Halloween and the Issue of Choice

Halloween and the Issue of Choice

In case you haven’t noticed, Halloween has become an industry unto itself. It is second now only to Christmas in its marketing and frenzy. Whole stores are now dedicated to costumes and decorations. Maybe it’s the drought for advertisers and sales people that occurs between the Fourth of July/summer attack and Oct.31st? After all, what can they sell us about Labor Day?

Anyhow, for kids, Trick or Treating and the whole Halloween shtick are huge. They start thinking about their costumes as soon as signs of the ghostly night begin appearing in the stores. And this is where the issue of choice, a topic upon which I have written in the past and will do so again, probably, rears its ugly head. What does the child want to be this year? These store-bought costumes are elaborate, very expensive (especially if you have more than one child to garb) and often inappropriate (violent, sluttishly sexy, etc.). I have witnessed some of the most unbelievable scenes in Marshall’s, Sears, TJ Maxx and their ilk between parent and child over costume choice. Screaming and yelling, stomping of feet and toss of head, and almost always the parent capitulates. So, why am I writing about this in a blog dedicated to grandparents?

Sometimes grandparents get sucked into going to the store with Mom for this evil foray. Most often I watch them trying to back pedal, simply remove themselves from the immediate vicinity of the scene. Those who have been foolish enough to try to placate the child become the object of the child’s redirected anger. Highly embarrassed, they then abet the child because they just want to get out of the store before they die from embarrassment. I have even observed one or two foolish enough to attempt this purchase on their own. Most of the current generation of grandparents actually know and use the word “NO”, which does not bode well for a happy conclusion to this shopping trip.

There are many more ways for grandparents to get in trouble with this whole costume thing, such as offering unsolicited opinions, showing disapproval at the selection or the cost, or proposing alternatives that are totally out of sync with current pop culture. Are you guessing what my advice is going to be re: the whole costume thing? Stay out of it! Remember hint #1, Keep your mouth shut? If you feel you must have a discussion about it, try to do it well in advance of the decision-making. Maybe today’s parents need to hone negotiating skills, because it seems that somehow they have gotten the message that children will only become strong and independent if they are allowed to make choices. I totally agree with that, within reason. What I am talking about here is when children control the situation, make unrealistic or inappropriate demands, and parents give in. Let me say here also that I am in awe of our children’s ability to get around stubborn resistance to parental guidance. Our children do not find it necessary to narrow things down to black or white. Somehow they have found ways to get their children to make the decisions they want them to make (at least as far as this whole costuming thing goes) and yet the kids feel that they are the ones who made the choice. This is no mean feat, and I am very proud of them for somehow learning these tactics with positively no modeling from us!

Since I absolutely love our Halloween traditions, I don’t want to give the impression that I wish the day didn’t exist. For the last ten years (and in our family if you do something twice it becomes “tradition”) the families come for dinner (Chinese food for Arianna’s birthday, which is actually on the 31st) around 5:30, get changed into their costumes after dinner, and then go out in our very safe neighborhood together. Sometimes the smaller ones ride in the red wagon; the group actually looks like a swarm that moves like an amoeba! Parents carry lanterns, flashlights and kids. Kids wear glo sticks and carry pumpkins or special Trick or Treat bags (which I buy at local stores on Nov. 1 at half price, along with paper goods for the meal). Our children grew up here (we have lived in this house for over 40 years), and many of the neighbors knew them as children. I stay home and give out goodies; when the kids were much younger, often one or two would be dropped off by a parent because he/she grew weary of the whole deal and needed to just be warm and snuggled. I love it when the children of the playmates of our children appear on the porch, and their parents call from the lawn so I know who they are, that whole cyclical thing. I love how excited the children are, and how very cute they look in their costumes, and how much they love being with each other. For me, this is what family is all about. Yes, there are different personalities and different tensions surface each year, but the tradition prevails, and for that I am most grateful.

Hint #36: The whole “choice “ philosophy among the current generation of parents needs to be revisited. Try to have a discussion about it before it is actually in play, so it is less emotionally fraught. Brainstorm with your children about how children can be give choices (one or two per issue, not the whole gamut!) that are both acceptable and appropriate, but they need guidance, and an adult to be firm when they are making poor selections. For ex. with costumes, one per year will suffice. Some have different ones for school, rec party and Trick or Treating. Are you kidding? Narrow it down to two, and pick one. How about homemade? Our oldest daughter (genetically impaired when it comes to craftiness, at least from me!) managed to cleverly make all five for her children: cowardly lion, tin man, scarecrow, Dorothy and Toto….and they were a marvel to behold!