Grandparent Rivalry and Fairness

Grandparent Rivalry and Fairness

Recently a city newspaper with wide circulation ran an article about competing grandparents. Adult children find themselves caught when one grandparent, or set of grandparents, lavishes money and gifts on the children, while the other(s) either cannot or choose not to do so. Since this has not been a problem for us (yet), I had not thought too much about it; however, the newspaper piece certainly had everyone talking, so I am guessing that we are quite lucky in this regard. We rarely know what toys, clothing or money comes from the other grandparents. Occasionally one of the children might say, "My nana gave me this", or I might even ask, "That is a really cool toy--where did you get it?". Most of the time I am blithely unaware of the origin of most things. I do believe there is way too much "stuff" in all of our lives, and so have resolved to do more in the vein of helping to pay for an activity, sport, or summer program/camp. That way the children will be developing or fostering an interest and maybe learning something as well. Does anyone buy savings bonds anymore? I know I used to, but they seem to have gone by the wayside. I was mighty glad we had them when our own children were going to college, getting married, buying a car....whatever was of great importance to them and for which they needed money. What a great surprise it was to them to learn they had these savings bonds given to them for christening, birthday, Christmas, etc., when they were too little to even know what they were! Do any of you have suggestions for gifts that are not more toys to clutter up their already overcrowded homes?

We are also fortunate in that we don't seem to have conflict re: the time we spend with each family. Our children have worked out holidays so that we each get some time, and the children aren't run ragged trying to cover all the bases. I feel strongly that this is as much the responsibility of us parents as it is of our children. If we make them feel obligated or guilty about spending each holiday with us, they will feel those things, and soon resent us or dread the holidays, or both. We try to let them know that we love spending time with them, and if they can juggle it all so that they are not strung out, we'd love to see them. It is easier now that they are a bit older; those infant years surely were a challenge, what with naps and earlier bedtimes and all. Some families alternate, spending Thanksgiving one year with one set, and Christmas with the other. Some families arrange to celebrate on a different day so that the kids can be in their own homes at least to wake up in on Christmas morning. You might even pick a weekend day before the actual holiday, or after it. When I was still teaching, this was a very painful thing for children whose parents had divorced. There was no easy solution, and though they liked getting gifts from both mom and dad, most felt torn because they had to spend equal holiday time with both....and then there were the step siblings, but I'll save that for another time! I think we can improve on our current arrangements, even, and I am sure our traditions will evolve, as has everything else.

One set of grandparents lives far away, so when they come to visit, they spend a week or more. We try to stay away during that time to let them have full rein, though we like them and usually try to get together for a meal sometime during their stay. We have gone to grandparent activities at the schools, but only when asked. So far there has not been a conflict with too many of us wanting to go, but I am sure that could happen.

I think that if one spent a whole lot more money on the kids than the other, that would be difficult. For example, a friend shared that her in-laws give the kids a trip to Disney every year (they take them, so the parents aren't included). There is no way her parents can do anything like that, so they feel like they are not doing their part. We went to Disney twice with our kids; once we accompanied one daughter, her husband and two children who were going on a Make-A-Wish trip, and we paid our own way, exchanged a timeshare in the area, and then spent the first few days helping them. The other set of grandparents then came, and we overlapped for one day. We then left them the condo so that they could have the remaining time so that we didn't overwhelm our kids with our helpfulness. Nothing more stressful than having both sets of parents hovering and asking, "What can I do to help?"! We also went with our other daughter and her husband and five children, again to help with the sheer logistics of it all. They paid for our plane fare, and we were able to secure two condos for the week. Divide and conquer worked as well for us as it did for the Romans: the two older children stayed several nights with us, and at the parks they were able to do age-appropriate things while the younger ones and their mom and dad did the real kiddie rides. All in all, I think it worked quite well, and we are willing--perhaps even eager--to do it again. Yet here is where more guilt comes in; we have not done this trip with our son and his two. As a new single parent, everything is a challenge for him (and them), and we do not know yet how to negotiate "things". So to try to even things up, we have provided him and his girls with three nights at a resort that is about a three hour drive from here for later this summer. Is it comparable to a trip to Disney? Not by a long shot, but it is the best we can do for right now.

Trying to make everything come out fairly continues to be a challenge. Some of the children are simply easier to buy for, either because I am more aware of their tastes or because they are not as picky. I try so hard to keep it all even, but fall far short. They are not old enough yet to even notice the difference, but I know. We also try to make them feel that we love them all equally. Some are more receptive to our love than others, and we have to work harder with those who need convincing. We are currently working very hard on these two areas.

I would love for you to comment on anything in this blog that strikes a chord with you. How do you handle these things? Do you have any suggestions or advice for grandparents facing these challenges? How do you handle your role of grandparent? What do you see as your responsibilities, if anything? Chuck, my husband, is the only grandfather for our daughter's five as her husband's dad died when he was 13. Chuck embraced this role and tries hard to be the kind of grandfather he wanted to have. All of the other grandparents are alive and well and very much a part of the children's lives. As the kids approach the teenage years, we are hoping to maintain our relationships with them, but we do not live in a bubble! Plus having taught mostly eighth grade (some seventh, some high school, and even some college), I am keenly aware of how burdensome we can be to them until they see the light, around age 21!

Hint #49: Try not to get into a competition with the other grandparents. Be present in your grandchildren's lives, but do not try to buy them with over-the-top expenditures for gifts and trips. As they grow older, maybe tell them about a charitable donation you are making in their name (such as to grant a Wish for a child with a life-threatening illness, or support pediatric cancer research, or help with supplies for a place like David's House where the families of hospitalized children can stay on a sliding scale). Your time is the most valuable gift you can give. Never, ever bad mouth the other grandparents for any reason. Just be you, and love them to the stars and beyond.

Let Them "Be"

Just Letting Them "Be...."

When did we stop giving children the freedom to amuse themselves? I know I am very guilty here. Whenever I know the children are coming for more than just a quick visit, I start thinking about what we can do. I gather "stuff": crayons, paper, stickers, glue, clay.....you get the idea. I fret about the amount of time we will have together, and how to fill it. I plan outdoor activities, and trips to the playgrounds and museums, if I am going to have them for extended time periods. I am not saying there is anything wrong with these things, but the notion missing in my planning is "moderation" (actually it is missing in most anything I do!).

Though it is great fun and exciting and interesting to plan all these things for the kids, recently I've been asking myself, "when do they just play?" I was babysitting at my daughter's a couple of weeks ago when the weather miraculously turned from shivery cold to a New Englander's description of "mild" (still requiring jackets), so after the older two finished their homework, we all went out into the back yard to "play". I didn't organize a thing, because I was so busy watching Jack (almost 2) explore and marvel at what he found, that I didn't pay much attention to the other four. Suddenly I had a moment of keen awareness. They were all exploring, experimenting, and totally occupying themselves with no interference from me! Curious to see how long it would last, I became simply an observer for quite a bit. Epiphany time! I did not have to orchestrate (micro manage) every second of my time with them. Left to their own devices, they were quite capable.

I know that they love to play dress up and put on "performances", but for some reason this creative capability did not transfer to other arenas of play, at least not in my mind. Imagination is a wonderful thing, but it needs to be fostered and left alone to blossom. Give the kids some empty boxes and watch what happens! Leave them to their own devices in the tub, pretend to be occupied doing something else in the room while they play, and you will be delighted with what they do! Emma hid under the laundry basket, and then discovered she could move it. Jack followed her across the living room floor, curious and astounded by this "alive" thing. They must have played this invented game for a good half hour. Who knew?

Grampa made them a puzzle board so they could build their puzzles and then move them wherever they wanted. We both would jump right in to help, but then discovered the kids taking the puzzle board to a private corner or nook so they could try it alone. Hmmm. Was it possible that they did not want or need our help? Or that maybe we should wait to be asked before we barged right in to rescue them?

If you've been reading these posts all along, you know that I feel strongly that the greatest gift we can give our grandchildren is our time (and attention), and I do still believe that. They need us to read to them, play board and card games with them, and even engage in activies such as playing catch. Now I also think we need to give them unplotted time, time during which they can invent their own games, find their own "toys" and amuse themselves through their own devices. Time to simply play. What a gift!

On another note, if you live within driving distance of Exeter, NH, consider having your child or grandchild register to ride in the second annual Kids PMC Ride, to be held in the Timberland parking lot (on the Exeter/Stratham line) on Sun., June 14th. Go to http://www.pmckids.org/ and sign them up (you may want to sign up to volunteer that day, too!). There is a $10 registration fee which gets them a tee shirt, a goody bag and a raffle ticket. Plus if they are pre-registered, they can just pick up their packet and go right to bike decorating or any of the other pre-event activities without waiting to enlist. Everyone had such a good time last year, even though it was our first time, and none of us were really sure of what we were doing. Maribeth did a great job of organizing it, learning much along the way. We will be drawing the ticket for Chuck's Amazing Raffle at this event. If you have not yet purchased one of the only 200 tickets he is selling (to win a one-week, 2 bedroom luxury condo vacation anywhere in the world there is availability with our timeshare deposit....you only need to pay for your transportation) be sure to do so soon. You can go to www.pmc.org and access profiles and find Chuck's and donate online...if it is for $50 he will know you want a raffle ticket. Or you can email him or me or send a check....it all works. He is training now for his one day, 86 mile ride. Your grandkids would love this event, and you would be helping a great cause, finding a cure for cancer in kids. Hope you all are still voting in the Betty Crocker Contest for Make-A-Wish, too, which lasts until 5/26. So many ways to help.....

Tip #48: Let them be. Leave them alone occasionally and encourage them to amuse themselves. Don't interfere, suggest, prompt, etc. If materials are needed, provide them, but try to just stay out of their way. I promise you will be pleasantly surprised and, perhaps like me, wonder why you didn't allow them this freedom of play sooner. Then step back and observe, cherishing what you see, and maybe even secretly capturing some of it with your hidden camera!

Crazy Bingo

Crazy Bingo

First, I apologize for being gone from my blog for so long. I have no excuse, other than "the world was too much with me". All of a sudden I was working much more than usual (my choice, picking up all the extra hours I could in anticipation of going on vacation), and then we went to Florida (oh, poor us!). When we returned I jumped right back into the whirlwind of life and kids and work again. Now I have a brand new computer, monitor, and combination printer, gifted by my husband and children, for no apparent occasion. How lucky can one person be? I am struggling to familiarize myself with all their idiosyncrasies, and I am a very slow learner when it comes to technology.....So please bear with me.

Our holiday pictures look the same as those of years' past, although the kids are bigger! Drew, proudly displaying the lamb's head, is actually our nephew (seen in another picture here with his younger brother, Dan). Their father is my husband's youngest brother (there is a 19 year span from oldest to youngest among the five brothers). Dan, who is a grandson, and Noah, who is a great grandson, could end up in the same 6th grade classroom next year when they both move from different towns to the cooperative middle school. What a hoot!

Anyhow, we gathered as usual, and served the traditional appetizers, including shrimp cocktail. All of a sudden I heard cries of dismay. Oh, no, I thought, what is wrong with the shrimp? Turns out I bought a different kind of cocktail sauce (actually a more expensive one that I thought they'd like better), and they were clamoring that it just wasn't the same (quite politely, but unmistakably upset). My husband quickly added horseradish to it and saved the day. When I went back to the supermarket on Monday, I decided I'd buy a few of the old favorite, but it is no longer being stocked! Now what? I guess they will simply have to adjust. I really hate it when something that has been a part of our dining tradition disappears. Here is a confession. Most of our family eats Kraft grated American orange cheese on pasta. It is next to the parmesan, in a blue shaker can, on the grocery shelf. When my sister moved to Michigan for a while, I had to ship her a caseload. Mandy couldn't find it in Athens, GA., either. Then it was no longer here....panic! Fortunately it returned before our supply ran out. None of us it trusts it, however, so we all stockpile. I bet you have guilty food secrets too!

It was the fastest egg hunt yet as the temperature was "coolish" and the winds were whipping. I knew how many eggs I'd planted, so I just divided that number by the number of searchers, and told them how many each could find. Then the older kids helped the younger ones. We used plastic grocery bags with their names already on them in laundry marker. When we went back inside, they dumped the contents of their eggs into their already-labeled bages, and I recycled the plastic eggs to use again next year. I put quarters, bunny erasers, bubble rings, and assorted other "goodies" as well as candy in the eggs. They seemed to enjoy it all. I also hit the stores earlier this week to replenish supplies at 50-75% off and have tucked them away safely for next year.

One day a week I volunteer at the Make-A-Wish Foundation of NH, and there I have met many wonderful people. Among them is one of the most creative and entertaining grandparents I have encountered thus far. I have stolen many of my ideas from her and her husband, and plan to continue doing so. One is called "Crazy Bingo", and I introduced it to the kids when we were at the "mountain house" in Feb. All you need is two decks of cards and a bunch of wrapped items, such as packs of gum, candy bars, lottery tickets, silly string....whatever "stuff" you can find at the dollar or bargain stores. I spent about $20 all together for the Easter version, simply because there were more players. You deal the whole deck, so the number of cards each player gets depends on how many are participating. You then use the second deck and draw a card and call it out. The player holding that card may then choose from among the wrapped items. He/she opens it, nicknames it, and then hides it under a jacket or pillow (we used towels). The next person whose card is drawn (I did not let anyone win more than once each round, but that is totally up to you) gets to choose next, unwraps it, nicknames it, but then can either keep it or trade for one already opened....but only if she/he can remember who has it and what its nickname is....obviously more difficult if there are more players. Oh, and I preface the whole game with admonitions about whining and complaining, promising that each player would end up with at least one thing, even though it may not be the item he/she most desired. If that isn't acceptable, I invite them to drop out before the game begins so as not to be responsible for having it cancelled forevermore. No one did. It was a great way to spend a lot of time, especially since going outside was not an option. The grownups got to hold actual conversations in the other room, undisturbed by their children for once. We had many laughs, and only one little voice of protest when it was over....quickly squelched by his mother. Now I just have to be sure that they understand that this will not necessarily be a part of every Easter's celebration, though I imagine it will become a part of our "mountain house" tradition! Thank you, Elizabeth.

If any of you have suggestions for ways to entertain children at family gatherings, please use the comment link below this blog to share them with the rest of us. Fair is fair, you know!

Tip #46: If the weather restricts your activities during family gatherings, try to be prepared ahead of time with things for the kids to do. Although they may be content to watch or play videos, they will remember the occasion much more vividly if you actually do something with them. I highly recommend Crazy Bingo!

Help Grant a Child's Wish

How You Can Make a Difference

Times are tough, as we all well know. For organizations such as The Make-A-Wish Foundation, decreasing donations means cutting back on the breadth and depth of Wishes that can be granted. Beleagured families, battle-weary from whatever critical illness the child has, need this respite now more than ever. Betty Crocker has teamed up with the MAW Foundation and is running an advertising promotion for its website and products. Here's how you can help! You go to this website: http://www.bettycrocker.com/StirringUpWishes/Default.aspx and register (there is a hard to see log in button in red under and to the right of the Support button). And then you vote for the NH chapter by scrolling your mouse over the state of NH and clicking on the yellow button there. That's it! You can vote once daily. Betty Crocker is going to fund the granting of 12 Wishes over 12 weeks, and you can help that happen simply by voting once daily. Please take a few minutes of your time to do this...once you've logged on the first time, you can add the website to your favorites and then it will take less than a minute each day, and cost you nothing.
Our granddaughter had her Wish granted in March of 2004. She and her parents and little brother went to Disney World. Chuck and I and her other grandparents went along to help, but we provided our own funding (many families cannot afford to pay for the extra people to accompany them and thus miss out on having more hands to make light work!). We exchanged our timeshare for a place just outside of Disney and Chuck and I stayed there the first four nights and then left it to the other grandparents from Ohio; in that way we didn't overwhelm the kids with four doting grandparents trying to be helpful all at once!
They stayed at Give Kids the World, an absolutely amazing "resort" for families of children with illnesses in Kissimmee. First they were picked up at home by a limo, which transported them to the local airport. There they were met by their very own Wish Granter, helped through the rigamarole of boarding, and then met again in Orlando by a Wish Granter there carrying a huge sign with Emma' s name on it. No waiting in line for their rental car....keys tossed to them as they passed by the counter and headed to GKTW. Do yourselves a favor and go to the website for this amazing refuge, and read all about how it got started and what it does for its visitors. Later today I hope to add pictures from there and the rest of the Wish Week. In each "villa" were huge Mickey and Minnie dolls and several other gifts for the children, and a refrigerator and freezer full of kid-friendly foods and treats. At night you could sign up for characters to come and read bedtime stories. The cookie cart rode up and down the streets, jingling its bell to signal its presence outside your door. Why a cookie cart and not ice cream? Because the ice cream palace is open 24/7! One morning we were headed to the dining hall for breakfast when the volunteer from the ice cream store ran out to greet us. Obviously he was lonely, and he did everything in his power to convince us that he had all the basic food groups for breakfast: fruit (bananas, cherries, strawberries, blueberries), dairy (milk, whipped cream), nuts, waffle cones.....well, you get the picture! Of course we succumbed and had every child's dream breakfast (wasn't too shabby for the adults either!). There was a sprayground, a carousel, and a main building where each Wish child filled out a star that was then put on the ceiling which resembled a night sky. In the darkness each star glowed, and Emma could see her Star among all the others of the children who'd been there.
At Disney itself the family had special passes and wore a special name tag which subtlely identified them as Wish people....and so never had to wait in line, and got extra special treatment from the many characters throughout the park. When we saw Woody and Buzz we despaired because there was a long line, and we really didn't feel comfortable flaunting our status as a Wish family. So Emma and I got in the line and waited....about 20 minutes later we made it to the front, and then Woody and Buzz made an enormous deal over her and her dad caught it all on video. Then the Disney worker in charge of the area scolded us and told us that everyone understood about Wish kids and how they tire easily and deserve special attention for all that they were going through, and that we were never to wait in line again! People behind us didn't seem to mind a bit that Emma got extra time with the characters, so we followed that dictum from then on.
I cannot describe how incredibly renewing to the spirit this Wish Trip was for our entire family. Our daughter and her husband had been to hell and back, scrambling to understand what was happening to Emma (more on that later) and all the medical terms and decisions while trying to keep things normal for Owen who was just a baby, 12 weeks old, when Em was diagnosed. They wrestled with schedules, getting Emma to appointments and therapy while seeing that Owen was covered at home. Friends, relatives and neighbors all helped, but it was (and still continues to be) a prolonged nightmare. To be treated as royalty, to have all those worries and cares set aside even for just a very short week, allowed them to forget about all of this and just "be".......and I cannot tell you how needed and appreciated this was for everyone.

Tip #45:
So, please, find the time today to log on to the Betty Crocker site and vote for the NH chapter so that the organization can continue to grant these Wishes. I volunteer there one day a week (even though it means traveling 50 miles round trip to do so, that's how impressed I was by what they do!) and so see first hand how many children there are in dire need of this opportunity, and how difficult it has become to find the funding to do so. Thank you, in advance, from the bottom of these very grateful grandparents' hearts. See how easily you can make a difference in a child's life.

Part One: On Minor Ailments and Illnesses

Remember when our own children were little and got sick? Didn’t it seem like it always happened after 5 pm on Friday, and you had no recourse until the doctor’s office opened again on Monday morning? No one went to the er (now the ed) unless something life-threatening happened. For a brief, stress-relieving but all-too-short period of time a neighboring town had a walk-in clinic. How I loved that place! But, even there, it seemed like fevers and coughs and rashes disappeared as soon as you crossed its threshold! Our children managed to break bones, contract chicken pox (which led to Ryes Syndrome in our son, but that’s for another entry….major!) and mono, scrape, bruise and bump their bodies until we felt well-tested. One of the favorite assignments I used to give my 8th graders was called “Scar Stories”. Students drew stick figures of themselves and labeled the scars they’d acquired up till then. Next they chose one particular scar to write about. If they had a truly riveting story, they could stick to the facts. However, almost all of them chose to go the fiction route, embellishing as little or as much as they needed to create a really, really good story. They loved writing about themselves, but even more, loved the license to use hyperbole. Often they got carried away and had to be reined in….this produced a great lesson on asking your audience to engage in “a willing suspension of disbelief” without going so far it became preposterous.

Because we both worked full time, we had little allowance for staying home, and no back up if a child was truly ill. One of us had to then miss work, so our children went to school as long as they could sit up and take nourishment. One immediate ticket to stay home was, of course, fever. If you stayed home, you did nothing. You did not play video games (well, there were none!) or get up and run around (even if you miraculously recovered midday) nor anything else that resembled “fun”. Maybe they watched a little TV. We had standard remedies: chicken noodle soup, cheese toast, ginger ale, Jell-O, popsicles, etc. Even today our children agreed that it was much better to drag your aching body out to school then to endure a day at home.

What is it like today for your grandchildren? Blessedly many have almost immediate phone and even office-visit access to help. It still amazes me how quickly a child can get seen. This is a definite improvement. People using them as they used to use a regular doctor today overwhelm the ed departments. Many do not have health insurance (and I am sure that number is only going to increase in this terrible job economy), and thus have no other recourse. You can literally wait for half a day or night to be seen there. Thermometers and other diagnostic instruments are much more precise and user friendly. The Internet provides instant answers to worrisome questions (though it also often misleads and produces a rush to judgment and fear), and cell phones provide instant access to spouses and relatives. I can attest that when one of our grandchildren is sick, we all worry collectively, and our own children actively seek our input. This is both good and bad, because what if we give the wrong advice? What if we minimize something that is or could become serious? Minor bumps and bruises, tended to with kisses, hugs, shaking it off, and trendy band aids I can easily handle, but fret often when the potential to blossom into something bigger looms on the horizon. I like being needed and having my opinion and “wisdom” valued, but I do not relish the responsibility of diminishing something that could be serious.

Tip #44: All children will have accidents, contract illnesses, and fake it at some time during their growing years. The best we can do is be there to listen, offer suggestions and advice when asked, provide babysitting relief so parents do not have to miss work, and give them loving warmth and tender care. We are allowed to spoil them if they are left with us! (We can also spot a faker in two notes!). How do we know when it is time to worry? The only answer I have is instinct. You have it. Trust it. Now add your own tips and comments, please.

PS If you would like to receive a description of the raffle for a week's vacation at a resort owned by Resort Condominiums International which we are offering to the first 200 who purchase a ticket, please email me at : karen.weinhold@comcast.net. Grampy decided to ride in the Pan Mass Challenge this year, which raises money for cancer treatment and research. As a recent cancer survivor himself, he knows what it is like to battle the cancer beast, and wants to do what he can to help. You can read his profile/story by going to http://www.pmc.org/ where you go to profiles and type in Chuck Weinhold. That will also lead you to the link for Team Emma's Enchantment, which is the team on which he will ride. All contributions are 100% tax deductible.