Jumping Right In!

On Participatory Grandparenting:

You need to jump right in, both feet, eyes wide open, when it comes to doing things with your grandchildren. I hadn't been in a swimming pool or lake in years, and it had been decades since I sat on a sled and swooshed down a hill. I don't have many pictures of me doing these things since most of the time I am the photographer, and, believe me, I was holding on to my granddaughter and the sled for dear life!

Recently we accompanied our daughter and granddaughter to the Make-A-Wish night at the Verizon Wireless Arena for Disney's Princesses on Ice Skating Show. All around us were grandparents with tiaras (yes, granddads too!), little girls with hands tightly clasped in larger, veined but still strong adult hands. One grandmother was barely tall enough to see, but she sat up tall in her seat wearing a crown! At first it was her contagious grin that caught our attention, and we watched in silent admiration as she and her granddaughter put their heads together and gossiped about the prince.

Grandparenting is not a spectator sport. To be fully engaged, you have to participate. Sometimes I see grandparents dozing through recitals, reading newspapers at games, or standing off to the side in classrooms during visiting days. I feel that they are missing the most fun. Your grandchildren will long remember you screaming alongside them in the haunted house (if you can get any one of them to go in there with you...I have had little luck with that!) or on the roller coaster. Sitting with them in the waves at the beach, or swimming to the dock at the lake, or riding bikes, playing hopscotch, etc. These things don't necessarily have to be physical, either.

Get down on the floor and build puzzles, climb into bed and read books, find a table and build a Lego construction. Bake cookies, make Jello, set the table together. Play hide 'n seek, board games, or sit arm and arm in the movies or at a play. Not only will they remember clearly that you were there with them, you will enjoy it so much more. You will feel younger (well, once you conquer your minor insecurities, such as fear of flying down the icy hill out of control and crashing!) and more alive than you have ever felt before. Splash each other, bury each other in leaves, have a snow ball fight. Get squirt guns and make sure it is warm outside.

We are basically technophobes, and our grandchildren love to teach us how to play games, visit exciting websites, and even play on the Wii. They beat us at most everything that involves technology, but they love being our teachers. I am astounded at how much patience they have as they try to explain DS's and play station and x-box and Rock Band....I don't think I have it straight even now. This is their world, so while we are busy sharing our grownup world with them, we need to take the time and show the interest in their world. You will endear youselves to them even more if you do!

Tip #54: Get totally involved in activities with your grandchildren. Don't be bystanders, observing and recording and nodding off in your dotage. Teach them but learn from them too. Your lives will be richer and their memories of you enriched. Go for the gold!

Saying "No!"

Saying "No!"

Obviously I am constitutionally incapable of saying "No!" when it comes to Christmas...or birthdays, or any other excuse I can use to buy/do for our grandchildren. It brings us such great pleasure to be able to do "stuff", and because we are with them regularly, we have a fairly good idea of what they like. We also consult their parents for assurance that these purchases/events/activities meet with their approval. Sometimes we slip in a surprise or two, and hold our breath, hoping we haven't overstepped or goofed somehow. As you can see from the picture, Jack was clearly unimpressed with the new gifts and reverted quickly to the old and familiar box of toys! I know I need to tone it down, reel it in, and I will....one of these days. I continually vow that this time it will be less, but I have yet to keep that promise.

This advice is more for the parents of the grandchildren than the grandparents. One of the things our children do that I have not yet told them how much I appreciate it, is remind their children of whom gave them what, so, for ex., if we are at their house at bedtime and they say goodnight wearing the pj's we provided, they will remind us of the fact that they were a gift from us, usually saying something like, "Look! I am wearing my "Grammy jammies!". When Owen finished building his Lego bulldozer, he called to tell us about it. Both Molly and Emma called to thank us for the tickets to see Strega Nona in Boston and relate highlights. Children have to be taught, and then reinforced, how to be thankful. When our own children were young, I used to put thank you notes and stamps in their stockings (it worked for two of them!). We do not expect--or want--the kids to be thanking us at every turn, but it is very nice when they are wearing something, or playing with something, or attending something, that their parents nudge them by reminding them to mention it to us. And sometimes I forget that we did that, and then they laugh and say, "But Grammy, you and Grampa gave it to us!"

Tip #53: Do what makes you feel good when it comes to gifting your grandchildren. If you have trouble, as do I, saying no, then don't! Try to check in with the parents before you purchase/do something that might cause problems. Enjoy the children's delight, but do not expect gratitude for every little thing. The true pleasure is yours in being able to do what you want. I plan for my last check to bounce......how about you?

Happy New Year: My Wish

A new year and a new decade are upon us. Ruminating about the past and projecting into the future are interesting, worrisome and exciting excercises. Surely we have been blessed. At the start of this last decade we had only the one grandchild, Noah. By the end Ari, Molly, Emma, Megan, Owen, Ryan, Ian and Jack joined us. Such joy! By the end of this next decade, Ari, Noah and Molly will be in college or the working world; Emma, Megan, Owen, Ryan and Ian will be in high school; Jack will be in middle school, and we will be in our mid-70's! Egad. So what do I want for them? for us? for our adult children? for the larger world? I think I can sum up what I wish for all of us: Hope. I hope that the world will be a prosperous, healthy, tolerant place where our grandchildren can thrive. I hope that they can pursue their dreams, that they do not have to worry about health care costs and coverages, and that we as a country are at peace, not war. I hope that we are well enough to not be a burden on our children, and maybe even still be able to enjoy physical activity and travel. Though I know each will experience his/her own hardships and heartaches, I hope none of them permanently derail their lives. I hope we all have hope, as individuals, families, and a nation.

Tip #53: Be wary of being negative around your grandchildren. If all they hear is gloom and doom, how can they be optimistic about their futures? Yes, this last decade has been troublesome, and many of us experienced terrible financial woes as well as worry over things like swine flu, global warfare, and the ecology. But our grandchildren need to believe that there will be a viable world in which they can establish their independent lives, and we need to not crush that belief with constant negative carping about how terrible things are. I am not suggesting that we put our heads in the sand and not deal with the realities of our struggles, but we need to not put such a negative spin on everything that they despair. Help them see how they can make a difference!

The Extended Family

The Extended Family

The holidays bring us all together to share meals, gifts, conversation, and the pure joy of being together. I love that the cousins get to have these traditions, and I hope they will continue for years to come. I wonder what happened to my own cousins with whom I spent so many happy times.

Early this morning when we were alone and preparing for the day, we talked about how one day we will no longer be able to host the family as we do now. My husband loves to have them come to us as he is most comfortable in his own home. He does most of the cooking, and he likes to use his own oven and utensils. I think he feels more in control here, and he always has something to do rather than having to spend the entire time in conversation, though with the immediate family that is not a problem. He loves having the kids around and shows them how to do things. Today my younger brother was able to join us, and he fit in so naturally it just felt right. The children simply accept that he is a part of all of this, though I doubt many of them know who he really is.

I try to explain to them the different relationships: cousins, aunts, uncles, friends who are close enough to be relatives, but it is overwhelming for them. The older ones knew one great grandmother, but they don't know whose mother she was....Grampa has four brothers, and they really only see two of them on even a sporadic basis. I show them pictures of Christmases past, and talk to them about these others, so maybe someday it will make sense to them.

One thing that made us all quite happy today was seeing Arianna, the daughter of our son's ex-wife. Though she has no legal ties with our son, she was a part of our family for nearly ten years, and it has been very strange to have her just gone from our lives. She is now living with her mother and estranged from our son, whom she called "dad" since she was 18 months old, and the cousins had no idea that she was anything other than a regular cousin, just like them. They seemed so happy to see her, and she them. I thought it strange that none asked any questions, like where have you been or how are you? Our son seemed genuinely delighted to see her, and it lifted everyone's spirits, even though it was a very brief visit....her mother was waiting in the car and probably very uncomfortable with the situation.

Though holidays bring much enjoyment, they can also be "sticky" and require patience and understanding. Having family to encircle the children as they grow helps them to feel loved and secure.

Tip #52: Try to bring the extended family into the lives of the grandchildren as often as possible. Explain relationships and encourage questions. It is work to gather family under one roof, but it will help the children to know they are connected to others and loved.

Thorny Issue #2:Divorce

The Pain of Divorce

Recently our son and his wife divorced after a period of on again and off again trying to work things out. It really doesn't matter whose "fault" any of it is, because in every relationship there are two people involved, and only they know the details. It is also counterproductive for the children to have family members placing blame and casting aspersions on either parent. That said, divorce is never easy, and it is particulary hard on the children, no matter how good the intentions are of everyone involved.

As a parent/grandparent I found it very difficult to be relegated to observer, and to keep my mouth shut. I knew I needed to, but I cannot convey how painful and difficult this has been. Yet I know that our struggle is nothing when compared to that of the family involved. What is particularly hard is that it is both your child and your grandchildren suffering, and you are powerless to alleviate it for them. All you can do is be there as support: listening (without commenting), helping with child care, conveying unconditional love when tempers grow raw and situations seem dismal.

Then there is the question of what do you tell the other family members, particularly the children, and when do you tell them? How much can they understand? How can one person be a regular part of their lives one day, and gone the next? What if the person leaving the family is a godparent to one of the children? What if there has been a close relationship, and now it is gone?

How do you handle conversations about the missing parent at family gatherings? Our son wanted his wedding picture removed from the living room wall, so we took it down. No one has said anything, but they must be feeling something. Also we removed the small book of their wedding photos which rested with the others on the coffee table. Certainly the children have noticed, but I have not addressed it.

We are careful to never be negative about their mother as she will always be their mother and always be the mother of our grandchildren. Handing off the children from time to time causes us to come in contact, but I don't think it is very comfortable for any of us. Overall, it is just very sad and very difficult for the children who don't understand why their parents no longer love each other. Could they one day no longer love them? They are angry and hurt and confused, and this has been one of the most difficult things with which we have had to deal so far.

The pictures show the celebration of our son's birthday this month. Since the girls are too young to get their own presents, I decided to help them. I did not know if/what their mother might do about the birthday, and was pleased that she helped Megan have a surprise waiting for her daddy when he got home from work that day. I am sure we will figure this all out as time passes, and the pain will abate somewhat, but I am worried about the girls' emotional well-being, and I am also concerned about our son. I hope some day he will build a relationship that will nurture him and bring him happiness, but, in the mean time, the focus is the children.

Tip #51: Divorce is difficult and painful, but paying attention to the children and focusing on them is of great importance. Be careful not to allow feeling sorry for them to cause you to overindulge and create yet another problem. Love and kindness and understanding are tantamount....that, and referring back to tip #1, keeping your mouth shut. Try to find someone you trust who has been through it, and listen well to advice. Acknowledge that this is very difficult for everyone.