Most of the dirt and grass stains will wash right out (I always have a Tide laundry stick in the glove compartment, just in case), and the kids just love it and will do it for as long as you let them. You might want to scan the area for broken limbs or big rocks or even glass shards beforehand, but so far it has not been a problem for us.

There is a grotto area with large rocks which they love to climb. I have held my breath on more than one occasion, but, again, the kids love the thrill of the climb, and even play hide ‘n seek once up there. I stay right with them, and discourage outrageous risk taking. Some of their favorite pictures originated in this area; they love to show their friends how brave and strong they were, scaling these monster rocks.

I always carry first aid necessities (bacterial spray, bandages, wipes, after bite for bug bites, tweezers, etc.) in addition to the preventative things like bug spray and sun block. If you can pick up various sizes of cheap sweatshirts at a bargain store to keep on hand, you will have a backup for wet or soiled clothing.

The playing fields are well maintained, and there is lots of room to throw Frisbees, bat a ball, practice kicking into the net, and a host of other things. Keeping a laundry basket in the car (or in the garage or basement to put in the car whenever you venture out with the grandchildren) means that you will always have equipment on hand for whatever you decide to do.

Once we returned home we got out the sidewalk chalk and riding toys. Owen really looks like he is strong enough to pull the red wagon, even though they outweigh him 3-1! Kids switch on and off the various riding toys as we go along. I now need to go scavenging for some larger helmets and bikes without training wheels to keep handy. We review safety rules before we head out, and hold strictly to the rule that if you don’t follow the rules and/or listen to the person taking you around, you get to sit out the next journey.

It is a wise idea to talk with their parents ahead of time to find out what parameters they have established for these activities, particularly bike riding, before you set out. Although children can adapt to differing sets of rules, you will have a much better chance of success if you try to incorporate what they already know into whatever you are setting up for guidelines. The trick is to stick to it, and not forget or be wheedled out of it the next time. I totally believe in indulging them……to a point. Safety is not an issue to be negotiated, and we work very hard to follow through on whatever it is we’ve said. I am not comfortable (ok, confession here….it makes me giggle) with the whole 1,2,3 strikes you’re out disciplinary mode, but it can be mutated to fit your needs and not seem totally foreign. One of our daughters has the child put “nose to the wall”, an upgraded time-out punishment, and it seems to be quite effective. For some reason, her children view this as a more serious punishment, and usually all she has to do is threaten it for the behaviors to change. I am a huge proponent of anything reasonable that works!

Take a drive (or walk, or bike ride, especially if gas is increasing as rapidly where you are as it is here!) around your geographic area and see what might be available for outings with your grandchildren. With a little ingenuity and creativity, you do not need to spend oodles of money on entertaining them, and still have a great day. The busier they are, the fewer problems you will have!

Tip #22: Your town can provide many opportunities for fun ways to spend the time when your grandchildren are visiting. Do some preliminary scouting so you will be prepared in advance and can plan accordingly. If you have a short visit, only try to do one or two things. If the children will be with you for an overnight or longer, spread out your use of these resources so that you will have new things to do every day. You may find that your tax dollar at work benefits you even though your own children have moved on!

And Happy Mother's Day!

All the World's a Stage

2008-04-25T21:15:00.001-04:00

All the World’s a Stage…..

One of our more in-demand roles is that of audience. Sometimes it is just in our house, when they have put together a skit or a “routine” using costumes and microphones and dance moves we had no idea they knew how to execute. They love to announce their acts, and take bows, and we applaud appreciatively and with gusto, whatever the caliber.
Sometimes we venture to their venues to see them perform. Recently I went to my first karate tournament, and got there in time to watch Noah, almost 10, grapple. Since he had weighed in at one pound into the next weight class, he was a novice in this group, and his mother was skeptical of his chances. When his name was called and his opponent came to the mat, we gasped as he had been paired with King Kong! No kidding, this boy had to have been a full foot taller and 20-30 pounds heavier, and had the aura of one who knows not defeat. Noah astounded us by being the first to attack, and he even got the kid to the mat before being “submitted” in a chokehold. I found I’d been holding my breath the entire time, and was so glad it was over that I loudly exhaled. Since two of his younger siblings were getting restless by then, I gallantly offered to take them to their home and feed them while the rest of the family stayed for Noah’s remaining events. Phew.
Molly was the first to take dance lessons, and the next year she was joined by her brother, Ryan, and her cousin, Megan. Emma lives in a different area, and so her recital was a separate event. Last year it was Molly and Ryan who entertained a whole gaggle of us at the recital. The cousins love to see each other on stage, and delight in bringing flowers to the performers. Depending on what day and what time of day the recital is held, we combine it with either a meal or ice cream to make it more festive. It is great fun for everyone when we go to something as a group to watch other family members perform.
Arianna, the oldest of the children, has been in two school plays, and we have attended both, clapping enthusiastically and bringing flowers as a tribute for her hard work. We have attended kindergarten graduations for Molly and Emma, Christmas pageant at church for Noah, Molly, Ryan and Ian, a bridal show in which Emma was the model flower girl, a Thanksgiving feast, young authors’ sharing, baseball and flag football games….. and we know there are many more to come.
We try to be judicious in what we say “yes” to; at first we felt duty-bound to go to everything, but not anymore. For one thing, with 9 grandchildren, there are just way too many things happening to expect to attend them all. For another, some of them simply do not interest me/us. I never want to go on another school field trip again if I can help it. Because I taught for 36 years, I definitely had my fill. So I decline. Some school performances should be only for the parents; the rooms are crowded, stuffy, and airless, and we think that the parents feel so badly about all of it (how it is impacting us) that it just makes it easier if we stay home. Certainly we will endure less than great conditions if it is truly an important event, but not for every school function that comes along. And that is the true beauty of grand parenting: we don’t have to do it all!

Tip #21: Give yourself a break! Cut yourselves some slack! You have earned the privilege of not having to go to everything in which your grandchild participates; that is, after all, the parents’ obligation. Pick and choose those things you think are the most important, and/or that you would most enjoy. Take lots of pictures, praise lavishly but not hyperbolically, and always find a way to insinuate food into the equation. Perhaps offering to baby-sit for siblings who might be disruptive if they were forced to attend might be a way to compromise, if you are feeling guilty. Above all, foster whatever talents they display, but let them perform for you whenever the spirit moves them. You will remember these moments long after the spotlight fades…..

Spring is.....well, springing!

2008-04-19T06:32:00.001-04:00

Spring is….well, springing!

T.S. Eliot said, "April is the cruelest month”, and before I had grandchildren, I heartily agreed with him. It held the promise of milder temperatures and relief from the dull gray skies and withered brown limbs, yet rarely delivered. Mostly it meant mud season, chilly winds, and the tease of that rare day in which the sun heated us up just enough to reclaim a memory of warmth.

However, now that I have grandkids who have been caged all winter, spring brings release and hope and pure joy because of all the things to do, or revisit, or explore, or try for the first time. A walk around the neighborhood can take two hours as we stop to listen to the water gushing through the storm drains, or ride bikes or the wagon to our neighbor, Traudi’s, fabulous yard. She instructs them on how the birds use the houses she has perched and suspended everywhere. They see the shoots just beginning in the flower beds, and observe her preparations for planting her vegetable garden, which they will visit several more times as it grows and produces. From her they learn how delicious raw peas are, and how exciting it is to see a cucumber or a squash emerging under the vines. It amazes them (and me, too!) that every spring the birds return, and the seeds they help plant actually materialize into tomatoes and green beans and carrots.

Once again we break out some of our favorite things to do: bubbles, sidewalk chalk, bike riding and butterfly chasing. Everyone pitches in to help remove the debris that has accumulated over the winter. The children love to be included in the work party, and being apprenticed to this task will help them when they have homes of their own. They can rake and drag and shovel and spread mulch. We take breaks to play tag, or….. one of our very favorite activities, splash in the puddles left by those April showers. The lilac bushes need to be examined for buds, and we practice saying “forsythia” until we get it reasonably correct. There are many children’s poems about spring, and Shel Silverstein in particular has a host of them.

The sheer joy of being outdoors, experiencing freedom of movement after a season of containment, is contagious. Some days we still need winter jackets and gloves, while others allow us to revert to shirtsleeves…no matter. We play catch, badminton, tag, Hide ‘n Seek, and listen to the peepers. The cycle renews itself, and the older children indoctrinate the younger ones in experiencing mother’s nature’s renewal of their physical world, while we constantly point out and discuss what we are seeing, hearing, smelling and even tasting. Our spirits lift to the sky, and we eagerly await what we know is coming……

Tip #20: Get outside. Take the time to ever so slowly look around you, and even get down close to the ground to take note of what is happening. Stop to check out the worms and other crawly things. Neighbors won’t mind if you carefully look at their yards, and some will even come out to chat with you and the kids. It is the taking of the time to do these things that is so critically important….. and don’t forget the camera, too!

Quick Comment

2008-04-15T18:42:00.000-04:00

Reminder:

Just wanted to thank whomever the anonymous commenters are, and to urge all blog readers to click on the comments listed at the end of each post. Valuable tips are being written by other readers, and I hope you all are aware of them. I also hope that many more of you will feel free to add your strategies, tips, suggestions, and advice, whether you identify yourself or not. My intent all along was to get the ball rolling and hope that many more of you seasoned grandparents would chime in on the different topics. Also, if there is a topic you would like addressed, please do not hesitate to ask.

On the top lefthand corner of the blog is a link called "Atlantic Avenue". This is written by a talented writer whom I first met in the role of parent of one of my most delightful students. Try accessing her as I think you will find her writing on many and varied topics quite literate and incredibly entertaining.

I hope to get into a pattern of posting regularly each week, but I beg your indulgence as I try to stabilize my life into something more predictable.....or not!

You Say It's Your Birthday......

2008-04-12T18:02:00.000-04:00

You Say It’s Your Birthday……

Let me just say up front that I love birthdays, and not just my own (though I am growing a tad less fond of mine as I enter the nether realms of age….). It is the one day of the year that is entirely your own. You need marching bands, balloons, favors, and the people you love most to celebrate with you. You need birthday traditions, so each child knows what he/she is entitled to as the reigning birthday queen or king, and has certain things to look forward to each year.

For example, on your birthday in our family you get to choose your birthday meal, soup (no child ever chooses soup!) to nuts, and almost no holds barred. Owen turned five recently, and he selected cheese pizza, garden and fruit salad, garlic bread (probably the only time bread and pizza would be served together), cupcakes, and two kinds of ice cream. Yes, you may have some of both if you cannot make up your mind. Next week is Molly’s birthday, and she shared that she is opting for spaghetti and meatballs, garlic bread, cooked carrots, but did not mention dessert yet. Oh, and this meal selection holds true for the grownups as well. In addition to the version of “Happy Birthday” that ends each line with “cha, cha, cha” and booty shaking, you also get to pick whether you want the operatic, heavy metal, country western or traditional rendition sung to you by your guests.

Noah’s first birthday was an exercise in excess. We were all just plain nuts. I don’t remember how many people attended, or how many presents he received, but it was definitely over the top. I am pleased to say that sanity now prevails. Mostly the children have a venue party with a few guests their own age, often not on their actual birthday because of school. I know they have done bowling, Chucky Cheese, an arcade place now out of business, kids’ gym, karate, and (present favorite) a place called Jump Right In! which has those contraptions filled with balls into which the children jump. Most of these places provide cake, paper goods, and maybe even drinks, and then you leave the mess and go home. We are not expected to attend these events, for which we are most grateful. Typically we have a quiet dinner with the guest of honor. Since Ari’s birthday is on Halloween, the kids come early, have dinner with her, and then they all go out Trick or Treating in our neighborhood….kind of like double dipping!

Molly and Noah each sent out invitations that said, “No presents for me, please, but here is a list of things needed by David’s House (a place akin to the Ronald McDonald House where families of children needing treatment at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center can stay for whatever they can afford to pay) and had their guests provide those items if they wanted to bring something. As you can see by the picture, they got quite a haul, and then took a field trip to see the house and where their gifts were going. They still got gifts from family, but they had so much already that their parents thought this was a way to get them started thinking of others and sharing their good fortune.

We have had piñatas; some filled with toys, some with candy, and you pull ribbons rather than bash it with sticks. One tablecloth was actually a drawing pad, and the kids used the crayons to color on it while eating and waiting for the grand finale. The kids love pin the tale on the donkey, but do it with two sided tape rather than pins. They also love crowns and sitting at the head of the table.

Sometimes we get dressed up for the celebrations. Think about the investment in Halloween costumes that get worn only one day each year. How about wearing them to the birthday party? Pick a theme, or come as you are, or have a box of costumes there for the kids to don after they arrive. This will definitely liven things up a bit, and make it all a bit more interesting!

Now that we are grandparents, we are more concerned with our gifts being meaningful, having some relevance. Many children have savings accounts, or even special accounts into which you can deposit money and it will not impact taxes. Savings bonds are still a decent idea. Magazine subscriptions bring a gift to the door 12 months of the year. Check out National Geographic Little Kids and then graduate to Kids. Cobblestone and Cricket, American Girl, Ranger Rick and Nickelodeon all have publications. I buy clothes at the end of the season, so now for Molly I have summer things I bought last August at a fraction of their cost if I was to go to the store today. Marshall’s and TJ Maxx continue to carry very “cool” clothing, desirable designer and brand names, good quality, but yet reasonable. Gift cards to bookstores also make a great gift, since it is hard to know what books/puzzles they already have. Webkinz have been top of the list for a while now, but, again, unless you get a specific assignment (Owen wanted a turtle), it is hard not to replicate. We have worked hard for our discretionary funds and do not wish to waste them on foolishness or more “stuff” to add to the clutter. We discuss options both with the parents and the children. Then we do what we want. We are the grandparents.

Tip #19: Make birthdays extra special by making a big deal out of them, though that does not necessarily mean spending a lot of money. Make sure you send a card in the mail as children love receiving post. If you can find a way to teach them to share their good fortune, all the better. Join in the celebration and help to make them feel they are VIPs for the day. Take tons of pictures, and don’t spare the hugs. Birthdays offer the opportunity to do what we do best: indulge ‘em!

Food, Glorious Food!

2008-04-02T16:02:00.020-04:00

Food, Glorious Food!

Almost everything we do involves food……always has, always will. There must be a genetic component, and our poor children got it from both our sides. We could fight it, but what’s the point? We try to advocate for healthy choices, but what is camp without multi colored fruit pancakes (aka M & Ms), or s’mores with toasted marshmallows? What is the mountain house (timeshare in Feb.) without the ice bucket full of candy, and the snack cabinet filled to bursting? Going to visit our new cousin, Owen? Why not sit on the bed admiring him and chomping on chips? Noah is even gallantly offering them to Emma first!
Of course, summertime is filled with many trips to the ice cream stores, and none is better (or bigger!) than the one in Maine on the way home from camp….. it almost makes the leaving bearable! Everyone loves the cones at Grammy’s and Grampy’s, even though they don’t realize they are our Weight Watcher's treats! The children have breakfast rituals when they sleep over, among which is stealing Grampa’s banana! Sometimes we just grab an old blanket and spread out in the back yard to make ordinary food more exciting. Sometimes we eat on the boat, and sometimes we all sit together at the table.
In our family, just about all of the men cook, and I don’t mean only on the grill (although one or two do restrict themselves to that mode!). Noah, almost 10, recently became quite interested in cooking, and has now made several things which have mostly been successful and big hits. For Christmas he received both cookbooks and an apron. When the kids visit, they often help with baking and, more recently, in food prep. Even the littlest ones can help make Jello or brownies, and licking the bowl provides the quintessential photo opportunity! Finally they are old enough to start peeling and cutting, filling salt and pepper shakers, setting the table and pouring drinks. Every time they are involved, chaos and discontent vanish. They love being a part of the whole production.
Yes, we keep stashes of certain foods in the house for when they visit, especially when they are going through finicky phases, or staying for an overnight. For the most part they eat what we eat, but what would a grandparents’ house be without mac ‘n cheese, hot dogs, and bagel bites? And sometimes, you just feel like a devil dog you know…..
When we offer choices, it is almost always limited to two—none of this smorgasbord of main entrees which overwhelms and ultimately defeats them because they just can’t decide. So, tuna or hot dogs? Juice or milk? Carrots or string beans? Wheat bread or a roll? Cereal or eggs? You are still building decision-making skills, but let’s get a grip on how many selections a four year old really needs to hone the skill! When we are having something they haven’t tried before, we always encourage a “no thank you” serving. Grampa tells them that as they grow, their taste changes, as in toys and books and bedtime friends, and so do their taste buds. For some reason, this logic seems to work, and most of them will try the beets or parsnips or roast pork they eschewed upon first offering. Many times they refuse additional samplings, but Grampa just tells them to come back about every 6 months and try again!
One thing one of our daughters has done is to discourage saying, “I hate broccoli, or milk, or whatever, as it sounds so drastically negative and makes you look like you have a very closed mind. She has taught her kids to say, “I am not a fan of tomatoes, or brussel sprouts, or mashed potatoes….” . It makes the whole exchange so much more pleasant.
We do keep a candy dish, on the counter but out of reach of most of them. Yet they know it is there, and we often observe them checking it out shortly after arriving. We think they are deciding whether they want to try to negotiate for a sample or not, and chuckle at how adept they are becoming in getting what they want (or so we let them think!).

Tip #18: As grandparents, you are no longer charged with setting good eating habits. Sure, you should be some kind of role model, and not spend your time with them eating bonbons and sipping caloric libations, but come on! What good is it if you don’t get to indulge them when it comes to food? Around what are your own memories of being with your grandparents centered? Both of my sets of grandparents were perfectly awful in the culinary department (one boiled everything that made its way to the table, and the other believed that “brown was cooked, but black was done!”, and yet I remember meals at their homes with great fondness. The act of helping with preparations and then gathering together around a table (or two) seems to soothe the soul. And a little something sweet for your mouth at the meal’s conclusion never hurts!

Water water everywhere

2008-03-26T12:15:00.003-04:00

Water water everywhere!

As the March winds herald change, we look forward to warmer weather and outdoor activities, most of which will include water in some form or other. During the long winter months we had to console ourselves with playing in the tub, or in the jacuzzi or pool at the mountain house (our one week at our timeshare in the mountains). Wherever we are, water is a natural magnet, and you are well advised to just accept it and adapt. Try to figure ways to make it work in your favor.
For the tub we have bubble bath, plastic Cool Whip containers (a big favorite for dumping water on your head for hair washing and for floating small toys and creatures), foam alphabet blocks which can spell words and stick to the side wall, and lots of action figures, mermaids, boats, etc. They also like bottle scrubbers and washcloths. A few of our favorite tub songs include the Beatles “Yellow Submarine”, “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”, and the very best, “Splish Splash I was Taking a Bath”. The words for all of these can be found online, and the children love to sing in the bubbling water. As you can see, Owen was ready, clothes and all!
For the Jacuzzi we haven’t needed toys because the foaming bubbles keep them entertained. Most of the time they like to wear their suits just because they can. Every now and then they decide to do a nakie dip, but I do not want to get shut down for r-rated content, so I won’t include those pictures here.
For the yard we bought a very inexpensive Winnie-the-Pooh sprinkler which attaches to the hose. Not only do the kids love playing “chicken” with it, but it also gets our lawn watered at the same time. And after they’re done, they love to play games with the towels draped over their heads. This is also a great way to rinse off upon returning full of sand from the beach.
Children can begin to enjoy the various pools and beach at a very young age. Our daughters have small wading pools for the infants and toddlers; Owen is very young here in his green frog outfit lounging in his tube in the wading pool. One of our daughters has a large above ground pool, and we tend to gravitate there in the summer. We all try to pitch in and bring food and accessories so they are not always supplying everything, and everyone also watches all the children. Usually an intrepid adult (not I!) will hop in the larger pool with them and play games and keep them reasonably happily occupied.
Because we live near the ocean, the beach is a major source of entertainment for us, and I plan to do an entire blog on it as the season approaches.
It is helpful to bring juice boxes, fruit or other healthy snacks, wipes and towels wherever you are going. Always use sun block liberally, and be sure it is waterproof. Water is your ally and can occupy the children for hours if you have them safely lathered and are prepared to water and feed them periodically. We have not bought a lot of fancy toys as they only lose them or fight over them. What they truly like the most is having their cousins with them to share whatever water adventure we are doing.

Tip #17: Water is one of your best sources of entertainment for your grandchildren. Use it well and liberally. Keep wipes, sun block, snacks and towels in your car at all times……and don’t forget your camera! Find a milk crate or old laundry basket and throw in things like plastic containers and shovels which can remain there for the whole summer. Sit back, relax, and let their energy and creativity do the rest….but never, ever, take your eyes off them! Oh, and let them splash through those puddles in your driveway, on your street and in your garage. Who cares?

Here Comes Peter Cottontail!

2008-03-16T06:48:00.000-04:00

Here Comes Peter Cottontail!

Easter is one of those holidays when many things stay the same while many things change. Since the date is dependent on moons and tides and such, it can be as early as late March and as late as mid-April, which makes it very challenging to know how to dress. In the pictures with snow on the ground the temperatures are actually milder than in some of those with bare ground. Noah is wearing Grampy’s vest because he was freezing during the egg hunt; he could barely pick them up through the shivering.
Each year the day after Easter I hit the usual bargain stores: Target, WalMart, Walgreen’s, the supermarkets, etc., and stock up on the plastic eggs and any other Easter-related “stuff” that will hold up for a year. Today Chuck and I sat with 15 prefilled eggs and 96 empty plastic ones needing filling. We put quarters and a variety of candies in each; mostly I tried to find the stuff unlikely to be in their own baskets at home, such as Smarties and bubble gum. One year I bought little toys and stuffed animals which I thought looked small enough to fit in the larger eggs, but none did, so I abandoned that idea. It is costly enough for what we do put in, but they love the egg hunt. Oh, and one year in my efficiency I placed them outside about two hours before the kids were due, and the squirrels had a wonderful time. They were able to worry them open and dig out the goodies. FYI, they preferred orange jellybeans! Now I wait until we are within a half hour of lift off, and then stand guard, ready to shoo them off with my broomstick should they approach. Quite the picture, huh?
We provide plastic bags for the children, and a very strictly enforced limit. This year with 11 participating (our nephews, 12 and 9, join us for this holiday), and 111 eggs, each will be allowed 10, and I have no idea what to do with the extra one, except that we rarely find them all anyhow. The older children obviously are much more adept at hunting them out, so they then help the younger ones.
Among the traditions we have are the lamb cake (made in a cast iron mold, handed down from Great Nana), and the bunny cake, wildly decorated by the children in whichever home it is being made that year. As the oldest child present, Drew gets to claim the lamb’s head. All are eager for him to either reach adulthood or decide that this nonsense is beneath him, whichever comes first.
Because the weather is totally unpredictable until a day or two before, we never know if we are going to spend the bulk of the day inside or out. Last year it was mild enough to be outside, so we had foam rockets to launch and bubble wands to twirl. Sidewalk chalk is a great choice too. Usually the kids are dressed up, so we don’t want to roughhouse too much and ruin their clothing. Sometimes they bring a change of clothes, particularly if it is going to be warmer. It is difficult for this many children to remain cooped up and behaving in our comfortable but not overly large home, so we try to plan ahead for activities to keep them happy and us sane.
Most families have traditions about holiday meals, and one of ours is that we all eat at the same time, if possible. The children get their meals first, but they know there will be no dessert until everyone is done, so there is no point to hurrying. Sometimes they eat on the picnic table on our (now, finally!) heated four seasons room, and sometimes they crowd around the kitchen table, while the adults populate the dining room. Yes, it necessitates lots of jumping up and back and forth, but, on the whole, it works. The cousins love being together, so it truly doesn’t matter to them where they eat.
One of the pictures included here is of Great Nana holding one of the twins. We did not know at the time that this would be her last Easter with us, and we are so glad we have this picture to show Ryan some day. The last 3 years of her life she was in an assisted living facility, and we would go to great lengths to enable her to be with us on holidays. It was well worth it. She loved the children unconditionally, and boy, did they know it! What a gift to give them, a family circle, filled with love and laughter and, of course, delicious food!

Tip #16: Think ahead to plan activities for the children who are sharing the holiday with you. Whether you are inside or outdoors, having things for them to do will make everyone’s day easier and more pleasant. Try to gather as many family members as you can as your grandchildren will remember long after you are gone that love and laughter happened at your home.

2008-03-09T14:40:00.000-04:00

Getting Started

First time around we all tend to buy way too much “stuff” to have at our fingertips in our homes. Probably we are thinking primarily about making it easier for our children to visit with the new baby—the fewer things to tote, the more likely they might be to visit. This thinking can result in way too much spent on things that have a very short use cycle (unless you anticipate storing it somewhere in your house in between births), and are not necessary. What follows are some suggestions (open to editorial comment by all readers!) of the things I have found both useful and comforting to me when the newborns-18 months come calling.

At some point you will need a crib, but not before the baby is at least 3-6 months old. A porta crib which collapses and can be stored in a closet is your best bet. Most infants sleep in their “buckets” or on top of a big bed, surrounded by pillows. Really, they do not move much besides their eyelids and arms at first, and certainly cannot crawl or even wiggle their way off even a twin bed for several weeks. I found a porta crib at the school yard sale; it was almost brand new (owner said she’d used it twice, and it looked it), and I paid $7 for it. It has been used for 7 of the 9 grandkids (it took me awhile to get this smart), and still hardly looks used. You need a sheet for the mattress (try Target or WalMart for inexpensive accoutrements), and a soft blanket. I also bought inexpensive crib, mattress and high chair because I did not want to use items that other children might have chewed or drooled or spit up upon…… call me anal, but I just had an aversion to even the idea…..

Another thing I found very nice to have (and you just need the parents to have this and bring it with them!) is a vibrating infant seat. The motion is almost fool proof in getting even the crankiest infant to sleep. The new swings (again, not necessary, but hopefully parents have one at their house for when you visit them) do not make awful, jarring noises when you wind them…. actually, you don’t wind them because they run on batteries! But you do need someplace to safely put the child when she/he is awake once significant moving is occurring. We have an exer-saucer, purchased at a second hand store and washed with boiling water. Now these “saucers” come in a wide range of sophistication, from the bare bones model to the type with all the bells and whistles. I was feeling badly that we’d purchased a minimalist version until I heard a pediatrician on NPR stating that until he had his own child, he didn’t realize what a bad idea it is to have all those distractions in one place. In fact, he was going to test his theory that it is exactly things like this that foster ADD! Of course I then felt totally affirmed in my (thrifty) decision!

The whole issue of a pacifier can be daunting. Some new parents take an oath of sorts that their new child will never, ever use one. Happily mine did not…..it is worth every penny you spend on it (actually, them, because you need back up!). One problem is the sheer number of choices of styles, make and model, etc. Have you visited the floss aisle lately? You’d best know exactly what you want when you are looking, or you will be totally overwhelmed by the choices. The same is true of pacifiers (aka “binkies” or “plugs”). They are age specific, type specific, and come in a large range of colors and brands. You can easily spend 20 minutes just looking at the display. But when the chips are down and the baby is displaying lung power greater than you’d ever imagined, this little item can be a lifesaver. You can also buy a device that clips onto the baby’s clothing and has the pacifier attached at the other end so it is less likely to get lost, but never leave that on the baby when she/he is sleeping in a place out of your sight.

You will also need a small stash of diapers, but here again the choices are many, and some brands are an anathema to the parents। You can’t miss with a big name brand unless it is environmentally unsound, and you can often find coupons for significant money off. Store and discount brands often do not hold up (literally), and you don’t want to be responsible for the soggy, smelly mess that ensues if it lets go. A small tube of ointment and a small package of wipes complete the care for this aspect. Early on, one of our children had a heated wipe warmer on the dressing table, and I thought to myself (rare that I did not express this thought, but also serendipitous!), how frivolous can you be??? I love them! When the baby wakes in the night, (or even in the day if you keep your house cooler now due to rising oil prices!), the warm wipe does not jar the child awake ….no icy application to sensitive areas….just soothing warmth…॥maybe we should create a similar product for adults, especially those of us “of a certain age”……

For infants, then, you need a pacifier, a bed upon which the baby can sleep, some wipes, diapers and ointment, maybe a soft blanket, but not much else. If you live in an area where the climate is conducive to walking, by all means get a stroller. Most of them recline so you don’t have to have a separate “carriage” in which the infant lies down and a stroller for sitting up. There are so many choices here that my only suggestions are to check Consumer Reports for safety ratings and ask other grandparents what they have used. Because we have twins, we have used a double stroller…..not a bad idea even for singles, as you can put purchases, library books, snacks, etc., in the other seat. Jogging strollers are incredibly lightweight and easy to push, but very expensive brand-new. Double strollers come in two styles: back-to-back and side-by-side. I prefer the back –to-back for sturdiness and visibility (mine) but the side-by-side umbrollers are very easy to manipulate, particularly in smaller places.

Soon I will post again with more tips for things you will need or want to have as the baby grows and develops. This should get you started.

Tip #15: Remember that you are at a stage in your life when you should be thinking of downsizing, and you do not need to add to the junk you’ve already accumulated. Plus you could use that money to get a massage or go to a movie to decompress once the baby departs…..one of the greatest benefits of grandparenthood is that he/she will eventually go home and leave you to your peace and quiet to recover for the next round. And you will so very much appreciate the interlude…..

You Don't Have to Go Back to the Top--duh!

2008-03-02T16:32:00.000-05:00

You Don’t Have to Go Back to the Top—Duh!

My memories of sledding never touched upon terror. When Emma and Owen were 4 and 2, I talked the aforementioned neighbor, Traudi, into taking them sliding with me. I knew a perfect place (because I had driven by it so many times, not because I had ever been there), so we bundled them up so that they could barely stand without wobbling, and off we went to this small slope in the next town. Carefully positioning the sleds at the top, we tried to get each one in without losing the sled down the hill. I quickly realized that if I wasn’t very careful, I could easily send Emma plummeting down alone. It took some tricky maneuvering, but eventually we were both in a sled with a child in front, and down the hill we went. My heart was in my throat; I didn’t realize how fast these plastic sleds went on the icy surface, or how steep it was, or how scared I could be. Breaking a limb at my age would not be pretty, and if anything happened to the children……
The kids were shouting with glee when we came to a stop on the uphill slant at the bottom. Traudi seemed to be fine, while I was shaking in my boots. I turned to Emma and asked, “Was that enough? Do you want to go back to the car now?” She looked at me as if I’d gone crazy, and said, “No, I want to go again and again!” I noticed that Traudi and Owen were already headed back up, so I told Emma to get in the sled and started trudging, head down, nerves frayed. I never looked up again until I was back at the top….and saw that our companions were already disembarking at the bottom. Hmmm. How did she do that so fast? Down we went for a second exhilarating (yeh, right!) run, and passed Owen and Traudi on their ascent. I can’t remember if it took me 2,3 or maybe even 4 times to realize that they were not going all the way back to the top. When I caught up with Traudi, finally, she confessed to being a bit unnerved on the first jaunt as well, but she figured out very quickly that there was no need to go all the way back to the top….that you could have a more gentle, less scary slide by simply going only part way back up the slope. The kids were oblivious, and my quaking calmed. How come it took me so long to catch on? I am happy to report that it was a watershed moment for me. Since then the idea that not everything has to be done at mach ten speed, that modification and adaptation are very good strategies, my adventures with my grandchildren are much less harrowing. Sometimes.
Today we head up to our timeshare in the White Mountains which we have owned and used every Feb. vacation since 1988. The children call it our “mountain house”, and they just love it there. In the pictures you can see the four older ones, Noah, Molly, Emma and Owen, all learning to ski, showing off their independence mid-lesson, bundled up to the hilt. Ryan tried on Grampa’s helmet in anticipation, and this year he and his twin brother, Ian, are four, so they will have their first lesson as well. We go for rides on the sled, swim in the pool, build snowmen (an activity grandparents can do better than almost anyone), splash in the Jacuzzi in the condo, and play endless games. We have “mountain house food” (such as hot chocolate, après skiing nachos, popcorn, and Twix bars), things that we normally do not keep in the house. The kids love the whirlpool tub, the Murphy beds, and the fact that we are all there together under one roof. This year Ari and Megan’s folks are bringing them for the first time, and their anticipation is palpable.
Mostly I am not a big fan of the cold outdoors, but when I do venture out I usually have a good time. I take my camera everywhere, cataloguing their progress, recording their snow creations and progress on skis, capturing them making angels in the snow, or playing King of the Mountain. Then I disappear inside, leaving the heartier adults to shiver in the frosty New England outdoors. Grampa is a very good skier and instructor, and he takes over on the mountain once they’ve had initial instructions. It is not a good idea to be the first line of fire when teaching them how to just maneuver. This will also hold true for driving lessons, golf, etc. Let someone else get them started if possible.

Tip #14: There are many ways to adapt play, both in the snow and other mediums…..remember that our bones are brittle and will not mend as easily if we break them!