Clueless in Grandparent Land

Clueless in Grandparent Land

There have been quite a few times in the past when we realized we were woefully behind in the whole pop culture world, but, aside from having to watch a few of the kids’ videos (Beauty and the Beast comes immediately to mind as we had no idea who Gaston was, and Grandpa received orders to portray him in our game one day), ask some questions about what the heck Yu-gi-o was, learn a bit about American Girl dolls and their “stuff”, watch them log on to register their Webkinz, and then send messages to each other, get into the jargon of the video games (never knew what an x box was, and not quite sure we get it even now) and, now that I am enumerating, a host of other things. TV land continues to be another planet, though we definitely know Hanna Montana, the Jonas Brothers, The Suite Life of Zack and Cotie, Wipeout, and AFHV.

So the problem is not so much with what we do know, but what we don’t. Two days ago I was sitting on the “mini dock” out in the lake with several of the grandchildren. I was right proud of myself for donning a bathing suit, diving into the coolish, murky water, and successfully swimming with this entourage to the diving dock. Whilst we were peacefully sitting there, enjoying the warm sunshine and gentle breeze, something happened. All of a sudden, children were taking umbrage with each other, there was moaning and gnashing of teeth, sides were drawn…and I had absolutely no idea what had occurred! I hadn’t heard a thing. Granted my hearing is not quite as sharp as it used to be (I told my students that I could hear a rat pee on snow, so they’d best be careful about what they whispered in the far reaches of my classroom!), but I honestly was totally clueless not only about what had ignited the fury but also about what needed to happen to resolve it.

What saved me was that our daughter, parent of five of them, was on the shore and had observed the proceedings. She called out for Ryan, almost 5, to apologize to Megan, almost 6. He heartily protested his innocence, but his mother had his number. Apparently there is a vicious villain, a female antagonist, in a show on the Disney channel (but one that doesn’t air before 8 p.m., for a now-obvious reason!), who, if she doesn’t deem you “sufficiently cool” enough, dismisses you with some three-fingered sign language, the gist of which is “you are a major loser”. Ryan evidently had signaled this to Megan, who knew exactly what he was saying, and was very upset by his “dissing” her. I don’t think we know even now why Ryan was sending this message to the very cousin he was so excited to see when he’d arrived about an hour beforehand, but he definitely was sending this message loudly and clearly. And it was a major offense, at least in the eyes of all of the others. But this is only one small example of how we can be totally out of it when trying to negotiate through their world!

I try to get the parents to give us some idea of what is ok and what is not as far as TV shows, computer games and movies go. With Emma it is fairly easy because her mouth smiles crookedly when she is “fibbing”, and when you call her on it, she will eventually succumb to an attack of giggleitis. Most of the others, however, possess considerable expertise in this arena. That is not to say that Emma doesn’t try to get away with things; she has manipulation skills that would rival any successful U N diplomat…she just uses a different modus operandi. I have learned to ask if the parent would allow ______________________, and then to watch their eyes. Usually they cannot sustain eye contact if they know that it wouldn’t be allowed. Also, they each have an individualized way of approaching us when asking for something that is normally verboten, and after a while even the densest among us can begin to recognize the signals. It is a world, however, fraught with land mines, and because it is constantly changing, you really do not have much chance of keeping pace.

This holds true for food as well. Mostly our children let us handle the whole food thing however we choose, suspecting that we will err on the side of healthy. Still, the kids push our buttons, asking for ice cream for breakfast (rarely allowed, but sometimes…), or dessert after both lunch and dinner, or extra helpings of starch under which to bury the dreaded vegetables…and we get snookered more often than not.

If I ask, “What would mom or dad say?” I can usually tell by the hesitation or averting of eyes if I have hit upon a trouble spot. But there are so many of them that we cannot possibly keep pace.
“What do you usually do at bedtime?” “ Have some candy and go to bed….. around 9….. with a drink of soda to help me sleep….” I think not.
“Do mom and dad let you watch this show?” “Sometimes.” (translation: never!).
“Did you have dessert at lunch today?” “I had a sandwich and some grapes”.
“Ok, but did you have dessert?”
“I ate all of my sandwich”.
“And then what did you have?”
“Some grapes.”
“And then what?”
“Oh, maybe I had a cookie….or two….”

Egad.

“What rating movies do mom and dad usually let you see?”
“Oh, they let us see P-G if it is only bad language.”
“How do they know how bad the language is?”
“Well, sometimes they just figure it will be ok.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and sometimes they go see it first and then they say it is ok for us.” (I do not believe this has ever happened, or, if it did, it was on a galaxy far, far away…).

Tip #30: Do the best you can to acquaint yourselves with some of the major pop culture icons, games, programs, heroes, music, and fads of children of different ages, particularly those of the same age as your grandchild/children. You do not have to submerge yourself in it, but try to keep abreast of some of it. Talk to your own children frequently, and try to figure out what is allowed and what is not. For ex., in one of our children’s families, the word “stupid” is not allowed. It has been used in such a pejorative way that the only thing the parents could do was ban it completely. Body part terminology (aka the “potty mouth syndrome”) also needs clarification. How many times can the child say “bum, or butt, or buttocks” before being called on it? This week they had a new one: derriere! The massive giggle attack that followed its use every time was a dead giveaway. They also love “poop”, “boobs”, “sexy”, “penis”, etc. How you respond will determine how often they will continue to try to insinuate these words into their conversation. Just as our own children did, they are trying to learn how to push our buttons. Mostly they succeed! Good luck. You are going to need it!

Gathering the Extended Family

Gathering the Extended Family

If you can manage to have one member of the family install a pool, you have a natural gathering place. They start out in a little wading pool and gradually progress to the larger pool, initially accompanied by an adult, and then with floaties and vests and tubes, and, eventually, solo! Nothing entertains quite like water can, and it is delightful to watch them splishin’ and a splashin’!

We have a wonderful time when we all gather at our daughter’s above ground pool, as you can see by the pictures. The younger ones aspire to be doing the things the older ones can. There are any number of water games to play, and, as grandparents, we felt it our responsibility to teach them several of them. “Lady (or Gentleman) Overboard” is a made-up game from going up to the uncles’ camp on a lake in Maine. The player sits on the ladder or platform (depending on his/her level of dare deviltry) and the mc poses a question that the child is apt to know the answer to, such as “What is the capital of the U.S?” and “Where do rivers begin?”, choosing the level of difficult appropriate to the age and education of the child. If answered correctly, ask another. If answered incorrectly, the child must jump into the water. Now, as simple as this may appear, they will play this for hours, as long as there is not a long waiting time while you think up the questions! And you must be sure that they are not too easy or too hard; kids have a natural instinct and sense when you are fooling with them. I cannot explain the durability of this game, but I am happy to play it with them, though I often run out of questions before they lose interest. You can choose from many categories, much like Jeopardy, but remember that you have to know the answers!

Because we go to one sibling’s house, we try to chip in for things like paper goods, condiments, drinks, etc. No one should bear the cost alone. These things placed in a basket or big tub that can be filled with ice and used to keep drinks cold outside make great Christmas and birthday gifts, depending on when the birthdays are in the year. We call and tell what each will bring, from hot dogs, chicken, steak and burgers to pasta salad, tossed salad, fruit salad, pickles, chips, rolls, and, of course, dessert. If everyone does his/her part, we end up with a tasty meal whose cost has been shared equally. We try to keep a constant supply of graham crackers, Hershey squares and marshmallows to make s’mores. During corn season we can do away with a lot of the extras and relish the delicious summer treat. I bough little corn holders that go into the end of the cob on both sides and the children can then hold the ears without the heat causing them to drop them onto the ground, deck or water!

When the children come out of the water, they also need things to do, and this is a good place to let them use their creativity. Ryan used the croquet mallets to make goggles, and then tried roller-skating on the deck. They love to swing in the hammock, play catch or volleyball or swing. Running around in the back yard uses up tons of energy and causes them to fade early and stay asleep longer.

Be sure to have tons of sun block and bug spray available. Even if the container claims that it is a waterproof sunscreen, liberally reapply it often. Be wary of ticks and mosquitoes. If possible, have the children wear hats. And don’t forget to cover yourself as well.

Little tables help the smaller ones sit down and eat their meal. So often today life is lived on the run, and families do not have as many opportunities to break bread together. Children need this experience on a regular basis. They need to practice the art of “dining”, even if it is with finger foods and in bathing suits. Talking with others at the table, asking for things to be passed, excusing oneself to leave the table, cleaning up after you are done, and waiting until everyone has finished the main meal before getting dessert are all a part of dining etiquette which children will not learn if they do not get to actually practice these table arts. It is also an ideal time to teach about recycling and composting.
And most of all, join in with them and just relax, chat them up, and have a jolly good time. You will remember these halcyon days for years and years, especially if you take pictures in the same settings over several years. How they love to see themselves progress!

Tip #29: Try to find a place to gather for summer outings where the extended family can be together. Playing with cousins and having aunts and uncles around to share in the eating, game playing and even discipline create lasting bonds and fond memories. Children feel a part of something larger when the group expands to include other relatives. Teach them polite manners and respect while they are having a good time playing and eating. Shared responsibility only reinforces that “it takes a whole village to raise a child”, only in this case the village is the extended family, led by you, the wise and wonderful grandparents!

Teaching How to Help Others

Teaching How to Help Others

As adults, it is our responsibility to teach/model that we all need to help each other, and that we are all capable of doing so. The size and nature of the contributions do not matter nearly as much as the effort and intent. Children can help each other, but it is up to the adults to provide the means and motivation for them to do so.

Our daughter, Maribeth, and her co-worker, Kathi, along with the assistance of their husbands, Sean and Mike, recently co-facilitated the first in town PMC (Pan Mass Challenge) Kids Ride. It was an enormous undertaking and the two very green co-chairs did an amazing job of orchestrating, conducting and following through with this event. As a family, we helped in small ways, recruiting volunteers and riders, spreading the word, and being as supportive as we could from the sidelines.

Ari was away at camp, but the other 8 grandkids participated in the ride. Our son manned the medical tent, and our other daughter and her husband provided raffle items, hands-on assistance, and a lot of know-how. A dear family friend, a professional photographer, took the pictures. Many past and present staff members and former students from my school spent their free Sunday morning filling in registrations, decorating bikes, face painting, and most of all, cheering on the riders. We felt so blessed to have so many friends and extended family members enthusiastically join in the undertaking, and help to make it such a tremendous success.

The riders understood that the money being raised was going to be used to help fund research for kids with cancer. They rode with vigor and youthful joy, spurred on by the d.j. calling out their names over the pa system, and the adult volunteers yelling wildly on the sidelines. They had an official water station, but most barely slowed down long enough for a drink. They had a mission, and were determined to ride for the full hour to help children in need. It was not a race, so there was no competitive edge…..simply kids helping kids.

Afterwards, while munching on all the pizza they could possibly eat, it was unanimous: they would all return next year, and bring friends. They’d had such a good time, and the giant posters of the Cancer Institute’s pedal partners helped them put faces to the children they were helping. The sheer joy of the morning cannot be captured in words. The adult volunteers expressed gratitude for being included. And yes, there were moments……when our granddaughter, Emma, battling a stubborn brain tumor for the last five years, took the microphone and said, “ I am glad to all who are here to support me. Thank you!”, and then took a bow, there was hardly a dry eye on the street. Even the NH State Police bag pipers looked a bit misty. Some of the children riding had issues of their own, which they were able to surmount in order to take part in the ride. It was so incredibly heartwarming/breaking, and the end result is that these children all now how good it feels to be able to help others.

We are so very proud of our family for joining forces and finding so many different ways to try to help. Teaching their children to think of others, and to be willing to work towards helping them, show us all how to be better people. I think everyone left last Sunday feeling optimistic and inspired. I know I did. Thank you to all who joined us. Maybe someday soon a cure will be discovered……and other families will not have to live with the nightmare that is pediatric cancer.

Tip #28: You have to teach the children that they have the responsibility and capability of helping others, especially other children. You have to believe it, model it, and genuinely share in the joy that comes from giving. If you want the world to be a better place, you have to be part of the solution.....and our grandchildren will be the architects of our future!

Family Vacations

Family Vacations

There are many things to consider when contemplating an extended family vacation. Such things as cost, duration, travel time, privacy, safety and compatibility with what you want out of the time are all important factors. The oft-repeated joke about the best thing about being grandparents is when they go home at night will not hold true if you are all staying together. How important is it to you that you have some time “away from the madding crowd” either during the day or, at least, at night? If you have to be on duty 24/7, will you enjoy yourself? Who else will be there?

We have been most fortunate in that two of my husband’s brothers co-own a “camp” in Maine, and have generously invited us to make use of it whenever it is available (that is, they are not having their own extended families there). Four years ago we started a tradition where Grammy and Grampa take Noah and Molly, then 4 and 6, to the camp for 3 days without the rest of their family. On the third day their Mom, Dad, and other siblings (now 3 of them!) come up for the night, and then we head home the next morning, leaving them to have the day to themselves. So far this seems to work. Often other family members are there with us: uncles, cousins, etc., so the kids have others to play with both in and out of the water.

Safety continues to be a chief concern. I sometimes have nightmares that something happens to one of the children while we are watching him/her…..could be at home, at the playground, or at the lake. I do not know how I would ever tell my own child that I’d somehow let one of his/her children get hurt. Even minor bumps and bruises kill me! So, short of never going anywhere or doing anything, we take reasonable precautions. I also do not want to make the kids paranoid, or convey my fears to them, thus making the skittish. We always wear life preservers in boats, on skidoos, and even on the dock until they become proficient swimmers. No children go in the water unless an adult is down at the water, or in the immediate vicinity. Roughhousing dangerously will get you time out of the water. The children seem to be able to live with these rules, and so we have been able to thoroughly enjoy our time there. This year Noah and Molly will be 10 and 8, and we may not have so many others there at the same time. Now that they are older and like to play board and card games, and love to read, I don’t think we’ll have any problem keeping occupied.

One activity which we will be cutting back on this year is riding around in the various boats and skidoo. With the astronomical price of gas, we will need to choose carefully. At least the paddleboat will be an option!

Many traditions are already established. We always make s’mores, have a night with sparklers, play endless games of Parcheesi, Sorry, and Rummikub, try our hand at badminton, and get all the wind-up toys U. Bob has collected going at once. When we first arrive they are chomping at the bit and want to do everything lickety split. Now that we know what to expect, it is easier for us to handle. We make sure they bring familiar nighttime pals, as it is often a bit scary to sleep in the loft on the first night. Because our bedroom is right underneath the loft, they know they can get to us easily. We leave a night light on, and I sometimes sit with them until they are drifting off, at least the first night. Although we know how much fun it is to be away from home, it is important to not be dismissive of their fears, which are very real to them. If you know their nighttime ritual, it will be comforting to them to have you follow it. And expect them to be up bright and early the next day!

Tip #27: Family vacations establish bonds, create memories, and provide a very special time for you and your grandchildren. Choose carefully what you do with them, and think about your role long before you propose anything. There are many travel companies which offer grandparent/grandchildren trips (Elderhostel is one), so if you don’t have a family place you can go to, you might want to plan a trip. Take them to a nearby city and spend the day being a tourist, or pack a picnic and go to a nearby park or zoon. Day outings can be a blast! My one caveat is that you picture yourself in whatever setting you are proposing and run a video tape through your head, trying to view yourself there. Happy trails to you!

Things Money Just Can't Buy...or Shouldn't

Things Money Just Can’t Buy…..or Shouldn’t

The temptation to spoil, to indulge, to gift…whatever you want to call it, is often overwhelming. Because we see most of our grandchildren regularly, we know a lot about the things in which they take great delight. We know which books/authors they like, the music they enjoy, the toys that interest them, even, for some, the type of clothing that appeals to them If I am in a store and just happen to drift to the toy section or the children’s clothing area, it is almost impossible for me to pull myself away without buying. Of course, the next problem is that there are now 9 of them, so even the smallest of trinkets gets expensive when multiplied by 9. Plus we are now on a somewhat fixed income (both of us have small part time jobs which will help us save for traveling but not much else), and so we need to be more mindful of how we spend than we have had to be for the last few years when we were both working and our own children were on their own. One other small factor is that they all have more “stuff” than anyone could use in a lifetime! So what is a grandparent to do????

I cannot stress often or strongly enough that the greatest gift we give is that of TIME. Not only the time we spend with them, listening to their stories (though I absolutely refuse to listen to recaps of TV shows or video game plots), reading with them, teaching them how to play board games, etc., but also attending their events, such as sporting games, recitals, open house, etc. They call us on the phone to share exciting news about report cards, or ask questions about projects, or make a play date. Soon we will take our fourth annual trek to “camp” with two of them, a tradition started when their twin brothers were not yet one and it seemed a perfect way to give Mom a break for a few days. Now the twins will be 5 in Aug., and Jack is one, so they will join us at the lake for at least one night. Still, we have this small pocket in time that is just for the four of us, filled with traditions, always eager to see what this year’s visit will bring. We are most fortunate in that Grampa’s two brothers, who own the camp, most generously have an open door policy and will not accept payment. Grampa helps earn our time there by opening and closing the camp and doing repairs and refurbishments while there. This year we will have to curtail the amount of time spent using the water toys: skidoo, powerboat and houseboat because of the astronomical price of gas. Our daughter and son-in-law will help by explaining this to the kids before we go, helping them to understand that these things cost money and so we must make choices. Our attitude in the past has been cavalier, and we pretty much went out in the lake whenever the spirit moved us. Time to rein it in!

For Noah’s 10th birthday I had him explore the Star Wars things he loves online and make me a list, with a $50 maximum, which he did, giving me a wide range. Then I thought about how he might enjoy picking it out himself, and that doing so would eliminate the possibility of my getting the wrong thing. So we gave him a gift card to the store that carries them. Now I am thinking that in the future I will give the birthday girl or boy the actual money, and tell him/her to use it to either buy whatever it is that is wanted, or save it for a trip or clothes or whatever, but the choice will be up to him or her. Perhaps this will foster more careful attention to the value of the money, and maybe I will offer to take them shopping, if they decide that’s what they want to do. I fear that too often today we do not take the time to teach them how to get the most out of a dollar. Instant gratification seems to be rampant. I do not want to sound like one of those old cronies croaking, “This younger generation doesn’t know what it is like to scrimp and save…” Ok, so if they don’t, how come? Who didn’t do their job? How come so many young people today do not know how to establish a budget, delay buying something until it looks like you might possibly be able to pay for it, or even do without if it is not affordable? I think this is something we as grandparents can help with as long as we do not appear to be critical and negative.

A new friend of mine recently explained that when her own children were old enough to understand, she created a notebook in which each child had his/her own page. Each child received $1,000/year for a clothing allowance. (It could be whatever you could afford). This did not include underwear, socks, or two pair of shoes….one of which were sneakers. Each time a purchase was made, it was recorded and deducted. When the balance reached zero, the buying was over for that year. She said it took tears, frustration, and even the gnashing of teeth, but eventually each began to both shop and choose more wisely, even leaving a cushion for the unanticipated. It is just one small way to help children learn from early on how to get what they want without sinking into debt. We as grandparents can help too.

Another thing I was doing and need to reinstitute, is purchasing savings bonds as gifts. You need the child’s social security number to do so, and you can pick up the forms at a local bank. They make a great gift because they double in seven years, and they provide a nest egg for the future. When I was giving them, I also tried to get something relatively inexpensive to be opened for the occasion, but as they grow older I hope they will appreciate the bond for itself. I remember when we were setting up our first home, my husband had several of these accumulated over many years from two maiden aunts, and they truly furnished our first living and dining rooms.

The gift of a piggy bank, especially a see-through one, is a motivating first or second birthday choice. Children can be encouraged to do jobs both at home and at grandparents’ for which a set fee is negotiated ahead of time. I do not mean things like helping to set the table or pick up branches in the yard, as these are things which are expected, and certainly they do not merit pay. Perhaps they could help weed, or wash windows or vehicles (too much fun!), or give foot massages…Add comments here to suggest other things as well. It is our responsibility as parents and grandparents to instruct our children and grandchildren in money matters.

Now we scan the newspaper for things to do that have no or minimal cost. Tomorrow we may visit the sand sculptures at the beach, and maybe get an ice cream, or fried dough, or whatever one thing each may choose. Local theater groups have discounted performances for dress rehearsals. The playgrounds and beaches cost nothing. Unfortunately, going to the movies or the zoo has become quite expensive, so we no longer do much of that. A local gym recently gave out passes for free bowling, and we often find coupons online for things like miniature golf.

Some things are worth every penny we spend on them, such as this muffin about to make its way into Owen’s mouth. I am not perfect, and do slip occasionally, and just have to buy something….but I try to save it for a special occasion, or create an excuse for why I bought it. Rationalization is one of my stronger talents!

Tip #26: Try to behave responsibly when it comes to giving “things” to your grandchildren. We adults need to model for them how to live within our means and not indulge every whim simply because we want something. We need to encourage fiscal responsibility, and motivate them to save for a rainy day. But mostly we need to choose wisely ourselves, so that our gifts, whatever they may be, are lasting.